Who's More Dissapointed the Last 3 Weeks?

Life is a series of dissapointments. Unfortunately two things that have brought me great joy; the New York Giants and Entourage have been utterly dissapointing the last few weeks. Now some people like myself, Frisc, Mike, Hick Matt all love both things so these last 3 weeks have been awful for us. But not everyone is like the four of us. So who has had a more dissapointing last 3 weeks, fans of Entourage or fans of the Giants? Luckily I am here to break this down.







1. Biggest Loss:




Giants: Kevin Boss who rightfully took about 3 times what he was worth to sign with the God awful Okland Raiders.



Entourage: Turtle's "girlfriend"

More Dissapointing: I enjoyed the fake Shockey era but was he even one of the 15 best Tight Ends in football? Entourage is more dissapointing.

2. Best attempt to "Spin" the last 3 weeks:

Giants: We like to fly under the radar and we've always built through the draft not through free agency.

Entourage: They are setting things up for later in the year.

More Dissapointing: Entourage, 7 seasons and they've never "set up" a story line all of a sudden with a few episodes left they are getting cute?

3. Most Depressing Moment of the last 3 weeks:

Giants: The fact that Steve Smith not only left but signed with the team I hate the most.

Entourage: You could go with the coke addict killing himself, Turtle getting dumped, the Sloan/E breakup, but I have to go with everything Vince has done so far. They've set him up as a drug addict so he can't get drunk or smoke pot and none of the other guys can either so basically it's just a show about dudes dealing with grown up issues. Fuck this Degrassi bullshit.

More Depressing: Entourage. I loved Steve Smith but he is coming off microfracture. Nostalgia has no place in football.

4. Underlying part that makes each fan base more depressed:

Giants: Giant fans have had to sit back and watch our biggest rivals sign every single big time free agent to add to their already impressive group that ruined our lives last year. It's one thing when your team seemingly isn't doing anything to improve but another to see your most hated rival jump to the next level.

Entourage: Umm, lets go with the fact that this is the last season of the show so if it sucks, we never get any more episodes.

More Depressing: Entourage. The Giants still games to be played. Entourage is running out of time.

5. Most Dissapointing Acquisition:

Entourage: Andrew Dice Clay. Can they please just end this awful Drama cartoon storyline?

Giants: Prince Akimura who broke his foot. Its always great when your first round pick will probably help the team in absolutely no way at all his first year.

More Dissapointing: Prince and the Giants, its hard to say your dissapointed by the performance of a comedian who was last relevent when I was going to after school center.

6. Most Underrated Loss:

Giants: Rich Seubert and Shaun O'Hara, 2 mainstays of the offensive line that went from much maligned to severely underated to dominant to slightly overrated to dissapointing over the last 5 years.

Entourage: The 10 pounds Ari's wife lost. Ladies, let this be a lesson, skinner is not always better.

More Dissapointing: Giants, Ari's wife annoys me at least now I am not attracted to her

7. Biggest Sign of Hope:

Giants: They still have Eli, Hakeem Nicks, Tuck, Kenny Phillips and Bradshaw. There's talent on the roster, and they have a coach who has won the Super Bowl and has proven he can harnass that talent.

Entourage: Its not hard to write a successfull Entourage episode. Hot chicks, dudes drinking, smoking pot and doing fun shit, Ari being a douche, 2 or 3 cool songs, and the guys looking out over a beautiful scenery at the end of an episode where everything works out. They still make cool songs, hot girls still exist and these 4 characters are still there. All the elements of a great episode are in place, somebody just needs to put them together.

More Depressing Overall: I have to say I have more hope with the Giants. Both things have been utterly awful for the last few weeks but for the Giants, the season has not even started. We don't know how this particular team will fare. Entourage has wasted 3 of their last 8 episodes so far. I don't see how they turn this around without either

A) rushing everything into the 2 last episodes
B) saving things for the movie, leaving the series itself as incomplete and pissing off everyone who loved the show.

So there you have it, Entourage has been more depressing over the last 3 weeks than the NY Giants. Congrats Giants, you are only the second most dissapointing part of my life.

LBI

"That's what a great bar does. It stays the same so we can measure our own change. That's why we mourn them when they disappear."- Wright Thompson

"To all my grandchildren, this house is for you to use and enjoy but it is not for wild parties and out of control drinking"- Mike's grandfather in an email he sent that is posted on the house fridge.

I have been going to Mike's grandfather's house on Long Beach Island in New Jersey for 2-5 days for about 5 years now. It is not a bar itself although at various times it has been home to more beer cans than many bars. In fact if Mike's grandfather ever witnessed what goes on during the 5 days he allows Mike to use the house he would probably ban him from ever using it again. This would be a tragedy of epic proportions.

LBI is one of two annual rites of summer for my group of friends, the other being going upstate to either my parent's or my aunts house. Amazingly enough upstate is the more subdued of the two trips. LBI is the show as in shitshow. After all these years we have it down to a science.

If you come bring beer, think of how many you plan on drinking and bring more than that.

Remind people to bring ice, warm beer sucks.

We eat Ming Dynasty, Wendys, WaWa and the bagel store. Some people have Taco Bell. These people clearly have stronger stomachs than I.

You shit at Ming. Its accepted. If you somehow make it out of Ming without shitting it means you probably shit your pants during the 8 minute drive home.

LBI is communist Cuba and Mike is Fidel Castro. Everyone is equal except Mike. For instance...

Beds are first come first serve. "Calling beds" is not allowed. If you go to bed first you get your pick of which bed you want. Theres 3 beds, 2 mattresses and some floor space. Getting a bed is a luxury. Only Mike's bed is guaranteed and if he is feeling nice or wants to pipe you he may let you share it with him.

Going to bed first is not all puppies and icecream. If you go to bed first you leave yourself open to getting fucked with. This includes having a vacumm put in your room to wake you up. Or having Mike's ass ending up on your face. Or someone trying to tape you to a bed.

In fact the last one lead to one of the only things ever broken in LBI; a lamp. The lamp was thrown at the people attempting the taping about 5 years ago. In fact the lamp itself didnt break, just the bulb.

It's a minor miracle not more things break during some of the "questionable" ideas. For instance its amazing not more damage was done during the backyard "soccer game" that ended 1-0 and lead to a ban on backyard soccer.

Or during backyard beer can homerun derby with a wiffleball bat.

Or during the 3 am fireworks show which had been postponed at 1 am because Mike said it was a bad idea. And it was, it lead to the one and only time the neighbors came over to complain about the noise.

The neighbor girl however has come over more than once. She is a classy type of girl. In fact she once remarked "I'm not going to kiss you because I have a boyfriend." The fact that she gave a blowjob to the person instead is inconsequential to the story.

The previous is not even my favorite story involving a hook up with the neighbor girl, someone was once asked "you have a girlfriend? I thought you hooked up with that girl in LBI" Their reply was "it wasn't serious yet because we hadn't gone apple picking yet"

In fact hooking up used to be a big part of LBI. Pollie once fucked a girl so hard he knocked some of the shit off the walls.

Legend has it that Sean banged a girl who most closely resembled Chewbacca. Sean has denied this for years but we have irrefutable evidence in the form of "I seen his little red hick balls"- Matt Lenzo.

Sometimes girls come who don't get hooked up with. In the story of LBI this is called "The PSU girls" year or 2008. Mike had a genius idea to invite Danielle, my sister and their friends from Penn State. This year holds the record for most LBI annomolies.

For instance the girls immediately commandeered an entire room. They placed all their things in it. This cut the available bed and floor space in half. It also somehow led to a unique sleeping arrangement.

I won't disclose the parties involved but I will disclose this quote "I figured she wanted to hook up so I put my thumb up her ass, then she got up and left the bed"

It was Scott's thumb in the above story.

Bed's and assholes were not the only things that weren't shared that weekend. Food in the LBI house has been sporadic at best. It mostly consists of chips, leftovers from WaWa and whatever food Mike's family left at the house in the previous summer weeks. However during the fatefull week in 2008, the PSU girls brought their own food to LBI.

The afformentioned food were things like carrots and chips and other crap worth less than $30. LBI is communism, there is no mine there is everyone's. This wasn't properly explained to the girls and when some one (Me) ate their food mostly out of spite they lost their shit. Some may find this wrong but in LBI nobody is special.

This is a lesson some cunt needed to learn in 2010. Somehow this girl thought that smoking IN the house was ok. This is noteworthy in no way except that it lead to this quote "she thnks she can do whatever she wants cuz she used to suck Gusto's dick" Dick Maida is a funny man.

The above quote happened on the boat. The boat is legendary in LBI. No boat has ever been occupied for more time by more people than Mike's grandfathers boat in LBI. I've only heard of it being driven once but I personally have spent 15+ hours on the boat in my lifetime. The afformentioned trip was not 15 hours long. In fact I was not even on said trip.

Sometimes there are beers on the boat and sometimes there arent. In fact the boat isnt the only occasionally sober activity. In recent years trips to the island have resulted in mini golf, waterpark and overpriced dining; all done while sober.

My favorite addition to sober activities is Sorry. Yes 4 straight sober 20 something year old dudes sit around playing Sorry during the day usually while not drinking. We ain't young like we used to be and Sorry helps keep people from starting drinking too early and thus passing out too early. It also lead to one of my favorite quotes "Sorry? This is a Sorry group right here". Uncle Gerald is an LBI legend and that quote is just a part of it.

The man has been rumored to work on the house for the entire day, all the while consuming a case or more of beer, always Bud Heavies. In fact while it hurts for us to admit it, Uncle Gerald's LBI drinking prowess far surpasses any of our own. Not for lack of trying however.

One on One baseball, bet your liver, up the river down the river, the Chachi Bullo drinking game. These are some of the absolutely awful drinking games that have been played in LBI. In fact LBI is where I got so mad at Mike I slapped the card off the table when he pushed me for the 17th straight time in up the river down the river. Nobody picked up the cards until the next morning.


LBI is not only about drinking heavily although it is prevalent. You see Mike's grandfather's house is a constant. Nothing has changed since I started going there. The beds are exactly the same, the TV still only gets about 15 channels, there is no internet, the boat never moves, the fridge never has anything other than domestic light beer. The AC is always on full blast and the same shit is always on the walls. LBI has been a post collegiate escape for a week for anyone lucky enough to have Mike Williamson call them his friend.

It 's evolution is what interests me the most. You see it goes back to the quote from Wright Thompson at the top of the page. LBI has never changed. Any changes such as moderating day drinking to play sorry or finally deciding we were mature enough to play beer pong in the living room were results of us evolving as people. Some may look at my group of friends and think we haven't grown up since college. I can look at us and say we have and that the best part is; we can still go away to south Jersey for a week and party like old times, although we may start slightly later than we used to.

17 weeks of Contingency Plan

I'm sorry for the lack of blogs recently. I lacked inspiration and time, the 2 foremost staples of my blog writing prowess. Originally this blog was going to be a top 10 list of things to do if there is no football season but that would be too lazy for my first blog in 4 months

I believe strongly in backup plans. Now while I can't imagine the NFL players and owners won't figure out this lockout situation I want to be prepared in case they don't. Here is my contingency plan in case the NFL season is in fact canceled.

Week 1: Stay hungover in my hotel after Mio's wedding which is scheduled for the first week of football season. With no reason to wake up the next day my plan is to nap through the ceremony, wake up crisp and refreshed and use the reception as a pregame. I expect Mike and I to knock on the door of Mio's suite at 5 a.m. yelling at him to "stop piping and come drink beers with us"*

Week 2: Super Mega BBQ. Beer can chicken, pulled pork, bacon explosion, burgers, wings, hunks of meat sauteed in garlic. Play Rusty Apples, get Ralph's ices. Basically all my favorite parts of football Sunday without the football.

Week 3: Watch baseball, enjoy the pennant races and learn all the players on the Mets 40 man roster. Figure out who I am going to root for against the Phillies come playoff baseball time.

Week 4: Watch the Giants SuperBowl DVD...3 times

Week 5: Fantasy Soccer draft. Lionel Messi=Adrian Peterson

Week 6: Make fun of Gusto for trade offers like Jozy Altidore and David Beckham for Ronaldo. Insist that is not in fact "the best he can do"

Week 7: Ask Hecky for help in fantasy soccer league. Mike and I have a 35 minute discussion about whether to make it a "keeper" league. Mike gets mad because Ricky and I make an inter sport Chicharitto for Dan Haren trade.

Week 8: Plummet to last in fantasy soccer league. Declare "this league is horseshittt". Find out Roger Goodell's address.

Week 9: Take a shit on Roger Goodell's front doorstep

Week 10: Do charity work, work out more, read more, take up chess, make myself a more well rounded and better person overall. Adopt a small child.

Week 11: Give up on that shit from last week and take up heroin.

Week 12: More heroin.

Week 13: Kick heroin, do early Christmas shopping. Leave small child at the mall.**

Week 14: Go to Pier 76, find Anthony Pieters wandering around outside like Ron Burgandy 3/4's of the way through Anchorman.

Week 15: Debate the merits of heroin again. Take up cycling instead.

Week 16: Wonder things like "why doesn't Pier open earlier" Spend 55 minutes trying to convince Frisc we still need a Super Bowl party with man chili to watch Puppy Bowl.

Week 17: Prepare for the 2012 fantasy football season.



* In reality I will probably pass out 3 hours before Mike on this night.
** I haven't thought about what the child will do in the 2 weeks between when I adopt it and when I abandon it.

24 hours of Pier 76....

I started writing this months ago when I still worked at Pier 76. Half of it is from that perspective and half is from my perspective now which is vastly different.


"You opened this bar around the same time I became single and it basically ruined my life"- Paul Hyer

"It's not called Pier, its called Blackout 76"- Ryan Viera

"I just want to do hood rat things with my friends"- Joe Gustavino

Thanks to two people (Gusto and Kara) I have been able to spend an inordinate amount of time at Pier 76 over the last year. The place is truly amazing. There's basically three different aspects to it and only a select hand full of people are familiar with all three and of those people I am probably the only one qualified to write a blog about it. Without further ado here is a look at the three phases of Pier 76.


Restaurant 10 AM to 10 PM

During the day Pier 76 is a neighborhood restaurant with a fiercely loyal customer base and a moderate amount of foot traffic. Its location means that alot of the business includes city and state employees as well as the construction guys doing work around the ferry. The same 10-15 people come in almost every day. One girl Jamie works in a law office literally 2 buildings away and orders so often that we don't write her address on the delivery slip anymore we just write "Jaime".

In fact as a delivery "driver" I will often use less than a gallon of gas over the course of a day since 80% of the deliveries are walking distance. In fact I even started telling the phone girl on Mondays not to "give me any fucken deliveries that I can't walk to". Unfortunately she doesn't listen.

The day time staff usually includes one owner (Jeremy or Gusto), Victor who works somewhere between 70 and 80 hours a week (I'm not kidding), a delivery person and then 2 out of the following 3; bartender, waitress, counter girl. The staff is a cast of variable morons and personality deficient retards who barely like one another but actually get along surprisingly well.

I didn't include the mexicans who work in the back because they rarely interact with the rest of us unless its making us food, fucking up the orders, not doing what they are told because they are too busy watching Jean Claude Van Damm movies or laughing when they see me dance to their spanish music. Plus half the white girls who work there are scared of them and other than Vanessa nobody knows their names.

The first hour or so of the day is spent making the pizzas, setting up the tables and bar, making pizza boxes and filling the fridge with drinks. This is as boring as it sounds. However it is really the calm before the storm. From 12 to 2 is the storm.

This is when the phones ring and tables full of people come in to eat and the pizzeria is jammed. During this time I will have between 2 and 5 deliveries. Deliveries are not the main source of business at Pier. I make so little money even the Mexicans in the back look down on me.

From 2-5 is fun time. We usually eat lunch, watch Sportscenter for the 4th time. On Thursdays at 3 is nap time. On Mon and Wed Gusto and I will spend between 30 and 200 minutes talking about sports. This drives some of the female workers nuts but nobody cares what they think.

3 P.M also marks the time when Andrew and Vic stock the bar for that night's activities. Inventory is usually done at this time and results in the following convo; Gusto: "fuck we have nothing, we went through a case of Jamo in a weekend" Bop: we ALWAYS go through a case of Jamo and we never have anything." Gusto: "My next bar is only going to serve Jamo and tap beer"

Here's the thing, they NEVER have anything. They routinely run out of their most popular and unpopular liquors. It's not just liquors, today they didn't have Calamari. For a week now there's been no 20 oz. bottles of Coke or Diet coke so they've been sending delivery drivers on store runs to buy cans. Let that sink in, they routinely don't have the two most popular beverages they sell. This is also about the third time in the last month this has happened. For the first 3 weeks I worked there we didn't have peach Snapple. I am fully convinced Pier 76 is a social experiment to prove that you don't need stock to actually run a successful business.

My favorite part of the Restaurant is the secret menu. It includes things like Lobster Raviolis, zeppolies and the Gusto/Bop wrap. These things are not on any of the menus but are all available to those who know to order them.

At 5 a new crew comes in minus whoever is working a double and there's more deliveries that require more driving and a few tables for dinner. Basicaly 5-10 is boring unless there's a MNF game or a Yankee playoff game The tables go away around 9:45, the crew all go home except for Victor, the owner and the bartenders. It's transformation time.


10 PM- 4 AM. Staten Island bar/local shit show.

Once the tables are gone the main restaurant area is consumed by either a DJ or a band and beer pong tables and patrons drunkenly dancing. The main goal of Pier 76 seems to be to get it's patrons completely inebriated every time they are there.

This includes the "regulars" who all know one of the two owners or the bartender in some way or another. As one of these people I feel fiercly protective of Pier 76 and actually get angry at the "others"; those people who we don't know. Now Gusto and Jeremy love these people because they keep the bar in business and maybe even profitable. I hate these people. In fact...

I would argue that 10 PM to 4 AM is my least favorite time at Pier. You see I hate people. More specifically I hate people I don't know. Unfortunately during prime night business time the bar is full of people I dont know. These people take up space in the bar and occupy the time of the bartenders who I feel should be entirely devoted to getting me and my friends blackout drunk.*

These bartenders include**

Ricky: the worlds tallest and greatest bartender
Tom: Ricky's friend who often times redefines the word "mess"
Matt Lenzo: Matt would be a better bartender if he didn't leave the general bar area so much. It would also help if he could see over the bar.
Mike Williamson: Mike's worst quality as a barkeep is that he trys to get everyone as drunk as he wants to be. It's also his best quality.
Nick: I don't know Nick but he seems like an extremely proffessional barkeep. I'm not exactly sure why he works at Pier.
Rich: I love Rich, he has a beard often hooks me up even though I'm 99% convinced he doesn't know my real name.

The bar serves 30+ different kinds of beer, over 20 different kinds of Vodka and over 50 different types of liquor. In reality lets break down what they serve.

Beer- Tap beer for pong, domestic bottles for the poor people and the hedons and Blue Moon for Pieters and I until it runs out around 11 PM every Friday. Oh and Sean drinks some crazy European beer if they have it.

Jamo- the most popular drink they have by far

Tequilla- Patron or Don, the second most popular thing they have

3 Olives Cherry- drink this with coke and it tastes exactly like cherry coke.

Jack Daniels for those who like to party

Everything else, which are mostly disgusting and unneccessary

10-4 is a different experience for everyone but for my friends and it mostly consists of playing beer pong, yelling at Victor to make us impossible things, eating pizza and buffalo chicken rolls, drinking alot for not a whole lot of money, yelling things like "hey girl with the butt, show us your butt"*** and other general well behaved debauchery.**** Really we are just waiting for Gusto to turn on the lights and kick everyone out. Because after hours Pier is my favorite of all the Pier 76 phases.


Late Night Pier 4 am until ......

After the doors are locked and the people who "aren't family" according to Gusto are thrown out, Pier 76 becomes the worlds best and latest house party. If you can wait until everyone is kicked out and all the money has been counted and the bartenders and barbacks have all been paid then you get to enjoy a private party with some of your closest friends. Perks include being able to smoke inside, music that is strictly jukebox and cash games of beer pong where the beer is free or cheap depending on how drunk Gusto is. If this doesn't sound like fun to you then I don't know what to tell you, I have no idea why you are reading this blog.

At this time is usually when my friends pipe in the kitchen or the bathroom. Post 4 am is when we occasionally have to leave our cars there and call Uncle Gusto to pick us up at 6 am because "hes T-1000, he never sleeps". Post 4 am is when Gusto and I destroyed Frisc and Mike so many times at cash games of beer pong that Mike literally lost all his money and owed us money the next day but we felt too bad to ask for it. Post 4 AM is a bad place but if you can make it that long you are in for a good time, maybe the best of times.....


* the bartenders still manage to doa good job of this despite the obstacle of other people
** I only included the weekend bartenders because who cares about the others
*** This was really said but surprisingly wasn't successfull
**** an oxymoron I realize but bear with me

The uncanny parallels between alcohol and religion

Lets start with the usual pleasentries and caveats. If the following essay offends you please see the apology listed below*.

There are uncanny parallels between alcohol and religion.

I'm not saying this in the "I'm so hardcore, I love alcohol so much, Jack Daniels is God's nector type of way". I woke up this morning after a night of "casual" drinking and had an epiphany. I realized there are startling similiarities between how many people approach both their alcohol choices and their religion. This is broken into 2 parts. Part 1 follows

This realization came after the following exchange last night.

Joe: Pick my drink for me

Mike: Jameson and Ginger Ale

Joe: (puzzled look on his face)

Mike: Alot of people order it, its suppossedly very good. (Makes the drink and hands it to me)

Joe: This is delicious

I realized this morning, I had no reason to be skeptical of trying a Ginger Ale and Jameson but I was. I like both those things seprately, my only hesitation came from a "belief" that Jameson was to be enjoyed by itself. I onced scoffed at somebody who ordered Jamo with coke. I realized that everybody has a belief system when it comes to alcohol and in a lot of ways it is not much different from your religious beliefs.

Most people are influenced by the religion of those around them at a young age, most often their family and worship that religion. Most people drink what the people around them drink when they reach the age when they start drinking (whatever that age may be). In fact some people will tell you that they started drinking whatever their alcohol of choice was because that was what they seen their parents drink and it was always around them at a young age. They never gave it much thought. If you ask many people, thats inevitably how they ended up with their chosen religious beliefs as well; "my family was Catholic they raised me Catholic so now I am Catholic". It works the other way too; "my family drank Budweiser so thats what I drink".


Alot of people change their religion at some point in their life. Sometimes it is a change of apathy as in they were Jewish and now consider themselves Agnostic. This is akin to somebody who only drank Vodka Martinis but has now opened up their alcohol choices to include just about anything. They just don't care or believe enough to be limited to the rules of a particular religion much like the person who doesn't care enough to limit themselves strictly to one drink all the time.

Some people will switch religions more conventionally. They will switch from Christianity to Islam. This is kind of like switching from primarily drinking wine to primarily drinking scotch.

Some people will make a minor switch, like converting from Lutheran to Episcipalian**. This is like switching from Bud Light to Bud heavies.

Sometimes tastes just change in both cases. We grow older and we mature and what we want out of a religion or an alcohol changes . This is natural.

Some people define themselves by their religions. The first thing they tell you about themselves is their religion and often times it seems to be their only noticable character trait. "Hi I'm Mark and I'm a Christian". People do this as well with alcohol. "Hi I'm Mark and I drink gin". In both cases this one singular trait is how this person seems to identify themselves and in both cases it is completely ridiculous to assume we know anything about this person other than that one piece of information but in their minds they have associated themselves with something and built a personality in a certain image based on that one fact.


Some people select a religion to seem cool or different. These are the people who tell you they are Buddhist*** or drink some obscure beer that nobody has ever heard of and get angry when every bar they go to doesn't have it.

Part 2

"If beer is your religion then McSorley's is your Mecca"- Joe Bisceglie

If alcohol and religion can run so parallel to one another then churches/temples/mosques and bars must also be comparable.

Both have the obvious social parallels. They are places to meet people and interact socially and sometimes meet the future love of your life.

In both cases many people attend whatever is closest to their home.

However alot of people have very specific needs or desires as far as a place of worship or a bar so many people will travel a greater distance to go to their chosen place.

Some people will change their chosen venue to follow a worker who left one place and one went to another. My mom ofton goes to Holy Family church for father Jim. This is equivalent to me going to a different bar because Mike started bartending somewhere else.

Some people are very particular and will only go to one bar/place of worship.

Some people are like Quinn and don't ever go to bars but drink alot in people's homes. This is equivalent to being agnostic.

Some people only go to church twice a year, on Christmas and easter. These same people only go to a bar on New Years Eve and St. Patricks day. In both cases these people are called great big phonies.

Some people; at least according to Steve Harvey go to church seemingly EVERY day. These people are like me and Mike circa 2007 when we went to the bar EVERY day almost.

Some people don't drink and they are obviously Atheists.

There are probably many more examples but I've been writing for a while and I am hungover and most people probably stopped reading 400 words ago....



*If this blog offended you, fuck off and get over yourself
** The writer of this blog claims ignorance on the difference b/w these 2 religions so this analogy might be completely off base.
*** This is not meant to offend any practicing Budhists. It just seems like a trendy religious choice. I'm sure anyone reading this chose it because it matched their beliefs and not to impress Hipsters.

Jealousy doesn't a rivalry make

The Jets and Giants don't have a rivalry. I'm not writing that because my girlfriend is a Jet fan or in a condescending "the Jets aren't even a blip on our radar" type way. I'm writing it because it's true. Today Bill Simmons gave 4 criteria for a rivalry to exist between 2 teams.

The fan bases need to hate each other. You need to play each other fairly frequently. You need to have each been around for awhile. And you need to have had some great/memorable/classic games and a few clearcut battles for the upper hand.

Lets touch on the last 3 first and then get to the first one.

You need to play each other fairly frequently-

every 3 years and once a preseason when the starters are pulled after 20 minutes of game time does not count as frequently.

You need to each have been around for a while-

I guess this qualifies here but by that logic England and China have a rivalry with each other.....

Some great/classic and memorable battles.

I honestly cannot remember one game between the Giants and Jets in my lifetime. I think Jason Sehorn blew out his knee in one of the preseason contests b/w them but I could be way off on that one.

Now the first point or as is the case here the last point; the fan bases need to hate each other....

Let me be as clear about this; Giants and Jet fans DO NOT HATE ONE ANOTHER. My little brother hates the Jets because he has alot of 18 year old idiot friends who are obnoxious Jet fans and I can understand that. However unless you REALLY hate your friends who are Jet fans, you have no reason as a Giant fan to root against them and vice versa.

The Giants have 2 fairly prominent rivals that they play twice a year in Philly and Dallas. Do we really need more hate in our hearts for a team in a seperate conference who we seemingly never play, is no threat to us and has a fan base that can best be described as "tortured"? Hating the Jets basically means one of a few things:

1- You are a shitty person who attaches your own sense of self worth to your sports team aka you think their success makes you a better person somehow. If this is the case please wander into oncoming traffic somewhere because these are the world's worst people.

2- You were fine with the Jets when they were the unsuccessfull little brother who never threatened the Giants place in the city's heart, but now that they are having more success you are jealous and have decided Jet fans are lousy people and the team sucks and you can't be happy for them.

Now if you hate the Giants as a Jet fan it basically means

1. You have developed some wierd underdog/outcast image of yourself and your team and somehow the Giants success over the years makes you jealous and bitter and angry.

2. You have obnoxious Giant fan friends who torture you in an unrelenting manner. If thats the case get some new fucken friends...

The conclusion? Either way you are a jealous asshole, either jealous of past or current success and you need to get over it. Only one team a year will truly satisfy their fan base. If some non-Giants team HAS to win the Super Bowl and unfortunately the current rules mandate this then let it be the Jets. As long as its not the Eagles.. or the Cowboys.

All of the Jet fans I know rooted for the Giants in the Super Bowl against the Pats. I will be very dissapointed if in 2 weeks my Giant fan friends are not returning the favor*.

Now, inevitably somebody will bring up Yankees and Mets and ask how that is different. First of all if you want to make the case that Mets Yanks isn't a real rivalry I can live with that. I am not sure if it fits all the above criteria. However..

The proximity exists, the hatred of the fan bases is real not imagined. There have been MANY classic contests between the two (the Dave Miliki game, the Shawn Estes game, game 1 of 2000 W.S., the Luis Castillo game) so on and so forth. Plus the two teams play a guaranteed 6 contests against one another each year.

Mets Yankees is a legitimate rivalry. Unfortunately because of it and the rivalries between the local hockey teams** people think that fans of opposite New York based teams must naturally be enemies. Familiarity breeds contempt and as illustrated above the lack of actual games pitting the Giants and Jets against one another makes them just another team and furthermore a team that if they win 2 more games will make some people I love extremely happy.

So go Jets I will be rooting for you.


*Unless you have money tied to the jets not winning. As I've said before money trumps everything
** So I'm told. I honestly have no clue about hockey and I could not care less about it. They tell me the Rangers and Islanders are rivals and I believe them.

A defense of something I love

I have written at least one blog each month since I started this blog. This was the closest I have come to missing a month yet. I blame the new job.

I love college football. I don't expect any one else to love it. In fact, among the most sportscentric group of people in the world, I can only talk to two of my friends about college football. One of my favorite parts of my week is talking with Pieters and discussing our picks for the upcoming weekend. Its a pool with only about 17 people in it this year meanwhile every NFL pool run by the same guy is either full or has 40-70 people in it. It makes no sense to me.

However this year has not been the best. Just this week I have seen a school in Texas join the "Big East" strictly because they want to play in a major conference and because the Big East was tired of being the biggest joke in college football.

This screwed over Boise st. which joined the WAC in hopes of forming a 7th "major" conference along with other perenial powers Utah, TCU and BYU. Instead all three left and now Boise is in the same predicament they were in before, just in a different setting.

However this is not even the worst thing to happen to Boise this week. Losing to Nevada in OT after your kicker missed 2 short FGs would qualify. Thats not the most depressing part. The most depressing part was apparently this 21 year old kid recieved death threats and had people making inflmatory Facebook groups about him. Really?? This is a college kid. When I was his age I could barely handle the pressure of school and a part time job and a girl not liking me. He has to live with letting his teammates and coaches and fans down and costing them a chance at a once in a life time opportunity and people feel the need to pile on him? Stay classy America.

It's not like the kid is Cam Newton. Cam Newton should be the best story in college football this year. He is Vince Young 2.0 tearing up the SEC leading a previously down and out Auburn to the SEC title game all the while becoming the out of nowhere Heisman front runner. Instead all I hear about are allegations that he cheated on tests while at another school and that he is attending Auburn not to play in a spread offense built around his talents or to become a folk hero in Alabama but because his family was paid more than I make in 3 years for him to go there.

Heres the worst part. I am fairly certain in a few years he will be found guilty of some wrong doing, have his Heisman (if he wins it) taken away and the school will have all these wins including a possible National Championship taken away. I've found in college sports that when there's smoke there is fire and Cam Newton's reputation is paying for the sins of Reggie Bush and SMU and John Calipari and Chris Webber and so on and so forth.

However the thing most people point to when criticizing college football is the BCS. "I can't follow a sport that doesn't have a playoff". Who really cares though? Theres 117 Division 1 football programs. Would it really be possible to truly figure out which is the single best one? For 50+ years we awarded national championships based on nothing but public perception. Now at least we have a convulated system that pits 2 teams against one another and I think we can all agree the two teams that play for the title every year are 2 of the 5 best. Besides, National Title games aren't why I love college football. There have only been two memorable title games for me; Ohio St vs Miami and Texas vs USC. No, I love college football for other reasons.

I love college football for the rivalries. Ohio St., Michigan means way too much to people in the midwest and even though I despise both schools I like when sports mean too much because they mean too much to me. Thats not all I love though.

I love the SEC and hate anybody who tries to tell me any conference is better any given year.

I love the uniforms; have you seen what Oregon wears?

I love Boise st.'s blue field.

I love that LSU has a play that they practice every week where the place holder flips a ball over his head whil on one knee to a KICKER who catches it and runs for a first down.

I love spread offenses and triple options the wishbone and the run n shoot and other "gimmicky" offenses.

I love hating Ohio st and USC and Notre dame and Nick Saban.

I love seeing Julio Jones and AJ Green and knowing that they are the next in line to be Calvin Johnson and Andre Johnson.

I love Kellen Moore's insane accuracy.

I love players diving for throws that are intentionally out of bounds and tipping them to teammates for INTs.

I love Wisconsin and Oregon putting on 50+ on almost everyone they play and I am kind of sad they won't play in the Rose Bowl against one another.

I love Tim Tebow and miss him.

I love going to a college football game. If any one tries to tell me going to an NFL game is a better experience then I will just leave the conversation.

I love that every year a small school will upset a powerhouse and for those kids it will be the high point of their athletic careers.

Mostly I love football and getting a few more hours of it every week, well that's not a bad thing.