You Like that Side Boob?

Who's More Dissapointed the Last 3 Weeks?

2011-08-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

Life is a series of dissapointments. Unfortunately two things that have brought me great joy; the New York Giants and Entourage have been utterly dissapointing the last few weeks. Now some people like myself, Frisc, Mike, Hick Matt all love both things so these last 3 weeks have been awful for us. But not everyone is like the four of us. So who has had a more dissapointing last 3 weeks, fans of Entourage or fans of the Giants? Luckily I am here to break this down.

1. Biggest Loss:

Giants: Kevin Boss who rightfully took about 3 times what he was worth to sign with the God awful Okland Raiders.

Entourage: Turtle's "girlfriend"

More Dissapointing: I enjoyed the fake Shockey era but was he even one of the 15 best Tight Ends in football? Entourage is more dissapointing.

2. Best attempt to "Spin" the last 3 weeks:

Giants: We like to fly under the radar and we've always built through the draft not through free agency.

Entourage: They are setting things up for later in the year.

More Dissapointing: Entourage, 7 seasons and they've never "set up" a story line all of a sudden with a few episodes left they are getting cute?

3. Most Depressing Moment of the last 3 weeks:

Giants: The fact that Steve Smith not only left but signed with the team I hate the most.

Entourage: You could go with the coke addict killing himself, Turtle getting dumped, the Sloan/E breakup, but I have to go with everything Vince has done so far. They've set him up as a drug addict so he can't get drunk or smoke pot and none of the other guys can either so basically it's just a show about dudes dealing with grown up issues. Fuck this Degrassi bullshit.

More Depressing: Entourage. I loved Steve Smith but he is coming off microfracture. Nostalgia has no place in football.

4. Underlying part that makes each fan base more depressed:

Giants: Giant fans have had to sit back and watch our biggest rivals sign every single big time free agent to add to their already impressive group that ruined our lives last year. It's one thing when your team seemingly isn't doing anything to improve but another to see your most hated rival jump to the next level.

Entourage: Umm, lets go with the fact that this is the last season of the show so if it sucks, we never get any more episodes.

More Depressing: Entourage. The Giants still games to be played. Entourage is running out of time.

5. Most Dissapointing Acquisition:

Entourage: Andrew Dice Clay. Can they please just end this awful Drama cartoon storyline?

Giants: Prince Akimura who broke his foot. Its always great when your first round pick will probably help the team in absolutely no way at all his first year.

More Dissapointing: Prince and the Giants, its hard to say your dissapointed by the performance of a comedian who was last relevent when I was going to after school center.

6. Most Underrated Loss:

Giants: Rich Seubert and Shaun O'Hara, 2 mainstays of the offensive line that went from much maligned to severely underated to dominant to slightly overrated to dissapointing over the last 5 years.

Entourage: The 10 pounds Ari's wife lost. Ladies, let this be a lesson, skinner is not always better.

More Dissapointing: Giants, Ari's wife annoys me at least now I am not attracted to her

7. Biggest Sign of Hope:

Giants: They still have Eli, Hakeem Nicks, Tuck, Kenny Phillips and Bradshaw. There's talent on the roster, and they have a coach who has won the Super Bowl and has proven he can harnass that talent.

Entourage: Its not hard to write a successfull Entourage episode. Hot chicks, dudes drinking, smoking pot and doing fun shit, Ari being a douche, 2 or 3 cool songs, and the guys looking out over a beautiful scenery at the end of an episode where everything works out. They still make cool songs, hot girls still exist and these 4 characters are still there. All the elements of a great episode are in place, somebody just needs to put them together.

More Depressing Overall: I have to say I have more hope with the Giants. Both things have been utterly awful for the last few weeks but for the Giants, the season has not even started. We don't know how this particular team will fare. Entourage has wasted 3 of their last 8 episodes so far. I don't see how they turn this around without either

A) rushing everything into the 2 last episodes
B) saving things for the movie, leaving the series itself as incomplete and pissing off everyone who loved the show.

So there you have it, Entourage has been more depressing over the last 3 weeks than the NY Giants. Congrats Giants, you are only the second most dissapointing part of my life.

LBI

2011-08-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

"That's what a great bar does. It stays the same so we can measure our own change. That's why we mourn them when they disappear."- Wright Thompson

"To all my grandchildren, this house is for you to use and enjoy but it is not for wild parties and out of control drinking"- Mike's grandfather in an email he sent that is posted on the house fridge.

I have been going to Mike's grandfather's house on Long Beach Island in New Jersey for 2-5 days for about 5 years now. It is not a bar itself although at various times it has been home to more beer cans than many bars. In fact if Mike's grandfather ever witnessed what goes on during the 5 days he allows Mike to use the house he would probably ban him from ever using it again. This would be a tragedy of epic proportions.

LBI is one of two annual rites of summer for my group of friends, the other being going upstate to either my parent's or my aunts house. Amazingly enough upstate is the more subdued of the two trips. LBI is the show as in shitshow. After all these years we have it down to a science.

If you come bring beer, think of how many you plan on drinking and bring more than that.

Remind people to bring ice, warm beer sucks.

We eat Ming Dynasty, Wendys, WaWa and the bagel store. Some people have Taco Bell. These people clearly have stronger stomachs than I.

You shit at Ming. Its accepted. If you somehow make it out of Ming without shitting it means you probably shit your pants during the 8 minute drive home.

LBI is communist Cuba and Mike is Fidel Castro. Everyone is equal except Mike. For instance...

Beds are first come first serve. "Calling beds" is not allowed. If you go to bed first you get your pick of which bed you want. Theres 3 beds, 2 mattresses and some floor space. Getting a bed is a luxury. Only Mike's bed is guaranteed and if he is feeling nice or wants to pipe you he may let you share it with him.

Going to bed first is not all puppies and icecream. If you go to bed first you leave yourself open to getting fucked with. This includes having a vacumm put in your room to wake you up. Or having Mike's ass ending up on your face. Or someone trying to tape you to a bed.

In fact the last one lead to one of the only things ever broken in LBI; a lamp. The lamp was thrown at the people attempting the taping about 5 years ago. In fact the lamp itself didnt break, just the bulb.

It's a minor miracle not more things break during some of the "questionable" ideas. For instance its amazing not more damage was done during the backyard "soccer game" that ended 1-0 and lead to a ban on backyard soccer.

Or during backyard beer can homerun derby with a wiffleball bat.

Or during the 3 am fireworks show which had been postponed at 1 am because Mike said it was a bad idea. And it was, it lead to the one and only time the neighbors came over to complain about the noise.

The neighbor girl however has come over more than once. She is a classy type of girl. In fact she once remarked "I'm not going to kiss you because I have a boyfriend." The fact that she gave a blowjob to the person instead is inconsequential to the story.

The previous is not even my favorite story involving a hook up with the neighbor girl, someone was once asked "you have a girlfriend? I thought you hooked up with that girl in LBI" Their reply was "it wasn't serious yet because we hadn't gone apple picking yet"

In fact hooking up used to be a big part of LBI. Pollie once fucked a girl so hard he knocked some of the shit off the walls.

Legend has it that Sean banged a girl who most closely resembled Chewbacca. Sean has denied this for years but we have irrefutable evidence in the form of "I seen his little red hick balls"- Matt Lenzo.

Sometimes girls come who don't get hooked up with. In the story of LBI this is called "The PSU girls" year or 2008. Mike had a genius idea to invite Danielle, my sister and their friends from Penn State. This year holds the record for most LBI annomolies.

For instance the girls immediately commandeered an entire room. They placed all their things in it. This cut the available bed and floor space in half. It also somehow led to a unique sleeping arrangement.

I won't disclose the parties involved but I will disclose this quote "I figured she wanted to hook up so I put my thumb up her ass, then she got up and left the bed"

It was Scott's thumb in the above story.

Bed's and assholes were not the only things that weren't shared that weekend. Food in the LBI house has been sporadic at best. It mostly consists of chips, leftovers from WaWa and whatever food Mike's family left at the house in the previous summer weeks. However during the fatefull week in 2008, the PSU girls brought their own food to LBI.

The afformentioned food were things like carrots and chips and other crap worth less than $30. LBI is communism, there is no mine there is everyone's. This wasn't properly explained to the girls and when some one (Me) ate their food mostly out of spite they lost their shit. Some may find this wrong but in LBI nobody is special.

This is a lesson some cunt needed to learn in 2010. Somehow this girl thought that smoking IN the house was ok. This is noteworthy in no way except that it lead to this quote "she thnks she can do whatever she wants cuz she used to suck Gusto's dick" Dick Maida is a funny man.

The above quote happened on the boat. The boat is legendary in LBI. No boat has ever been occupied for more time by more people than Mike's grandfathers boat in LBI. I've only heard of it being driven once but I personally have spent 15+ hours on the boat in my lifetime. The afformentioned trip was not 15 hours long. In fact I was not even on said trip.

Sometimes there are beers on the boat and sometimes there arent. In fact the boat isnt the only occasionally sober activity. In recent years trips to the island have resulted in mini golf, waterpark and overpriced dining; all done while sober.

My favorite addition to sober activities is Sorry. Yes 4 straight sober 20 something year old dudes sit around playing Sorry during the day usually while not drinking. We ain't young like we used to be and Sorry helps keep people from starting drinking too early and thus passing out too early. It also lead to one of my favorite quotes "Sorry? This is a Sorry group right here". Uncle Gerald is an LBI legend and that quote is just a part of it.

The man has been rumored to work on the house for the entire day, all the while consuming a case or more of beer, always Bud Heavies. In fact while it hurts for us to admit it, Uncle Gerald's LBI drinking prowess far surpasses any of our own. Not for lack of trying however.

One on One baseball, bet your liver, up the river down the river, the Chachi Bullo drinking game. These are some of the absolutely awful drinking games that have been played in LBI. In fact LBI is where I got so mad at Mike I slapped the card off the table when he pushed me for the 17th straight time in up the river down the river. Nobody picked up the cards until the next morning.

LBI is not only about drinking heavily although it is prevalent. You see Mike's grandfather's house is a constant. Nothing has changed since I started going there. The beds are exactly the same, the TV still only gets about 15 channels, there is no internet, the boat never moves, the fridge never has anything other than domestic light beer. The AC is always on full blast and the same shit is always on the walls. LBI has been a post collegiate escape for a week for anyone lucky enough to have Mike Williamson call them his friend.

It 's evolution is what interests me the most. You see it goes back to the quote from Wright Thompson at the top of the page. LBI has never changed. Any changes such as moderating day drinking to play sorry or finally deciding we were mature enough to play beer pong in the living room were results of us evolving as people. Some may look at my group of friends and think we haven't grown up since college. I can look at us and say we have and that the best part is; we can still go away to south Jersey for a week and party like old times, although we may start slightly later than we used to.

17 weeks of Contingency Plan

2011-06-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for the lack of blogs recently. I lacked inspiration and time, the 2 foremost staples of my blog writing prowess. Originally this blog was going to be a top 10 list of things to do if there is no football season but that would be too lazy for my first blog in 4 months

I believe strongly in backup plans. Now while I can't imagine the NFL players and owners won't figure out this lockout situation I want to be prepared in case they don't. Here is my contingency plan in case the NFL season is in fact canceled.

Week 1: Stay hungover in my hotel after Mio's wedding which is scheduled for the first week of football season. With no reason to wake up the next day my plan is to nap through the ceremony, wake up crisp and refreshed and use the reception as a pregame. I expect Mike and I to knock on the door of Mio's suite at 5 a.m. yelling at him to "stop piping and come drink beers with us"*

Week 2: Super Mega BBQ. Beer can chicken, pulled pork, bacon explosion, burgers, wings, hunks of meat sauteed in garlic. Play Rusty Apples, get Ralph's ices. Basically all my favorite parts of football Sunday without the football.

Week 3: Watch baseball, enjoy the pennant races and learn all the players on the Mets 40 man roster. Figure out who I am going to root for against the Phillies come playoff baseball time.

Week 4: Watch the Giants SuperBowl DVD...3 times

Week 5: Fantasy Soccer draft. Lionel Messi=Adrian Peterson

Week 6: Make fun of Gusto for trade offers like Jozy Altidore and David Beckham for Ronaldo. Insist that is not in fact "the best he can do"

Week 7: Ask Hecky for help in fantasy soccer league. Mike and I have a 35 minute discussion about whether to make it a "keeper" league. Mike gets mad because Ricky and I make an inter sport Chicharitto for Dan Haren trade.

Week 8: Plummet to last in fantasy soccer league. Declare "this league is horseshittt". Find out Roger Goodell's address.

Week 9: Take a shit on Roger Goodell's front doorstep

Week 10: Do charity work, work out more, read more, take up chess, make myself a more well rounded and better person overall. Adopt a small child.

Week 11: Give up on that shit from last week and take up heroin.

Week 12: More heroin.

Week 13: Kick heroin, do early Christmas shopping. Leave small child at the mall.**

Week 14: Go to Pier 76, find Anthony Pieters wandering around outside like Ron Burgandy 3/4's of the way through Anchorman.

Week 15: Debate the merits of heroin again. Take up cycling instead.

Week 16: Wonder things like "why doesn't Pier open earlier" Spend 55 minutes trying to convince Frisc we still need a Super Bowl party with man chili to watch Puppy Bowl.

Week 17: Prepare for the 2012 fantasy football season.

* In reality I will probably pass out 3 hours before Mike on this night.
** I haven't thought about what the child will do in the 2 weeks between when I adopt it and when I abandon it.

24 hours of Pier 76....

2011-02-11T19:30:00.000-08:00

I started writing this months ago when I still worked at Pier 76. Half of it is from that perspective and half is from my perspective now which is vastly different.

"You opened this bar around the same time I became single and it basically ruined my life"- Paul Hyer

"It's not called Pier, its called Blackout 76"- Ryan Viera

"I just want to do hood rat things with my friends"- Joe Gustavino

Thanks to two people (Gusto and Kara) I have been able to spend an inordinate amount of time at Pier 76 over the last year. The place is truly amazing. There's basically three different aspects to it and only a select hand full of people are familiar with all three and of those people I am probably the only one qualified to write a blog about it. Without further ado here is a look at the three phases of Pier 76.

Restaurant 10 AM to 10 PM

During the day Pier 76 is a neighborhood restaurant with a fiercely loyal customer base and a moderate amount of foot traffic. Its location means that alot of the business includes city and state employees as well as the construction guys doing work around the ferry. The same 10-15 people come in almost every day. One girl Jamie works in a law office literally 2 buildings away and orders so often that we don't write her address on the delivery slip anymore we just write "Jaime".

In fact as a delivery "driver" I will often use less than a gallon of gas over the course of a day since 80% of the deliveries are walking distance. In fact I even started telling the phone girl on Mondays not to "give me any fucken deliveries that I can't walk to". Unfortunately she doesn't listen.

The day time staff usually includes one owner (Jeremy or Gusto), Victor who works somewhere between 70 and 80 hours a week (I'm not kidding), a delivery person and then 2 out of the following 3; bartender, waitress, counter girl. The staff is a cast of variable morons and personality deficient retards who barely like one another but actually get along surprisingly well.

I didn't include the mexicans who work in the back because they rarely interact with the rest of us unless its making us food, fucking up the orders, not doing what they are told because they are too busy watching Jean Claude Van Damm movies or laughing when they see me dance to their spanish music. Plus half the white girls who work there are scared of them and other than Vanessa nobody knows their names.

The first hour or so of the day is spent making the pizzas, setting up the tables and bar, making pizza boxes and filling the fridge with drinks. This is as boring as it sounds. However it is really the calm before the storm. From 12 to 2 is the storm.

This is when the phones ring and tables full of people come in to eat and the pizzeria is jammed. During this time I will have between 2 and 5 deliveries. Deliveries are not the main source of business at Pier. I make so little money even the Mexicans in the back look down on me.

From 2-5 is fun time. We usually eat lunch, watch Sportscenter for the 4th time. On Thursdays at 3 is nap time. On Mon and Wed Gusto and I will spend between 30 and 200 minutes talking about sports. This drives some of the female workers nuts but nobody cares what they think.

3 P.M also marks the time when Andrew and Vic stock the bar for that night's activities. Inventory is usually done at this time and results in the following convo; Gusto: "fuck we have nothing, we went through a case of Jamo in a weekend" Bop: we ALWAYS go through a case of Jamo and we never have anything." Gusto: "My next bar is only going to serve Jamo and tap beer"

Here's the thing, they NEVER have anything. They routinely run out of their most popular and unpopular liquors. It's not just liquors, today they didn't have Calamari. For a week now there's been no 20 oz. bottles of Coke or Diet coke so they've been sending delivery drivers on store runs to buy cans. Let that sink in, they routinely don't have the two most popular beverages they sell. This is also about the third time in the last month this has happened. For the first 3 weeks I worked there we didn't have peach Snapple. I am fully convinced Pier 76 is a social experiment to prove that you don't need stock to actually run a successful business.

My favorite part of the Restaurant is the secret menu. It includes things like Lobster Raviolis, zeppolies and the Gusto/Bop wrap. These things are not on any of the menus but are all available to those who know to order them.

At 5 a new crew comes in minus whoever is working a double and there's more deliveries that require more driving and a few tables for dinner. Basicaly 5-10 is boring unless there's a MNF game or a Yankee playoff game The tables go away around 9:45, the crew all go home except for Victor, the owner and the bartenders. It's transformation time.

10 PM- 4 AM. Staten Island bar/local shit show.

Once the tables are gone the main restaurant area is consumed by either a DJ or a band and beer pong tables and patrons drunkenly dancing. The main goal of Pier 76 seems to be to get it's patrons completely inebriated every time they are there.

This includes the "regulars" who all know one of the two owners or the bartender in some way or another. As one of these people I feel fiercly protective of Pier 76 and actually get angry at the "others"; those people who we don't know. Now Gusto and Jeremy love these people because they keep the bar in business and maybe even profitable. I hate these people. In fact...

I would argue that 10 PM to 4 AM is my least favorite time at Pier. You see I hate people. More specifically I hate people I don't know. Unfortunately during prime night business time the bar is full of people I dont know. These people take up space in the bar and occupy the time of the bartenders who I feel should be entirely devoted to getting me and my friends blackout drunk.*

These bartenders include**

Ricky: the worlds tallest and greatest bartender
Tom: Ricky's friend who often times redefines the word "mess"
Matt Lenzo: Matt would be a better bartender if he didn't leave the general bar area so much. It would also help if he could see over the bar.
Mike Williamson: Mike's worst quality as a barkeep is that he trys to get everyone as drunk as he wants to be. It's also his best quality.
Nick: I don't know Nick but he seems like an extremely proffessional barkeep. I'm not exactly sure why he works at Pier.
Rich: I love Rich, he has a beard often hooks me up even though I'm 99% convinced he doesn't know my real name.

The bar serves 30+ different kinds of beer, over 20 different kinds of Vodka and over 50 different types of liquor. In reality lets break down what they serve.

Beer- Tap beer for pong, domestic bottles for the poor people and the hedons and Blue Moon for Pieters and I until it runs out around 11 PM every Friday. Oh and Sean drinks some crazy European beer if they have it.

Jamo- the most popular drink they have by far

Tequilla- Patron or Don, the second most popular thing they have

3 Olives Cherry- drink this with coke and it tastes exactly like cherry coke.

Jack Daniels for those who like to party

Everything else, which are mostly disgusting and unneccessary

10-4 is a different experience for everyone but for my friends and it mostly consists of playing beer pong, yelling at Victor to make us impossible things, eating pizza and buffalo chicken rolls, drinking alot for not a whole lot of money, yelling things like "hey girl with the butt, show us your butt"*** and other general well behaved debauchery.**** Really we are just waiting for Gusto to turn on the lights and kick everyone out. Because after hours Pier is my favorite of all the Pier 76 phases.

Late Night Pier 4 am until ......

After the doors are locked and the people who "aren't family" according to Gusto are thrown out, Pier 76 becomes the worlds best and latest house party. If you can wait until everyone is kicked out and all the money has been counted and the bartenders and barbacks have all been paid then you get to enjoy a private party with some of your closest friends. Perks include being able to smoke inside, music that is strictly jukebox and cash games of beer pong where the beer is free or cheap depending on how drunk Gusto is. If this doesn't sound like fun to you then I don't know what to tell you, I have no idea why you are reading this blog.

At this time is usually when my friends pipe in the kitchen or the bathroom. Post 4 am is when we occasionally have to leave our cars there and call Uncle Gusto to pick us up at 6 am because "hes T-1000, he never sleeps". Post 4 am is when Gusto and I destroyed Frisc and Mike so many times at cash games of beer pong that Mike literally lost all his money and owed us money the next day but we felt too bad to ask for it. Post 4 AM is a bad place but if you can make it that long you are in for a good time, maybe the best of times.....

* the bartenders still manage to doa good job of this despite the obstacle of other people
** I only included the weekend bartenders because who cares about the others
*** This was really said but surprisingly wasn't successfull
**** an oxymoron I realize but bear with me

The uncanny parallels between alcohol and religion

2011-02-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

Lets start with the usual pleasentries and caveats. If the following essay offends you please see the apology listed below*.

There are uncanny parallels between alcohol and religion.

I'm not saying this in the "I'm so hardcore, I love alcohol so much, Jack Daniels is God's nector type of way". I woke up this morning after a night of "casual" drinking and had an epiphany. I realized there are startling similiarities between how many people approach both their alcohol choices and their religion. This is broken into 2 parts. Part 1 follows

This realization came after the following exchange last night.

Joe: Pick my drink for me

Mike: Jameson and Ginger Ale

Joe: (puzzled look on his face)

Mike: Alot of people order it, its suppossedly very good. (Makes the drink and hands it to me)

Joe: This is delicious

I realized this morning, I had no reason to be skeptical of trying a Ginger Ale and Jameson but I was. I like both those things seprately, my only hesitation came from a "belief" that Jameson was to be enjoyed by itself. I onced scoffed at somebody who ordered Jamo with coke. I realized that everybody has a belief system when it comes to alcohol and in a lot of ways it is not much different from your religious beliefs.

Most people are influenced by the religion of those around them at a young age, most often their family and worship that religion. Most people drink what the people around them drink when they reach the age when they start drinking (whatever that age may be). In fact some people will tell you that they started drinking whatever their alcohol of choice was because that was what they seen their parents drink and it was always around them at a young age. They never gave it much thought. If you ask many people, thats inevitably how they ended up with their chosen religious beliefs as well; "my family was Catholic they raised me Catholic so now I am Catholic". It works the other way too; "my family drank Budweiser so thats what I drink".

Alot of people change their religion at some point in their life. Sometimes it is a change of apathy as in they were Jewish and now consider themselves Agnostic. This is akin to somebody who only drank Vodka Martinis but has now opened up their alcohol choices to include just about anything. They just don't care or believe enough to be limited to the rules of a particular religion much like the person who doesn't care enough to limit themselves strictly to one drink all the time.

Some people will switch religions more conventionally. They will switch from Christianity to Islam. This is kind of like switching from primarily drinking wine to primarily drinking scotch.

Some people will make a minor switch, like converting from Lutheran to Episcipalian**. This is like switching from Bud Light to Bud heavies.

Sometimes tastes just change in both cases. We grow older and we mature and what we want out of a religion or an alcohol changes . This is natural.

Some people define themselves by their religions. The first thing they tell you about themselves is their religion and often times it seems to be their only noticable character trait. "Hi I'm Mark and I'm a Christian". People do this as well with alcohol. "Hi I'm Mark and I drink gin". In both cases this one singular trait is how this person seems to identify themselves and in both cases it is completely ridiculous to assume we know anything about this person other than that one piece of information but in their minds they have associated themselves with something and built a personality in a certain image based on that one fact.

Some people select a religion to seem cool or different. These are the people who tell you they are Buddhist*** or drink some obscure beer that nobody has ever heard of and get angry when every bar they go to doesn't have it.

Part 2

"If beer is your religion then McSorley's is your Mecca"- Joe Bisceglie

If alcohol and religion can run so parallel to one another then churches/temples/mosques and bars must also be comparable.

Both have the obvious social parallels. They are places to meet people and interact socially and sometimes meet the future love of your life.

In both cases many people attend whatever is closest to their home.

However alot of people have very specific needs or desires as far as a place of worship or a bar so many people will travel a greater distance to go to their chosen place.

Some people will change their chosen venue to follow a worker who left one place and one went to another. My mom ofton goes to Holy Family church for father Jim. This is equivalent to me going to a different bar because Mike started bartending somewhere else.

Some people are very particular and will only go to one bar/place of worship.

Some people are like Quinn and don't ever go to bars but drink alot in people's homes. This is equivalent to being agnostic.

Some people only go to church twice a year, on Christmas and easter. These same people only go to a bar on New Years Eve and St. Patricks day. In both cases these people are called great big phonies.

Some people; at least according to Steve Harvey go to church seemingly EVERY day. These people are like me and Mike circa 2007 when we went to the bar EVERY day almost.

Some people don't drink and they are obviously Atheists.

There are probably many more examples but I've been writing for a while and I am hungover and most people probably stopped reading 400 words ago....

*If this blog offended you, fuck off and get over yourself
** The writer of this blog claims ignorance on the difference b/w these 2 religions so this analogy might be completely off base.
*** This is not meant to offend any practicing Budhists. It just seems like a trendy religious choice. I'm sure anyone reading this chose it because it matched their beliefs and not to impress Hipsters.

Jealousy doesn't a rivalry make

2011-01-21T16:10:00.000-08:00

The Jets and Giants don't have a rivalry. I'm not writing that because my girlfriend is a Jet fan or in a condescending "the Jets aren't even a blip on our radar" type way. I'm writing it because it's true. Today Bill Simmons gave 4 criteria for a rivalry to exist between 2 teams.

The fan bases need to hate each other. You need to play each other fairly frequently. You need to have each been around for awhile. And you need to have had some great/memorable/classic games and a few clearcut battles for the upper hand.

Lets touch on the last 3 first and then get to the first one.

You need to play each other fairly frequently-

every 3 years and once a preseason when the starters are pulled after 20 minutes of game time does not count as frequently.

You need to each have been around for a while-

I guess this qualifies here but by that logic England and China have a rivalry with each other.....

Some great/classic and memorable battles.

I honestly cannot remember one game between the Giants and Jets in my lifetime. I think Jason Sehorn blew out his knee in one of the preseason contests b/w them but I could be way off on that one.

Now the first point or as is the case here the last point; the fan bases need to hate each other....

Let me be as clear about this; Giants and Jet fans DO NOT HATE ONE ANOTHER. My little brother hates the Jets because he has alot of 18 year old idiot friends who are obnoxious Jet fans and I can understand that. However unless you REALLY hate your friends who are Jet fans, you have no reason as a Giant fan to root against them and vice versa.

The Giants have 2 fairly prominent rivals that they play twice a year in Philly and Dallas. Do we really need more hate in our hearts for a team in a seperate conference who we seemingly never play, is no threat to us and has a fan base that can best be described as "tortured"? Hating the Jets basically means one of a few things:

1- You are a shitty person who attaches your own sense of self worth to your sports team aka you think their success makes you a better person somehow. If this is the case please wander into oncoming traffic somewhere because these are the world's worst people.

2- You were fine with the Jets when they were the unsuccessfull little brother who never threatened the Giants place in the city's heart, but now that they are having more success you are jealous and have decided Jet fans are lousy people and the team sucks and you can't be happy for them.

Now if you hate the Giants as a Jet fan it basically means

1. You have developed some wierd underdog/outcast image of yourself and your team and somehow the Giants success over the years makes you jealous and bitter and angry.

2. You have obnoxious Giant fan friends who torture you in an unrelenting manner. If thats the case get some new fucken friends...

The conclusion? Either way you are a jealous asshole, either jealous of past or current success and you need to get over it. Only one team a year will truly satisfy their fan base. If some non-Giants team HAS to win the Super Bowl and unfortunately the current rules mandate this then let it be the Jets. As long as its not the Eagles.. or the Cowboys.

All of the Jet fans I know rooted for the Giants in the Super Bowl against the Pats. I will be very dissapointed if in 2 weeks my Giant fan friends are not returning the favor*.

Now, inevitably somebody will bring up Yankees and Mets and ask how that is different. First of all if you want to make the case that Mets Yanks isn't a real rivalry I can live with that. I am not sure if it fits all the above criteria. However..

The proximity exists, the hatred of the fan bases is real not imagined. There have been MANY classic contests between the two (the Dave Miliki game, the Shawn Estes game, game 1 of 2000 W.S., the Luis Castillo game) so on and so forth. Plus the two teams play a guaranteed 6 contests against one another each year.

Mets Yankees is a legitimate rivalry. Unfortunately because of it and the rivalries between the local hockey teams** people think that fans of opposite New York based teams must naturally be enemies. Familiarity breeds contempt and as illustrated above the lack of actual games pitting the Giants and Jets against one another makes them just another team and furthermore a team that if they win 2 more games will make some people I love extremely happy.

So go Jets I will be rooting for you.

*Unless you have money tied to the jets not winning. As I've said before money trumps everything
** So I'm told. I honestly have no clue about hockey and I could not care less about it. They tell me the Rangers and Islanders are rivals and I believe them.

A defense of something I love

2010-11-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

I have written at least one blog each month since I started this blog. This was the closest I have come to missing a month yet. I blame the new job.

I love college football. I don't expect any one else to love it. In fact, among the most sportscentric group of people in the world, I can only talk to two of my friends about college football. One of my favorite parts of my week is talking with Pieters and discussing our picks for the upcoming weekend. Its a pool with only about 17 people in it this year meanwhile every NFL pool run by the same guy is either full or has 40-70 people in it. It makes no sense to me.

However this year has not been the best. Just this week I have seen a school in Texas join the "Big East" strictly because they want to play in a major conference and because the Big East was tired of being the biggest joke in college football.

This screwed over Boise st. which joined the WAC in hopes of forming a 7th "major" conference along with other perenial powers Utah, TCU and BYU. Instead all three left and now Boise is in the same predicament they were in before, just in a different setting.

However this is not even the worst thing to happen to Boise this week. Losing to Nevada in OT after your kicker missed 2 short FGs would qualify. Thats not the most depressing part. The most depressing part was apparently this 21 year old kid recieved death threats and had people making inflmatory Facebook groups about him. Really?? This is a college kid. When I was his age I could barely handle the pressure of school and a part time job and a girl not liking me. He has to live with letting his teammates and coaches and fans down and costing them a chance at a once in a life time opportunity and people feel the need to pile on him? Stay classy America.

It's not like the kid is Cam Newton. Cam Newton should be the best story in college football this year. He is Vince Young 2.0 tearing up the SEC leading a previously down and out Auburn to the SEC title game all the while becoming the out of nowhere Heisman front runner. Instead all I hear about are allegations that he cheated on tests while at another school and that he is attending Auburn not to play in a spread offense built around his talents or to become a folk hero in Alabama but because his family was paid more than I make in 3 years for him to go there.

Heres the worst part. I am fairly certain in a few years he will be found guilty of some wrong doing, have his Heisman (if he wins it) taken away and the school will have all these wins including a possible National Championship taken away. I've found in college sports that when there's smoke there is fire and Cam Newton's reputation is paying for the sins of Reggie Bush and SMU and John Calipari and Chris Webber and so on and so forth.

However the thing most people point to when criticizing college football is the BCS. "I can't follow a sport that doesn't have a playoff". Who really cares though? Theres 117 Division 1 football programs. Would it really be possible to truly figure out which is the single best one? For 50+ years we awarded national championships based on nothing but public perception. Now at least we have a convulated system that pits 2 teams against one another and I think we can all agree the two teams that play for the title every year are 2 of the 5 best. Besides, National Title games aren't why I love college football. There have only been two memorable title games for me; Ohio St vs Miami and Texas vs USC. No, I love college football for other reasons.

I love college football for the rivalries. Ohio St., Michigan means way too much to people in the midwest and even though I despise both schools I like when sports mean too much because they mean too much to me. Thats not all I love though.

I love the SEC and hate anybody who tries to tell me any conference is better any given year.

I love the uniforms; have you seen what Oregon wears?

I love Boise st.'s blue field.

I love that LSU has a play that they practice every week where the place holder flips a ball over his head whil on one knee to a KICKER who catches it and runs for a first down.

I love spread offenses and triple options the wishbone and the run n shoot and other "gimmicky" offenses.

I love hating Ohio st and USC and Notre dame and Nick Saban.

I love seeing Julio Jones and AJ Green and knowing that they are the next in line to be Calvin Johnson and Andre Johnson.

I love Kellen Moore's insane accuracy.

I love players diving for throws that are intentionally out of bounds and tipping them to teammates for INTs.

I love Wisconsin and Oregon putting on 50+ on almost everyone they play and I am kind of sad they won't play in the Rose Bowl against one another.

I love Tim Tebow and miss him.

I love going to a college football game. If any one tries to tell me going to an NFL game is a better experience then I will just leave the conversation.

I love that every year a small school will upset a powerhouse and for those kids it will be the high point of their athletic careers.

Mostly I love football and getting a few more hours of it every week, well that's not a bad thing.

A Heart Divided

2010-10-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

"Thats why you don't do fantasy football"- Joe Friscia every week of the 2009 football season. He would probably repeat it this year but he apparently doesn't like football anymore.

Contrary to the constant slandering by my girlfriend, I actually despise the Dallas Cowboys and their QB Tony Romo. I hate the Cowboys and hope they lose 16 games a year plus a few preseason contests just for good measure. However I love fantasy football and more so I love winning which has put me in quite a connundrum.

In my most expensive fantasy football league, Mike and I are a juggernaut. We are 6-1 and would be undefeated if David Akers wasn't a piece of shit. Our QB in that league? If you can't guess then please stop reading this blog and go throw yourself downa flight of steps.

For the first six weeks of the season Tony Romo was everything we could have asked for. He put up MONSTER fantasy numbers while systematically killing his team and causing them to lose almost every game. I loved it. You see every hard core fantasy player at one time or another has to make a decision. Do you let personal feelings and rooting interests affect your Fantasy team? I don't because of this conversation with my father at a young age*

Little Joe: But if you hate the Cowboys why did you pick them in your pool?
Dad: Because I don't hate money....

So every year I ineviatbly end up with a few Cowboys or Eagles on my teams and root that their individual success won't translate to actual football victories for their real teams. This year Tony Romo was the most perfect example in history of this.

Then Monday night happened. That dissastrous first quarter followed by the Giants just imposing their will on the overmatched Cowboys. Mike and I had already sealed up a win in the most dominating fashion I had ever seen.** Michael Boley blitzes, the Cowboys fullback was busy thinking about candy or rainbows or whatever else but deffinately not pass protection and he meandered out into the flat just in time to turn around and watch Michael Boley deliver a clean and perfect hit on the QB. Romo left the game injured.

Normally this would make me ecstaticly happy. I enjoyed every minute of the Giants defense hurting the quarterbacks of the Bears. However I am ashamed to admit my first reaction was "I hope he's alright". I really hoped he would miss the remainder of the game since I didn't need him this week and his absence would help the Giants win. But really I was worried. Then the news came out; broken collarbone, out 6-8 weeks. Basically the remainder of the fantasy season.

Now I am a Fan divided. Part of me is ecstatic that the Cowboys are destined to finish 3-13. However the part of me that "doesn't hate money" is wondering if Ryan Fitzpatrick is capable of delivering the same weekly fantasy goodness that Romo did. Only time will tell. Mike and I sat him down this week and told him "this is your team now son, they need to look into your eyes and see that you will lead them. You can do it*"

It feels dirty not being overjoyed. But like Frisc always says "Thats why you don't do fantasy football"

* This conversation could have taken place anytime between the ages of 10 and 19 and is being paraphrased here.
** We had more points going into Monday night despite only having 3 players play already including a kicker.
*** Conversation did not actually take place.

Sleeping with the Enemy

2010-09-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

The Braves manager Bobby Cox is retiring at the end of this season. Supposedly Billy Wagner and also Chipper Jones will retire as well. All three are long time tormentors of the Mets, albiet two externally and one internally. However despite all the ill will I once harbored towards all three and believe me it was enough to have the FBI secretly following me to make sure I didn't murder all three, I have found myself in an awkward position; I am rooting for them to win.

Say what you will about me, I am not trying to change anybody's mind here. If you are a spite full angry Met fan, I am not here to judge you or sway your opinion. Those men are responsible for alot of hurt in our life, I don't expect others to let go so easily.

But for me, well the ill will is gone, the anger subsided. I hate this current incarnation of the Phillies 10 times more than I ever hated the Braves. I look at teams like the Padres, Giants and Reds and find that I have trouble conjuring any emotions whatsoever. I will only root for them if it means the Phillies won't win. But the Braves, well call me sentimental, call me a softy but I wouldn't hate to see them go out on top. They were better than us for something like 75 straight years in the 90s and early 2000s. I don't know, maybe it's selfish, maybe I just want to know the team that the Mets could never top was better than one World Series title. Maybe their being better makes me feel better about the Mets' shortcomings.

Although maybe I've just gone soft in my old age or maybe every body does become a sympathetic figure once they are leaving. I'd like to think my change of heart is out of respect. They had our number for so long and now in Bobby Cox's last run his team has banded together and fought through a slew of injuries that a less resilient group would use as an excuse to give up. Then again maybe I'm just a sucker for a good baseball movie and this would be a terrific one.

Who is the worst?

2010-09-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

The women of Jersey Shore are the four most reprehensible human beings on the planet. This is unquestionable. However which one is truly the most awful? I can't think of anyone besides myself to answer such a question. Lets break this baby down...

Snooki-

In her defense she has only been about a quarter as much of a train wreck as she was in Season 1. She's DTF which makes her ok in my book. Frisc loves her so theres a 2% chance he meets her, wifes her and she is in my life forever, so I shouldn't say anything too bad about her.

However she advocated voting for Mccain because "he would never have allowed a tax on tanning", she says a minimum of one thing per episode that makes me wonder if she is retarded and she is may or may not be a lepprachaun. Her boyfriend was by all accounts a giant douchebag and yes she is guilty by association.

She was a part of the whole "letter writing" scandal which is equal parts stupidity and shadiness since both girls basically scummed their friend over so the boys in the house wouldn't shun them.

Further more every time she talks she sets the woman's rights movement back 10 years and at this point they are somewhere around 1 BC.

While she is DTF she has hooked up with two guys in the house and that is always a tricky situation (no pun intended). It can cause problems and her behavior in the jacuzzi with uncle Nino, Angelina and the volleyball* just shows that she is either a HUGE baby or is pandering to MTV for camera time by creating drama that isn't there.

Final Verdict: she is a truly awful human (sorry Frisc)

Sammi-

In her defense, she kicked J-woww's ass in the upset of the century. Also she isn't the first girl to get scummed over by a guy and her behavior in Season 1 is identical to alot of girls I know aka get boyfriend and disappear. She brought us the terrific phrase "nononononononono"

However to quote Bill Simmons "She is my least favorite character on any reality show I ever enjoyed". After two seasons I am literally more sick of watching her and Ronnie fight than I was of watching Pieters and Timmy fight back in the day. By all accounts Ronnie seems like an awesome dude to hang out with and she made him season one's most boring character.

She found out her boyfriend was cheating on her and GOT MAD AT THE PEOPLE WHO TOLD HER. That's the reaction of an insane person. She cries all the time and other than "nonononononono" and her fighting J-woww I can't name one other moment I have njoyed involving her.

Final Verdict- One of the worst people ever on TV including fictional characters made to be purely evil like Skeletor or Bill O'Reilly.

J-woww-

In her defense she seems to be the girl most other girls like on the show. She definitely watched herself in Season 1 and realized she looked like a train wreck and toned it down. "All I want to do is eat ham and drink water, ham pbbttt"

However she is constantly talking a big game about fighting but got whupped by Sammi. She cheated on her boyfriend in Season 1 multiple times with different guys in the house. She dresses like a meth addicted whore who happens to be color blind.

She was the leader of the whole letter writing incident which as I said before was quite possibly one of the shadiest and immature things I have ever seen.

She's been incredibly boring all of Season 2 after showing so much promise in Season 1 of being the biggest whore the world has ever known.

Final Verdict- A truly underrated horrible person, if I knew her in real life I would probably try to run her over with my car to make the world a better place.

Angelina-

In her defense. She's been at Pier 76, she's hooked up with Vinny and she has a truly mean nickname amongst all my friends who knew her in High School. I feel like I actually know her.

However to quote Matthew Berry "just a terrible horrible selfish human being"

And she is all of the above. She spent Season 1 cockblocking everyone for two episodes then left to fix her relationship with A MARRIED MAN. Jesus Christ I don't even have words for that lets move on.

The way she acted in Season 1 by not showing up to work and getting kicked out/leaving was easily the most immature thing I have ever seen.

By not sleeping with Jose this season who by all accounts is nothing but a stand up guy but then sleeping with Vinny who she clearly hates and who hates her back has once and all proven beyond a shadow of a doubt; treat a girl like shit and they will love you, treat them well and they will play you." Congrats Angelina you have ruined any chance of any guy being nice to a girl they like ever again.

She is clearly a giant phony whose only goal in Season 2 is to be Switzerland and have nobody hate her while still be able to talk shit and cause drama behind the scenes all the while trying to drive up her appearance fees to over $75.

"I'm a bartender, I like do great things" She bartended at Outback steakhouse!

Her name is actually Angela, why the fuck don't we call her that?

Final Verdict- Possibly the worst person in the history of mankind but I haven't done the proper research so I will have to safely put her top five.

So there you have it, Angelina is the most reprehnsible of the four but not by much. Thank you Angelina for once again proving that Staten Island can only be famous for being infamous.

Enough is Enough

2010-08-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

Rule # 76 clearly states "No Excuses, Play Like a Champion"

It's obvious my favorite team* never got up to rule 76. The Mets always have an excuse. It's always injuries or the ballpark or Jerry's fault or off field distractions, enough already. It's now been four years since the Mets last made the playoffs, four years since Endy's catch, four years since Carlos Beltran acted like he had never seen a curveball before. In that time we have been subjected to a plethora of excuses.

It's been a litany of reasons why things didn't work out. Well, you know what? I am tired of it. Injuries? Look at the fucken Phillies this year. Utley, Howard, Victorino, Rollins and both their shitty closers all missed significant time this year. Did they use that as an excuse to fold up the season and say "It's not our year, better luck in 2011?' No, they fucken grinded it out and won baseball games. They currently lead the N.L. Wild Card race. The Mets blame injuries for lack of success when maybe their only deficient body part is a lack of heart.

It's the ball park they say. That's why David Wright struggled last year and why Jason Bay most closely resembled a corpse this year. How about another example from the Phillies? Roy Halladay just moved into the world's worst pitchers park. By my own scientific estimates** Citizens Bank is approximately 234 feet to dead center field with a jet stream that carries any ball hit into the air into the upper deck. Have we heard complaint one from Big Roy? No, because he's not a whiny baby, he goes out and does his job and wins fucken ball games.

So who do we blame for the last four years of misery? I'm glad you asked. I think blame can be assigned to two groups of people.

First off, the players. $500 million plus over the last four years in payroll. This group has not earned their money in any ay shape or form. They consistently under perform, have trouble staying on the field and I can honestly say have all the grit and determination of the Real Housewives of Atlanta***. Just once I'd like to see somebody step up and say "this is unacceptable, I take the blame for this". Injuries or no injuries, the Mets have had rosters of 25 major league players and those 25 have by all measures underperformed.

Group number two in this blame game is management. I'm talking Fred Wilpon on down to the 3rd base coach. This is a poorly constructed team and has been for years. The Minaya era has produced two above average players developed from within; Pelfrey and Ike. This is unnacceptable when considering during the same time the Red Sox have produced, John Lester, Bucholz, Pedroia, Ellsbury and Bard just to name a few.

You can't blame them for not spending money however how that money is spent has been an exercise in poor judgement. $50 million for 1.5 good seasons of Pedro, Luis Castillo for 4 years when he was actually decaying at second base the year they signed him, $70 million plus on total contracts for closers who were already past the amount of use where a player in that position usually breaks down. I haven't even brought up Ollie yet. Maybe the players aren't getting the job done but somebody is responsible for fielding 4 consecutive teams of guys with the same problems and the same deficiencies.

Lastly I blame myself and every other Met fan. We have put up with this for too long. After 2008 I swore off the Mets and all it took was a shiny new stadium to lure me back in. I tempered my expectations all of 2010, right until the All-Star break where I let a glimmer of hope set in, a glimmer that the Mets promptly shit on losing something like 19 of their first 17 games post ASB****. Like a battered spouse, we make excuses for them. We swear this time will be different and all the problems have been fixed. But they never are. I'm not advocating leaving the Mets, lord knows I've tried many times, but somebody must be held accountable. This pattern of heartbreaking losses and poorly constructed teams that don't seem to give enough of a shit has to end now.

The winter of 2006 I spent as the world's most optimistic baseball fan. I was entirely confident my team was just a few breaks away from winning a World Series title. Now four years later I realize you make your own breaks in this world, I'm hoping the Mets learn this before they waste any more years of my life.

* The Mets are clearly my favorite team. I would pick a Mets world series over a championship from any of my other favorite teams in any other sport.

** In no way scientifically proven.

*** I don't know this for sure but the RHOA don't seem like the type of ladies who would slide hard to break up a double play. I could be wrong.

****Mathematical impossibility I realize but it SEEMED that bad.

Is a Good Blow Job all Tiger Woods needs?

2010-08-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods just finished his worst tournament as a professional golfer. He finished second to last in a tournament he has won on multiple occasions. Watching the highlights you see a man beaten and battered. He missed putt after putt and hit shot after shot astray. Worst of all was his body language. Old Tiger would stare down bad drives, almost willing them to kick back into the fairway. This version would hit an errant shot and be literally too dejected to watch it. His shoulders seemed constantly slumped after each missed putt. It was depressing.

This is a man who wore down his opponents with a machine like precision. He was easily the most dominant athlete of my lifetime in a sport that humbles even the best. All the norms of golf were challenged. We were ready to hand him the title of G.O.A.T, all he had to do was stay alive and moderately healthy and he would shatter Nicklaus' major records mark and nearly every other relevant golf record in history. But health is a funny thing, espescially in golf. His body has stayed fit but his mental health has failed him.

Documentaries like Troy, Revenge of the Sith and Superman 2 have proven women ruin everything. They are at least partially responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened and now they are responsible for ruining the best golfer of all time. His body language and facial expressions remind every guy of that friend they have had; that friend that just needs to get his dick wet.

Tiger needs an honest to goodness, balls cupped, slob knobbing three quarters of the way down the throat B.J. Here is a man who probably fucked after every big tournament round win or lose for the last few years and now he is reduced to going home, microwaving a dinner and jerking off to broadband speed internet porn. Take it from a guy who has been there, sometimes a good blow job really is all you need. But he can't do that. Elin and the media have his balls in a vice grip and he is reduced to sound bites about how much he loves his kids and how golf isn't as important and how sex is an addiction he is working to overcome.

Now I am not literally saying that a blow job will make Tiger the world's best golfer again. Actually that is exactly what I am saying but it is part metaphor part literal interpretation. For Tiger a blow job isn't just a way to get off, it is a return to normalcy. It is not just the best ten minutes of his day, it's a chance to get his life back. It represents his old self, a self he misses, the self that was the world's best golfer and some one who fucked on the regular. Now maybe those two things don't get hand in hand but it sure looks like they do.

A blow job for Tiger means his life is back to normal, his kids are at his house where he can see them whenever he wants. His smoking hot wife is at home, not cooking or cleaning cause they are fucken rich and rich wives don't do that shit. A blow job means he is back to slamming Hooter's waitresses in a Motel 6 after shooting a 67 and before going home to his family.

But Tiger can't have a blowjob. If he gets one from some two bit whore, she will inevitably call TMZ and he can't risk having that come up and further ruin his image. So he will go home and jerk off like the rest of us and like the rest of us dream about fucking the girls that HE used to fuck. And then he will play less than stellar golf. It's kind of sad Tiger is just like the rest of us.

Recomending 2 things you should consume

2010-07-29T07:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about humans, me in particular that causes them to want everyone else to like what they like. On a selfless level maybe we just want to make other people happy by turning them on to the same stuff that makes us happy. On a selfish level, I like to talk about pop culture stuff and if other people can discuss it with me then it will make me happy.

"When I read reviews of albums I find I learn more about the reviewer than the album itself"- Chuck Klosterman.

Chuck Klosterman is probably my favorite writer. He muses about pop culture and sports in a witty manner. For all intents and purposes he is a much smarter, funnier version of me with a bigger beard. If he wanted to he could steal my girlfriend from me without really trying and if I was honest I probably wouldn't be that mad because that's an obvious upgrade like Lebron going from winters in Ohio to winters in Miami.

I don't know what liking Chuck says about me but it certainly doesn't make me cool. By the time I jumped on the bandwagon he had released three books, had one of his books mentioned on the incredibly ridiculous T.V show the O.C and been pimped hard by Bill Simmons on ESPN.com. It's a lock that once something ceases to be cool I will start liking it, or maybe the other way around.

Justin Perez was already on the bandwagon and years away from raising his hand at a Chuck reading at B+N, stumbling through a long winded non question and finally asking "Can you talk about Weezer?'. I got Drinkwater in because he loves music in a dorky way so C.K is right up his ally. Kara was easy to get, because she likes me and he is just a better version of me.

Lastly I got Sean on the bandwagon because A) he is kind of a hipster and B) to quote him "I'm mad he wrote this book before I had a chance to"

The aforementioned book is "Killing Yourself to Live" which is my all time favorite book. A book I owned a signed copy of and have read no less than 10 times. If you like music, girls who don't love you enough or road trips you will like this book. If none of those three things interest you then I don't know what to tell you.

Ranking his other books

Fargo Rock City- if you can get past the subject matter (Heavy metal) its a terrific read
Eating the Dinosaur- an essay about how football is a progressive liberal sport masquerading as a conservative one.
Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs- possibly the best titled book in the world with a killer first essay. It's all downhill after that.
Downtown Owl- a fiction novel that for all intents and purposes is better than Cocoa Puffs
CK IV- note worthy in no way shape or form

Transition to part 2 of this blog, Quote from Chuck listing the 10 most important nouns of the last 20 years.
The first episode of Freaks and Geeks (doomed TV show, 1999) This pilot's closing scene (set at the high school homecoming dance, featuring "Come Sail Away" by Styx) is better than 90 percent of what's been on network television since 1986.

Once again, I am years late on this one. The show was cool to like five years ago. Now it is reaching the rare so underrated its overrated status. Kind of like Joe Dumars. Truthfully a more apt comparison would be Bo Jackson, in both cases our memories romanticize something short lived that maybe wasn't all that great to begin with. Doesn't matter, reality is 90% perception.

The show aired for one season in 1999. It was created by Judd Apetow who if you are reading this blog is partly responsible for almost every comedic movie you've enjoyed for the last 6 years. My theory is that it came into the world too early. In 1999 we weren't ready for an hour long comedy that could only be described as awkward. Back then every comedy was still trying to rip off Friends which in retrospect would be like every girl trying to look like Kate Moss which also happened in the 90s.*

The show is incredibly awkward but in a funny way. I would even say it is more awkward than the Office if you are young enough to remember High School. If it was made now it would be an unrivaled hit. Awkward is in now. Super Bad was a hit. The Office is a hit. Heck people even liked Bored to Death and that is awkward without being funny.

Probably the most astonishing part of the show is the cast. Karen from the Office is in it for one episode so far. Sam Levine is a "that guy" in it. Ben Foster who played Archangel in the X-Men movie is in it as a retarded kid. The counselor is somebody who you will know right away. The main character was the guy in waiting who doesn't speak until the end.

However the part they nailed was "the freaks". Th three male roles are occupied by teenage Seth Rogan, Jason Segal and James Franco (playing stoned the entire time). I don't know how anyone who would pay $12 to see all three of those guys in a movie together (which is everyone reading this) wouldn't pay $30 to buy 18 episodes on DVD. It is actually fiscally irresponsible of you not to watch this show.

So yea read Chuck and watch this show... or don't. I'm tired of trying to make all your lives better.

* both Kate and Friends were thoroughly mediocre and highly overrated.

The True Definition of a Guilty Pleasure

2010-07-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

Most people use the term guilty pleasure to describe things they are embarrassed about actually liking. Reality T.V shows being a prime example. However nobody truly feels guilty about liking these things. A true guilty pleasure would be something that actually made you feel bad but you did anyway; like paying for sex or laughing at two handicap people doing an obstacle course.
However with the most recent news of the cast of "Jersey Shore" going on strike the reality show has truly become a guilty pleasure for me and leaves me torn with 9 days before the premiere.

Let me be clear, I loved the first season and probably spent more time discussing it than any other person with an I.Q over 100. It even came up on a job interview. I was lukewarm on Season 2 until I seen the trailer and got giddy like an 8 year old at 7 a.m Christmas morning. However, upon hearing the news that the cast was "on strike" until they received $30k per episode for Season 3 I reacted the same way the old guy acted in Jurrassic Park after the dinosaurs got loose; "What have I done?"

I am legitimately torn here with a moral dilemma. On the one hand I can follow the Mike Williamson stream of logic and it is a solid one; "They are going to get $30k whether you watch or not". On the other hand I don't think I can support this. This is truly a sad moratorium of our society to think these 7 jackasses and Lil Vinny are making that much money for being douchebags.

"Makes me sick motherfucka how far we done fell"- Bunk Moreland

Those are my feelings exactly. I don't know if I want to wake up and know that even in the smallest way that I contributed to this. It's appalling and the only question is whether or not I want to boycott out of sheer principal. Because that's all it would be is out of principal. Nothing will change except that I will be able to hold my head up and say "No mas, I refuse to support this parasite on society that is Jersey Shore"

Let me be clear on a few things. I place a very minute percent of the blame on the cast. They are being smart, getting the most money while they can. This gravy train isn't going forever. I place a larger but still small amount of the blame on MTV. The network that used to lay claim to being the voice of youth is now just a shining example of everything that is wrong with society. However they are ultimately they are a corporation and corporations exist to make money and that is all they are trying to do. I think they could easily find 8 new douchebags and ratings would stay the same and we would forget about the original cast much the same way we forgot about every Real World member, every Survivor contestant, all the Flavor of Love girls and the Osbournes.

However ultimately the real blame lies with us. Everyone of us who watches this show because we like to laugh at these people. We are the reason they can go on strike from doing nothing (isn't that an oxymoron?) and demand such a ridiculous sum of money. If we don't watch they cease to exist and while the world is still a shitty place overall, it's not the type of shitty where Snookie and the Situation make more than 99% of America.

People I hate and a meager attempt to quantify how much

2010-07-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

The following is a list of people I hate divided into one of 5 levels. Two prefaces before I start.

1. This is a superficial list, obviously Osama Bin laden, child molesters and hard core Republicans* are on much higher level than anyone listed here.
2. I'm sure I forgot a whole bunch and will randomly update as I think of them.

LEVEL 1.- People who annoy me-

People who drive slow in the left lane of highways, people who take too long to order at D+D, people who don't know how to park, most Yankee fans, most Red Sox fans, hicks, people from Long Island, people who "like" too much shit on Facebook, people who put up pictures of their wedding and/or kid on Facebook, people who claim not to watch T.V, people who wear Yankee stuff to Met games when the Yankees aren't playing, people who wear jerseys of other sports to baseball games, Ricky.

Level 2- people I genuinely dislike-

Anybody who leans in beer pong, opposing fans who go to baseball games looking to get into a fight, cops, girls who routinely date scumbags but cry "why can't I find a good guy", my old bosses at Ai, anybody who ever raised their hand to tell a story during an Ai Tuesday meeting, Ohio St, overly religious people who want you to know you are going to hell, Bill Plastke, 90% of guys in a fraternity, Sean.

Level 3- True Hatred-

Jay Mariotti, most politicians regardless of party affliction, 99% of people wearing Affliction shirts, people who skip songs on a jukebox to play their own shitty songs, "those guys", whoever goes to a bar because the Jersey Shore cast is there, my senior year English Teacher, that guy who sat in the back with Frank at Ai whose name I can't recall, the old guy here at work, girls who have huge egos even though they are thoroughly mediocre looking, anyone over the age of 18 who likes Twilight, Jimmy Rollins, poor people too stupid to not vote Republican.

Level 4- wish death upon them.

BP Oil execs, people who wouldn't kill an animal to save a human life, whoever invented pop up ads, anybody who makes a computer virus that wasn't in the movie Hackers, the asshole who eventually makes Killing Yourself to Live into a shitty movie, Veronica's BFF, Scott Speizio.

Level 5- Wish a PAINFULL death upon them

Shaun Alexander, anybody who maintains the Holocaust "never happened, people who claim they "hate shady people", truly shady people, Phillies fans.

* I'm kidding I obviously don't equate Republicans with pure evil.

Lebron's 1 hour special is YOUR fault

2010-07-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

You would have to live under a rock to not be aware of the current Lebron James free agency situation. If you follow sports at all, have access to the internet, buy the newspaper once a week or even just happen to pick it up at the store with no intention of purchasing it then you are aware Lebron James is a free agent who will be deciding on a team soon. This shit is like Brett Favre retirement news times ten.

I want to blame ESPN but this shit isn't their fault. CBS Sportsline and Yahoo and SI.com and every other sports website have reported this story just as much. It would be easy to blame the media except that would be unfair. It's not their fault, it's ours. I heard a stat that the average Brett Favre segment last year on Sports Center drew 8Xs more viewers than a normal Sports Center segment. I imagine it is the same thing with Lebron. Basically the media is saying "we wouldn't give it to you so much except you clearly want it."

Now granted ESPN has been playing up the big market angle on this by unfairly giving New York fans a glimmer of hope and showing the myriad of ways that it is possible for the Knicks to land Lebron and a few other pieces that would give them a championship caliber team. Here's the thing, all the scenarios they show while possible are unlikely. The Knicks would not even be in the discussion here if the media did not prey on the hopes of the world's largest basketball fan base.

This has been a story I have followed for 2 years almost now. I probably cared more about the NBA off season than I did about the 2009-2010 NBA actual season. I have read, dissected, heard every possible rumor and angle for the last 18 months. My friends and I spent at least 30+ hours discussing this and that is by any measure a conservative estimate. There was a secret "lets all play together pact in China"? What does that mean? Lebron's press conference is being held 15 minutes from the Knicks practice facility? It must mean he is coming here. The after party is in South Beach? He's going to Miami...

Here's the problem, it's all been speculation. All I have are second hand stories and anecdotes that are impossible to interpret. Wayyyyy too many media people have reported information that isn't even information, just opinions of other people. Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one. The truth is, nobody knows anything, but that hasn't stopped the onslaught of "breaking news" that is nothing more than pure speculation.

Twitter is not a legitimate source for news. TMZ should not be breaking stories that are re-reported by legitimate news outlets. There was a time in this country where "news" had to have a legitimate source and a backup confirmation to be reported. Now, if World Wide Wesley's barber tweets something it is considered breaking news. Here's the God's honest truth about the situation.

Lebron is the most guarded public athlete since Tiger pre-Thanksgiving 2009. What do we really know about the guy? We know he's a skilled basketball player who has dreams of being a billionaire global icon and is from Akron Ohio and is friends with Dwayne Wade, Chris Paul and Chris Bosh. Oh he also likes the Yankees and wears Yankee hats sometimes. That's really it. However people have taken whichever bits of the above information they choose to make a declarative statement about the intention's of a young man they have probably never even met and if they have met have probably never spent more than 25 minutes talking to.

Bill Simmons wrote a great column a few months ago about "Lebron's choice" and how if loyalty was important to him he'd stay in Cleveland and if winning was important than he would go to Chicago and if becoming historic was important to him than he'd come to NY. Here's the best part of the article, we DON'T KNOW which of those 3 is most important to him.

So really we have nobody to blame but ourselves for this Lebron-mania. We the public clamored for this information and the media grasped at whatever straws they could to feed it to us, regardless of the validity of it. We are responsible for this world of 24 hour sports news cycles, multiple ESPN's and instant gratification for any sports related story.

Sometime after 9 PM EST tonight we will have our conclusion to this ongoing saga. Lebron will announce his team, a minimum of 3 other fan bases will boo him every time he enters their arena and his new team will have a target on their back all season. Most importantly we can finally start focusing on people playing basketball as opposed to talking about people who play basketball.

Dear Met Fans.... Please stop doing the wave

2010-06-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

I have come to terms that around the 5th or 6th inning of every Met game I attend, some idiot in a wife beater with a tribal band tattoo and a backwards cap who has had one too many alcoholic beverages will get out of his seat stand in the middle of an aisle and try to get everyone to start a "Wave". In an unrelated note I am fairly certain this guy was in a fraternity, likes Dave Matthews and can't tell you the score of the game he is attending.

I obviously hate this guy, I yell as loud as I can at him to sit down and when he is successful which he almost always is, I shoot everybody in my section who stands up a dirty look. However I am powerless to stop it. The Wave is a plague on our society, an idiotic occurrence that appeals to only the simplest minded of people. I liked the wave once, then I turned five years old and I realized better. No self respecting adult should be doing the wave.

It takes away from the game. There's nothing worse than watching a Met game when something inevitably goes wrong and 5 seconds later you hear the crowd cheer. Why are they cheering? Did a call get overturned? Are they showing Tom Seaver on the scoreboard? No, its because the Wave has managed to make it all the way around the stadium thus proving that stupid people sit in all kinds of seats.

We are better than that. Mets fan claim to be "better" fans. We aren't the front running, holier than thou jerks in the Bronx. We aren't those classless suddenly pompous hicks from Philly. No, we consider ourselves a more pure breed. Well, lets act like it.

Now if you are reading this chances are you either know me and would never do a Wave for fear of the retribution I would inflict or you are a serious baseball fan who cares more about whats happening on the field than in the stands (unless there's a fight, that's always riveting).

However just not doing the Wave isn't enough. You have to insist, borderline threaten anybody with you that if they do the Wave you will have to shun them for an extended period of time. If you are really serious you can even yell at people you don't know for doing the Wave. It doesn't make you a bad person, remember they are bad people for doing the Wave.

So please, Met fans everywhere. I implore you, lets put an end to the nonsense that is the Wave. Lets do something shocking and make going to a baseball game about the game itself......well, that and the food.

Losing is for Losers

2010-06-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Show me a good loser and I will show you a loser- Vince Lombardi

I just played 46 minutes of physical, intense high drama basketball. It took me 4 minutes to get up my stairs. When my mom asked me what hurt I pointed to 6 different parts of my body. I missed 5 free throws in the game and THAT is all i can think about. My body hates me, is borderline rejecting fluids, I almost collapsed on the court and all I can think about are those free throws.

I leave for an awesome trip with my girlfriend and 12 of my closest friends in 20 hours. I haven't packed yet and all I can think about are those free throws. I hit a game tying shot in one overtime and had about 5 different offensive rebounds that borderline saved the game but all I can think about are those free throws....

This wasn't a proffessional league. This was a weekly men's league regular season game on the worst indoor court in America; and all I can think about is free throws.

Anybody who knows me knows how competitive I am. I hate losing more than I like winning if that makes any sense. I punch walls after missed beer pong shots, shoot teammates dirty looks after stupid plays and sit in silence with my hood on when I lose a big poker hand. But this applies to EVERYTHING. Kara laughs when picking rocks out of the garden turns into a competition between me and my dad over who can throw more into a bucket. I claim to be the worlds best at throwing shit into other shit and will accept all challengers.

Amazingly enough I have gotten better. I punch walls less frequently and only tried to walk home from a bar once in the last 12 months after a loss. When I was a kid I used to cry over bad calls in tee-ball. They weren't even keeping score.

I realize I shouldn't be like this. I am a fucken adult for God's sake. My behavior is often childish and inappropriate and when it is I try to apologize. But I will never change and I don't want to. Perspective? Fuck perspective.

The object of any competition is to win. There are exceptions like when you are playing with a child and are trying to teach them or keep them happy. However any competition between two or more evenly matched teams the goal is to win. If you don't care about winning then why the fuck are you playing? To have fun? Losing isn't fun. How is not caring about winning fun?

I hate those people who claim things are just a game. I firmly 100% believe that people who don't care if they win or lose lose more often than not. That defeats the whole purpose of competition.

I'm not saying losing should affect anyone the way it affects me. It's unhealthy. I don't even enjoy winning as much as I HATE losing. I won 6 games of beer pong from 4-6 am on Friday and $70. I was on fire and had more fun than I've had in a long time. Comparatively it wasn't as good as the bad is right now. I know that makes no sense to most people and defies the laws of equilibrium but trust me. I merely play everything to avoid the absence of the sinking empty losing feeling

Is it unhealthy? yes. Is it socially awkward? yes. But nobody who is ever on my team in anything will ever have to worry about being shortchanged. Give me a team of people who hate losing against a more talented team of people who don't give a fuck any day of the week. Because I know that they will do anything to avoid that terrible feeling.

Those fucken free throws....

We're taking over...

2010-06-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

Dealer: [while being thrown in the police truck] Hey, we in America!

Officer: Nuh-uh, West Baltimore.

with that being said

FUCK IT

I'm not missing this trip

I'M COMING WITH

-Mike Williamson

If anymore people come with us Baltimore will have its first sellout all season- Me

You can't force it, that's what I always say. Great nights have to be organic, come about naturally. That's what happened here. Four months ago Kara got me tickets to Mets Orioles on June 12th. She informed me that Paul and Frisc were in for the trip no matter what and we could invite whoever we so pleased. About a month ago a Facebook invite went out and the guest list included 7. It promised to be a nice little trip.

Then "word of mouth" happened. "Come to Baltimore" they said. "We are going to do crab legs and soccer games and take over Camden Yards and take corners from Marlo". Boom 8 people, then 9 then 11 and finally at last count 14.

Fourteen people taking 3 cars down to America's favorite drug infested city to watch 2 baseball games, eat crab legs and cheer for USA in soccer. The number however isn't as important as the participants.

Kara Corrente- Joe Girardi, our fearless leader, the organizer. Really Billy Beaneesqe with her acquisitions. The one person in charge of making sure 11 other people stay alive.

Dennis Hyer- Johnny Damon, great clubhouse guy

Joe Friscia- Cliff Floyd. You just KNOW he has the biggest dick on the team.

Michael Desisto- Ryan Howard, a franchise player with lots of power

Will Coriel- David Price, once a hotshot prospect, now settling into his role as a dependable every 5th day guy.

Richard Reda- David Eckstein- scrappy

Anthony Mio- Chipper Jones, a franchise guy on the downside of his career looking to turn back the clock one more time

Justin Perez- Olliver Perez circa 2007 because they are both Mexican and you have no clue what you will get from them.

Loyd Stevens- Ben Zobrist, a team player who is simply put a "winner" and adds new dimensions.

Sean Sallee- Jeff Francour- streaky doesn't begin to describe him. Plus they are both French

Mike Williamson- Netali Feliz- a flame throwing 8th inning guy who is really just a luxury on a roster this loaded but you don't turn down a chance to get a guy like that

Kevin Furman- Carl Crawford. A speedy superstar who is about to be paid.

Lauren Rimler- Fernando Tatis. The 25th man on the roster.

Joe Bisceglie- Jamie Moyer, cuz he's old.

Now what? Who knows? The ceiling is officially removed for this trip. Vegas took the odds for somebody getting arrested off the board.

30 for 30: A lesson in documentary filmmaking

2010-06-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

ESPN is currently running a series of documentaries about different sports stories called 30 for 30. I can't stress how awesome they have been so far. They for the most part have been a clinic in how to do a sports documentary. The stories are interesting and well thought out and mostly original. They didn't go after 30 cliched and tired story lines. In fact they went out of their way to pick 30 "under-reported" topics from the last 30 years. They also made sure to give the filmmakers complete control, something each director raved about.

Two recent ones really stuck out to me, for opposite reasons. One is everything I want from a documentary and the perfect example of what happens when you give a filmmaker complete autonomy and allow him/her to tell their story. The other shows exactly why certain people should not be given artistic freedom and is a shining example to film students for the next 20 years on how not to make a documentary.

Run Ricky Run was done by Sean Pamphilon. He was allowed basically unprecedented access to Ricky Williams' life for approximately 5 years. The story has a nice arc to it; Ricky's immediate fame and expectations, the downfall of his football career, the personal growth he went through and then basically a happy ending where Ricky is a better person and football player at the end. ALL documentaries obviously have an angle and it is clear from the beginning that Pamphilon considers Ricky a friend and wants people to like Ricky. However he pulls no punches. All of Ricky's faults are broadcast to the world. His access to Ricky and his close friends and family allows for a unique take on a man. Those closest to him tell a fair story of a man who has had a very unique life. Basically it tells a story, with both the good and bad and allows the viewer to make their own decision about the subject based on what they have just watched.

Straight outta L.A by Ice Cube takes a completely different approach. Ice Cube takes a thinly veiled premise that a connection between the L.A Raiders and N.W.A existed and forces you to buy it without really giving any reason why. The story then deviates into about 100 other topics leaving you to wonder "What is this really about"?

Lets go through the various ways Ice Cube showed he is not quite ready for full artistic control. This is his 2nd directing opportunity, the first being 1998's 'The Players Club", a project he obviously didn't write and starred in so I can probably be certain the term director was used loosely there. First off it's Ice Cube telling the story about Ice Cube and his rap group and his childhood love affair of the Raiders. Just armed with this information we can probably guess this will be quite self serving and it is. The hyperbole surrounding how N.W.A is presented in the movie gets a little out of hand. At one point I think they are even referred to as "The Beatles of Rap". Come on....

The scenes with Snoop Dogg are completely ridiculous and serve no purpose other than to have Snoop in the film. They add nothing but that is right in line with the rest of the film. The biggest issue is the lack of a thru-line in the film. Nothing holds together the film, many scenes seemingly have nothing to do with one another. If anything Ice Cube got too ambitious. He tries to tell the story of the Raiders in L.A, N.W.A, his personal connection to the Raiders, let Snoop Dogg say nonsense for 5 minutes and included a few minutes on the L.A riots of the 90s. Wayyy too many topics to sufficiently touch on each in less than 50 minutes. Really what he should have been doing was selling me on his original premise; there was a connection between the Raiders and N.W.A.

As far as I could tell the connection between N.W.A and the Raiders was that Ice Cube liked the Raiders as a kid and he was in N.W.A and that N.W.A liked to wear Raiders apparel because it looked scary. That's it. The film even seemingly lies about the timeline insinuating that the Raiders and N.W.A enjoyed success at the same time. Straight out of Compton was released in 1989, a year that the film points out was during a down period for the Raiders. By 1994 they were back in Oakland. The Raiders were NEVER good during N.W.A's reign and attendance plummeted. This fact is glossed over because it goes against the central theme of the film.

Any aspiring filmmaker can learn a valuable lesson here. Pamphilon succeeded where Cube failed because he kept the film moving in one general direction and allowed viewers to make judgments based on what they seen. His film took an interesting story, presented it concisely and as unbiased as possible and allowed you to enjoy it based on it's own merits.

Ice Cube tried too hard to force a premise that might have never existed, tried to tell too many secondary stories and ultimately ended up making quite possibly the most annoying 48 minutes of T.V I have watched in a long time.

Repost of one of my all time Fav stories

2010-06-03T14:07:00.000-07:00

Once and for all, the recounting of the time I punched Weezer in the face
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Let me start with a few disclaimers. I realize my friends and I are complete assholes and this story isn't something to be proud of. However I'm tired of retelling it and now when people ask me what happened, i can just say go to ww.myspace.com/joe'sblog and read all about it.(not a real website)

On Friday December 22nd a large group of people I am friends with went to the city to celebrate the day of birth of one Micheal J. Williamson. We drank at a socially unacceptable rate for a few hours at Mcfaddens. the short girl on the left in the picture below acts as our "host" and entertains us for a while with her drunken antics.

We then left and tried to go to another bar, this didn't work for some reason (Anthony Pieters) and we decided to go to Biddy's for the remainder of the night.

Now Biddys has changed dramatically since the time we frequented it often. It used to be that only 20 or so people were there and we knew 12 of them. However recently their patrons have increased and mostly include gay looking downtown hipsters who either think that bar is cool because no one knows it or they just don't know any better to go somewhere else. These people kind of bother us because, well Biddy's was our's first and if you know my friends, you know these are not the type of people we get along with.

Now on the way to Biddy's my good friend Anthony Mio, decided to issue a drunken challenge. Himself and Paul Hyer against me and Joe Friscia in a good old game of beer pong. We decided to take him up on the challenge but when we get there (after saying hello to Dave of course) we discover both downstairs beer pong tables are full with lines to boot. The upstairs table is about to open up, we can play this guy and his girlfriend, we just have to buy a pitcher for the table. We accept and proceed to play them in beer pong.

Now as we start playing, Anthony and Paul call next, with the logic being that if we win then we can play them in the challenge game that led to all this. Mike Williamson calls next and we have an acceptable line. We proceed to eek out a win against house guy and his girlfriend. After its done some kid who resembled Rivers Cuomo from Weezer

comes and puts a pitcher on the table and declares that he has next. We try to explain to him that no he in fact doesn't but he for some reason decides to tell us we are incorrect and that he comes here all the time and he's playing. We even ask the house guy who we just beat if he heard him call next and he doesn't remember either. Finally we convince gay emo boy to let Anthony and Paul play and he can play the next game.

He decides to sit and watch and make fun of us the entire time. Obviously his insults don't go unretaliated and we make fun of him for everything imaginable, plus Anthony is legitimately baiting him into a fight at this point. The game is of course highly contested and very close and this kid is pissing me off. Frisc convinces me not to fight him and we go on to defeat my cousin and Mio much to the kid's dismay because he wanted to play them to show Mio how much better he was than him.

Now heres where it gets fun.

I've already decided to call this kid Weezer and all my friends have followed suit. Weezer and his partner in a Bob Marley t-shirt pour their beer. We tell them they have to provide beer for us, in the form of 1/2 a pitcher as was the custom on this table when we started playing. They proceeded to tell us to fuck off and that they weren't getting us beer. We told them that we had done it when we came on, and that our last opponents ahd done the same. Weezer says "fuck you, I'm here all the time, get it straight". We say something else and then Weezer goes "Bert and Ernie, shut the fuck up.

This is when I go over and proceed to punch him in the face. A punch that Mike Williamson described as absolutely perfect square in the face and the loudest sound I've ever heard anyone's fist make on a head. Unfortunately he drops to the floor like a ton of bricks and I'm still in a punching mood so I punch his partner too. He doesn't go down as hard, more like wobbles back. Now in my head I'm like fuck, I'm getting kicked out, so I go outside before I get kicked out and yell to Paul to grab my coat. The bouncers kick most of my friends out as a result of this but I still don't have a coat.

I walk to the corner because I don't need the bouncers to decided to call the cops or anything. Now the kid in the Bob Marley shirt comes outside and proceeds to deck Mio who slips because its pouring rain and hit his head on the sidewalk. Sean sees this, takes a swing at the kid and he runs inside to hide before we can beat the fuck out of him. Mio is bleeding, cops come but nothing happens, they determine hes ok and leave. Mio remember none of it and I have to recant the story for him the next day.

Now there is much anger among my friends. Since there's about 8 of us, we decide to wait for this kid to come out in the pouring rain. Side note, someone has found my coat for me at this point. We split up, 3 of us at the north corner of the block and 3 of us at the south corner and one in a car across the street watching. Mio is resting in the car, unable to do much of anything. The kid and his friend comes outside, we walk towards him and they proceed to hide by the entrance, where they know the bouncers won't let us beat the fuck out of them. This is when we start to verbally berate them for a good 20 minutes. Even the bouncers were laughing including one reference to Carmelo Anthony ( for punching and running). They reason that its an unfair fight, 4 on 7. I offer to let them pick the 4 of us they wanna fight and the other 3 will stay out of it. We then have a discussion about the best method of picking who fights them, whether it was drawing straws or playing bubble gum bubble gum in a dish. The kid goes back inside and we continue to wait, not even mother nature and her pouring rain will keep us from getting what we feel is due justice.

During this time the Weezer kid, the original one who started the whole thing leaves the bar with some girl and gets in a cab. We pretty much leave him alone because he has already been dropped on his ass, nothing more than a few verbal abuses for looking funny. We wait patiently and then bamm the kids try to leave, there's a cab waiting right in front of the bar for them and they sprint from the door to the cab as we sprint from our cars to the cab. Sean and Kas grab the very last kid before he gets in the cab and pull him out and beat the shit out of him. The cab speeds away but stops at the corner so the other 3 can run back to save their friend. The bouncers come running in and break it up and now I'm pulling Kas away as they threaten to call the cops. We get everyone we know in one of 2 cars and proceed to follow the kid's cab.

One car is myself, Lauren, Jenn, Williamson and Frisc and the other has Paul, Kas, Sean, Keith and Mio. The other car gets lost following and when the cab stops to let them out, its just the 3 of us against these 4. For some reason they are still scared however and try to walk away. We throw a road cone at them and then they turn a corner. We decided to approach the corner slowly as to not get jumped and we look and see no one there, we are confused until we hear bottles smashing around us. They went up to their apartment and started throwing bottles at us. None hit us but one did hit 2 random black guys walking. Now 2 random black guys start throwing rocks at them along with us. They run back in their house and we throw some more rocks until their window is sufficiently broken to our liking.

We then get back in the car and drive home, the end of a very strange night. Two funny anecdotes, even though about 10 white kids are beating the fuck out of each other at one point, 2 bouncers decided that Keith, the only black kid is the biggest threat and hold him back.

Sean is like Brian Scalabrine, we make fun of him but his efforts often go unnoticed, he was one of only 2 people to actually hit the kid who hit Mio (The other was me but that was before he hit Mio).

The Closet

2010-06-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

This blog is about the closet upstate. It is not to be confused with me coming out of the closet or the wardrobe that leads to Narnia although one warm summer afternoon it was just as magical to 8 drunk idiots. No, this closet was filled with jerseys and other sports related clothing. For instance...

It had a child's size medium Chris Chelios Blackhawks jersey that only fit Mio because he was the only one small enough.

It had a David Cone button down Yankee t-shirt.

There was a UNC Tar Heels starter jacket.

There was a triple XL Mugsey Bogues Hornets jersey.

There was a men's size large WNBA Rebecca Lobo All-Star game jersey.

There was a Butch Huskey jacket... oh wait that's in Matt's closet.

There was a pair of the original Patrick Ewing sneakers

There was a Kevin Maas signed authentic Yankee jersey.

There was a Winnipeg Jets fitted hat.

There was a home white Homestead Grays jersey.

There was a t-shirt with a picture of Shawon Dunston

There was a Ron Dayne for Heisman T-shirt.

And an Onterrio Smith for Heisman T-shirt.

There was a Joey Harrington Lion's jersey. Oh wait that is in Pieter's closet...

and a Tree Rollins replica Knicks jersey.

No matter what closet I walk into for the rest of my life, nothing will ever top that one...

The Joe Gusto Corollary or how media technology is changing the way we drink.

2010-05-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

I studied media for 4 years in college and if I had been born 5 years later this may be something he would have written a paper anywhere from 10-40 pages about. However you will have to settle for a poorly spelled blog with no research.

In some circles (read college Communication classes and occasional shitty article in free newspapers written by former Comm. majors) there is constant discussion about "new media changing the way we live". This is almost undeniably true. Things like Tivo and smart phones and texting and wi-fi have changed the way we live and made it much easier and convenient for us to do shit we weren't even able to do 200 years ago.

For the purpose of this blog however I don't care about that shit. My focus is on how technology and social media specifically have changed the bar culture. If you wanted a catch phrase "Facebook changed the way we drink".

In Positive Ways

Meeting up. I have never gone out to bars in a world without cell phones. I have no idea how people did it. Basically if you were meeting somebody at a bar you needed to know EXACTLY how to get there or else you were walking around lost. Then if the bar is above average size you would need to do laps around the bar until your found your friends. Also, you must have know all details of the bar so there were no surprises when you arrived. Things like dress code, cover fee, guest list, all these must answers must be ascertained before you even left the house and before whomever you were meeting left their home.

Booty Calls. I cannot think of anything that has benefitted more from cell phones and text messaging than the "Booty Call". How did people even do this before cell phones? Did the booty call even exist? Now booty calls are not only more efficient they are are more casual. You can initiate conversation with a drunk non sexual text and go from there. Less hurt feelings, less degrading for the person being booty called, a win-win all around.

Pictures. This could actually be considered a negative but I am trying to avoid pessimism here. Technology now allows females* to take up to 100 pictures every night they go out and post these on Facebook and things of that ilk. This makes them happy and allows guys to see pictures of girls dressed like whores. It also has led to some females having over 1,000 Facebook pictures, a rather disturbing trend. Recently technology has gone even a step further. Blackberry users don't even need to wait until they get home. They can take a picture while at a bar and IMMEDIATELY put it on Facebook. This is incredibly annoying and self serving but none the less it is an option for those people who want it.

To build on the previous point is an example from a random Thursday night at Pier. The next day I was able to watch a You Tube clip of the funniest moment of the night when 2 crackheads danced with 3 of my friends and called them skinny man, medium man and big man. Take a moment to realize, I wasn't there that night, nobody told me this happened yet I was able to discuss this the next day with people who were there and people who hadn't heard about it alike. That is truly insane.

In Negative Ways

People so obsessed with their phones it seems they are on them >50% of the time they are out. This is what I call the Mike Williamson theory** for lack of a better term. Mike isn't the only person who does this and I am guilty as well however most people will agree Mike is a shining example of this. The social interaction of my generation has been stifled by technology. People have become so obsessed with their phones that even at the bar where they should be interacting with other humans they are busy texting somebody who isn't there, checking their email or playing brick-breaking. This is fucken retarded. I personally blame this for what I believe to be the decrease of random hookups at bars. People used to go to bars to meet new people and try to talk them into doing the no pants dance after they've had a few too many. Now if you see a girl standing alone at a bar she is inevitably on her phone thus making it impossible to strike up a conversation where she feigns interest long enough for you to buy her a drink.

In Monumental Ways

How we choose a bar. A long long time ago people attended the same bars as their friends through word of mouth or random coincidence. At the beginning of this century when I was attending college, bars got people to come by paying a promoter to hand out fliers and tell people that the bar will be "totally off the hook" and make up lies about drink specials that never existed. This has evolved. Joe Gustavino has taken the network he developed from his time as a promoter and turned it viral. Gusto does not need to leave his bed to alert over 1,200 people about whatever Pier 76 has going on that night. He can in theory do this from Pier 76 from his I-Phone. This is fucken amazing. Every week I get at least 2 texts and 2 Facebook invites from Gusto informing me about what is going on at Pier 76. Gusto has to spend exactly $0 on promoters, $0 on fliers and $0 on any other traditional form of advertising that bars used in the 80s and 90s. He has developed the ability to alert 1,200 people instantly about the advantages to coming to his bar on any given night and if merely 8% of these attend his bar will be at capacity that night.

Technology has made going out more convenient but one can argue it hasn't made it better. Going out to a bar used to be an escape from the rest of our lives, now it is merely an extension of everything else in our lives.

* Guys do not post pictures of their nights out and any guy with over 1,000 Facebook pictures needs to commit suicide immediately.

** Mike, save the complaints. I prefaced it with I do it too and almost everybody does it. You obviously do it the most, Kate non withstanding. And yes you are much better than you were circa 2008. I applaud you for that.

Why Robin Hood made me realize we must beat England in Soccer.

2010-05-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

First off, let me start this with a long preface. I like too many things. "Protect your obsessions" Kara once told me and I try and do that. So the Mets, Giants, football, baseball, my multiple fantasy teams in both those sports, poker, basketball, the NCAA tournament, pornography, beer pong, Kevin Smith, Chuck Klosterman, Bill Simmons, sleeping, PTI, Entourage and The Wire are all protected.

However there are many other things I enjoy that due to the time constraints of a traditional 168 hour week I am unable to throw myself into as much as possible. These include UFC, Madden, UNC basketball, NBA basketball, really any basketball that isn't St. Fagoli related, music, any other TV show I like, darts, golf and of course; soccer. I'd like more time to obsess over these things but the above 17 things and Kara and work take up about 160 hours every week.

However the World Cup is coming up and for that month I will be like every other unbearable, semi-pretentious white person you know and discuss soccer as if I actually give a fuck. Now to my credit I follow soccer on the internet and have even watched maybe an hour worth of games this year which means I now know more about soccer than I ever have.

This blog isn't about how soccer will take America by storm if the U.S manages to beat England or how the fate of the free world hangs in the balance of 22 men kicking a ball around a field.

No this is about Revenge, or better yet Redemption, or perhaps its Karma. Really it is just misguided comeuppance.

England sucks**. England has sucked for many many years, this is indisputable. They created vessels for the sole purpose of sailing to far away lands and taking over these places and basically enslaving these people. Then they got really pissed when the aforementioned enslaved people got pissed and wanted out of this one sided deal.

For those of you who sucked at Social Studies and/or Global in school, I am talking about Braveheart, The Patriot, Robin Hood and a host of other movies about people getting pissed off at England and starting a war over it. England has been a piece of shit for years and now we just forget about it because by all accounts they are the country most like us that isn't Canada*.

I say Fuck That! Make them pay for their years of colonization and tyranical rule over other countries. Millions killed, millions more basically enslaved, all because the English deemed themselves better than us. Well in the name of William Wallace lets kick their asses... on the soccer pitch.

You see, we won't invade England. As much as I want to that shit makes little to no sense. However revenge can be had at the World Cup. England fancies themselves as the sports inventors and a legit World Cup contender. It would be a crushing blow to lose to America and would definitely ruin their day, probably ruin their week and for a few misguided overly enthusiastic hooligans; ruin their year. This is your chance lads. The names Donovan and Howard and Altidore can ring out like the names Franklin and Jefferson and Washington (at least to overly insane bloggers like me) if you accomplish this. So do it for America, and Ireland and Scotland and most of Africa and every other country that was forced to live under the rule of the British Empire. Just remember boys; Fight and you may die. Run and you
will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now,
would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for
one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell
our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take
our freedom!"

** This can also apply to France, Portugal, Spain and a few other wealthy European countries that ran shit 600+ years ago. I am fine with hating any of them, they all suck too. However there are not enough movies about the tyranny of those countries so it is hard for me to get worked up about it

* Canada is absolutely the most like us. They speak the same language, have most of the same sports and their make up is most similar to that of the U.S.

My Cats push weight.

2010-05-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

My cats are running their own illegal drug ring. I don't know why I haven't realized this earlier. Kara thinks I'm insane but they can't fool me anymore. Now I'm not sure what they are slinging but I am fairly certain it is either crack rock or high potency catnip. What proof do I have?

1. They are from Marcy son. They grew up rolling dice with Ashy Larry.

2. We never know what they are doing. They are always running around like retarded kids who didn't take their Ritalin.
3. They have the perfect cover. Nobody thinks they are slinging rock since well they are cats and all.

4. My house is the perfect setup to run a drug ring. Clearly Veronica's now vacated room is the stash house and my room with the back door is the project towers.
5. They are sufficiently gangster enough to hold them corners down.

By now you see I have clearly figured this out and your only question is; whats the pecking order?. I'm glad you asked semi-retarded blog reader.

Bodie takes after her name sake. She's a hopper. This means she does all the hand to hand deals with the addicts. Anybody who has ever watched any kind of show about the drug trade knows that the big guys never do the grunt work, they got peoples for that. Bodie being new has that job right now.
Zeeba is a soldier. She is right below the big players in this gang. Mostly her job is for muscle, to take care of anyone threatening their "turf". She also delivers the package to Bodie so Bodie can sling it. Her ninja skills come in handy here. Keeping with the Wire comparison she would be Wee-Bay

Now Pot is the brains behind this shit. However she is not the face of the organization. She runs this shit but from afar. She is Stringer. She puts up the cover of not rolling with all these ghetto fucks but she's involved heavy.

That means Kettle is Avon Barksdale. It's her crew and she along with Pot are running this shit here. However her mantra is "I ain't no suit-wearin' businessman like you... you know I'm just a
gangsta I suppose". Kettle is definitely gangster as fuck. She will slap a bitch hard if need be. That's why I occasionally see her punking Bodie because I'm sure Bodie fucked up the count or something.

I'm glad we've now cleared that up. I don't know what to do to stop them. I might try to get a wiretap going in my room although that won't help much since they speak Cat. Maybe I will try a rip n run on Bodie and try to get her to snitch her way up the ladder.

Things Jerry Manuel might do to "Shake things up"

2010-05-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

3 Points before I begin

A. Thank you to Joe Friscia for the idea for this blog
B. This blog is a second cousin of the running Bisceglie joke "Decisions Joe Torre makes because he is old"
C. It doesn't count as writing about the Mets but if they lose 4 out of the next 5, blame me.

Rooting for the Mets mean's being subject to the managerial decisions of one Jerry A. Manuel. To say these decisions are perplexing is the understatement of the century. Jerry is an "old school" manager. This means he makes decisions with his gut and not to sound racist but I am fairly certain what is in his "gut" is a bunch of taco bell and Jose Cuervo. Anyway I personally interviewed Jerry and we went over some of his future plans for the team.

1. Make Jose Reyes Oliver Perez's personal catcher- (from Joe Friscia)

2. Pitch Fernando Nieve every day until the All Star break including off days where he sends him to Brooklyn to pitch for the Cyclones so he doesn't get "rusty"

3. Switch Jeff Francour to the 8th inning role after Nieve blows his arm out.

4. Bat Jason Bay leadoff, the pitcher 7th and Angel Pagan 9th.

5. Suggest to Johan Santana that he try throwing right-handed to "mix it up a bit"

6. Start a game with K-Rod.

7. Play Luis Castillo in centerfield to utilize his "speed"

8. Have sex with Mr. Met and get some "head".

9. Inquire about "that Strasburg kid" to see if the Mets can get him to pitch in the bullpen every single day.

10. Acquire Sandy Alomar Jr. as the teams 3rd catcher.

11. Start Daniel Murphy once he gets off the DL.

12. Send Ike Davis back down to Triple-A for "seasoning".

13. Hit and run with David Wright more.

14. Make Luis Castillo team Captain.

15. Suggest Rey Ordonez as team's hitting coach.

16. Demand the Mets trade for David Ortiz and then hit him 4th.

17. Introduce himself to Carlos Beltran.

18. Confirm the rumor that Henry Blanco has "killed a man" and then tell him he has a job for him.

19. Find a place to bury Gary Matthews Jr's body.

20. Make sure to hit Gary Matthews Jr. 5th the next day.

21. Get a Twitter page like Ozzie Guillen.

22. Change the teams post game spread to chilli cheese burritos.

23. Get contact lenses.

24. Ask Ike Davis about the rumor he knocked down old Shea with one swing of the Bat.

25. Take Jose Reyes out for Tequilla shots 3 hours before the first game against the Yankees to "loosen him up".

26. Tell Omar Minaya this team can't win a pennant until they get rid of all the "damm honkys"

27. Suggest to John Maine he work on his switch hitting.

28. Purchase "the Art of War" for Ollie because he heard Phil Jackson buys his player's books to inspire them.

29. Return the Art of War and get him "Green Eggs and Ham"

30. Hit Alex Cora 3rd because he has a "feeling" he's "due"

31. Pinch run Jose Reyes with Frank Catalanatto because "they'll never suspect it"

32. Kill David Wright's puppy to let him know you're serious.

33. Ask the Wilpons for a contract extension....

Things I implore you to start doing..

2010-05-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

..watch The Wire.

Let me start off with the usual prefaces.

This doesn't apply to Paul, P-West or Frisc all of whom have acquiesced to my pleas and all but one of whom are currently waiting for me to lend them season 1.

This also doesn't apply to Kara, Sean, Ron, hick Matt, Spanish Matt or Perez. They all watch the show and mostly feel the same way I do.

If you don't watch "dramas" and only watch TV to laugh then this also does not apply to you. This show is not Family Guy, Robot Chicken, Seinfield, The Office or anything like any of those shows. Those shows are all terrific but it's like comparing sushi to pizza. I like both equally but just because you like one doesn't mean you will like both.

Now, if you do watch any television shows that can be constituted as a "drama". For my purpose any show that cannot be constituted as a "comedy" is a drama. So if you ever got into Lost, Oz, 24, Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Breaking Bad, Sopranos, The Shield, NYPD Blue, Weeds or Mad Men then I am fairly confident you will enjoy this show.

Let me be clear. The Wire shares little to no similarities to most of the shows I just listed. However if you have the attention span to commit to an entire season of a show that has 40+ minute long episodes, then I highly doubt you will hate the Wire.

In fact I am almost certain you will love it. I have only met one person in my life who watched the entire first season who didn't LOVE it (and he is suspect anyway). Find somebody who has watched it and watch their eyes light up as they talk about it.

The show is smart. It is meticulously detailed. It is funny and heartwarming at times. Mostly it is heartbreaking. It lacks the traditional breakdown of "good" and "bad guys". It tells stories and allows you to make your own judgments without really trying to point you one way or another.

At it's core it is an inside look at the city of Baltimore. Specifically it centers around the drug trade and the narcotics and murder detectives trying to "stop" the drug trade. "Stop" being the operative word there since many of the characters come to realize that this "game" as they call it will never end.

Now many of you are probably saying "this subject matter doesn't interest me". Two things:

1) It doesn't matter what the subject is. If something is well made you should give it a try. I would watch a show about Phillie Fans and gay porn if it was made well enough.
2) You are an idiot.

Now that that's out of the way...

The first Season is about drug dealers and cops and each subsequent season focuses on the same thing and same people with a few notable additions and subtractions.

Season 2 adds the local union dock workers to the equation.
Season 3 focuses on politics as well.
Season 4 the school system and the kids.
Season 5, newspapers.

You HAVE to start watching at Season 1 because characters and plot lines are introduced that you need to be familiar with later. The thing that gets me about the show is the attention to detail. Nothing is ever done just to be done. Nothing is a throw away. This differs from pretty much every other show I have ever watched.

The other issue I have with most shows is what I call the "that shit would never happen" syndrome. I am willing to ignore certain basic unrealistic scenarios and premises but if too often something happens that makes me go "that shit would never happen!"; well then I am out.

That is what happened with Weeds. I invested myself into 13 episodes only to quit cold turkey in season 1 because too much shit was happening for absolutely no reason. Maybe the Wire spoiled me but I don't care. I don't apologize for suddenly holding shows to a higher standard. If a show can be 75% as good as the Wire it has me. Weeds couldn't even do that.

Some comparisons to other popular shows. Some of these are personal quotes and some are not.

It's Lost but without making you feel angry at the end of episodes.
If you took the 60 best Sopranos episodes and condensed them into 5 seasons that would be the Wire. Oh and there's no Dr. Melfi.
Its 10Xs more realistic than Friday Night Lights.
Its a smarter version of Oz without all the raping and gratuitous shots of guy's dicks.
It's what the Shield and NYPD Blue could have been had they not been on network TV.

The characters are flawed but likable. The most prevalent character is a cop named McNulty who can be best described as a narcissistic, alcoholic, infidelity challenged asshole who pisses everyone else off. He's also some one you root for time and time again.

The most popular character is a homosexual black man with a giant scar who robs drug dealers. His name is Omar and he is president Obama's favorite character on the show.

MULTIPLE drug dealers will die over the course of 60 episodes and you will feel SAD when it happens. You will get angry and curse David Simon and then instantly pop in another disc so you can finish the season.

Look, ultimately there is nothing I can tell you that will make you watch the show. Just know that it is now the barometer for how I measure everything else in my life not just television. For example eating sushi while getting blown by Megan Fox is 101% of The Wire. Replace Megan Fox with Anne Hathaway and it drops to only 90%. You get the idea.

Watch the show so we can discuss it. I personally rank the 4 seasons as follows

Four
One
Three
Two
Five

Seasons Four and One are solid A+s, Three and Two are A's and Five is an A-. Season 5 is the worst and it is better than every season of everything else except maybe Season 4 of Entourage and Season 1 of Californication and Season 2 of Simpsons.

Let me be clear about this. The first 4 seasons are my 4 favorite seasons of ANY TV show. I am not the only person who feels this way. If you never listen to anything else I advise, listen to this; watch The Wire. You won't be sorry, and if you don't like it, well to quote Sean Sallee "Your opinion is wrong and you suck at various different parts of life".

Why I hate Mike Williamson

2010-04-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

or I got 99 problems but Mike's a bitch.

1. "Your days of good blogging are behind you"- Mike

2. Despite making that statement, Mike could give me no advice on how to fix it or cite any examples as to why he made it.

3. Plus I'm not sure he can even read so he may just have liked the pictures better before.

4. Plus his shoulder hair looks like this

5. And he once threw himself a coming back party after a SELF-IMPOSED drinking hiatus.

6. This is like throwing yourself a welcome home party from a vacation.
7. Plus he loves truly awful girls sometimes.

8. Two words Oil Can

9.
10. He can't drink milk

11. He tells everyone he meets this fact

12. Conversely he also can't have milkshakes

13. Or Pizza

14. or Trident white gum.

15. Or icecream

16. or chocolate

17. or buffalo chicken rolls

18. Or fried Won tons from Ruby Tuesday

19. "He's a big faker, make sure you include that"- Veronica

20. He's mean.

21.
22. He is only good at pong when his BAC is .9 or higher.

23. "It's 7 am but I haven't gone to sleep yet. My hiatus doesn't start until I go to sleep"

24. He secretly loves this blog because he secretly loves attention.

25. He wears Yankee jerseys with the name on the back.

26. He isn't P-West

27. He's friends with Sean

28. " mike is the worst speller ever. He always spells taste with an 'i' and just spelled crazy with an 's'."- Veronica

29. We haven't gone to LBI yet this tear.

30-32- My surprise birthday 2009. He texts me 'i think he knows". He loses his keys/ipod. He yacks green in his mom's plant.

33. Patrick Ewing

34. Albert Pujols X2

35. He has 5 boyfriends

36. He whines.

37. He calls Bodie "Aids"

38. He wont ever go to AC with me anymore

39. But he will go on dates with his boyfriends

40. He can't eat Gouda

41. His dog's name is Patches

42. His dog's name is Margaret

43. He passes out at his kitchen table at 5 am while eating bacon and egg.

44. With No cheese

45. Suzanna Waldman is his celebrity crush.

46. He wore the coat briefly back in 2005.

47. He's addicted to BBM

48. And brickbreaker

49. 2008 on my birthday he yacked in a cooler which I had to clean up

50. He didn't drink this year on my bday breaking a 2 year streak of him yacking on my bday

51. I yacked on my bday, his fault

52. He got kicked out of his own cousin's bar.

53. He can't eat quaesidillas

54. He's not even interesting enough to come up with 45 more things....

New Paltz VS Lebron James: an exercise in hyperbole

2010-04-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

Lebron James is good at basketball related activities. This is an understatement. Along the same lines "Mike and Paul and Joe like to pretend they aren't old and drink in collegiate settings at above average rates."

Actual quotes about both. I will let you guess which one is which.

Chris Webber,who predicted that in three years, Bron-Bron's going to be trying to average a triple-double for a full season, toying with contemporary basketball constructs and post-pace-adjustment-era statistical models in the way that Dr. Manhattan just sort of thought it'd be interesting to create life on Mars. (OK, I added that last part.)

Unidentified source: "Ok but if I piss on her wall or yack on her carpet, all is forgiven"

Real Talk:

Lebron James has a chance to win an NBA title while averaging 30, 10 and 10 for the playoffs. This is literally unheard of.

New Paltz has a chance to be Penn State without Veronica yelling at us.

Exaggerations to make a point

Lebron James is like Jamal Ford circa 1997, playing with 8th graders when we know he should be on St. Peter's JV team.

In New Paltz I am going to steal a monkey.

Heresy:

"Durant will be better than Lebron in 3 years"- Kenny Smith

"You guys aren't as cool as the boys here in New Paltz"- Krissy Corrente

Predictions:

Lebron does in fact win the title but "only" averages 29 9 and 9

I eat Krissy Corrente's new 21 ID.

Bad Idea's

Kirk Heinrich guarding Lebron James

Bar Crawl

More Quotes:

"Lebron needs the aliens from Space Jam to come down so he can finally play somebody on his level"

"Death does not frighten me"- Mike Williamson

More Quotes:

"He's Magic but with MJ's athleticism and Karl Malone's body"- Bill Simmons

"I think Krissy just said we aren't as cool as the frat guys at NY's 7th most fun state school."- Me

Prediction Part 2:

Lebron win's the title followed by un-orignal and bored national columnists wondering if this puts him in the top 10 all time

5 A.M beer pong and at least one mysterious carpet stain.

More Quotes:

"Lebron is smoking HGH"- Sean

"Alcohol is so cheap here it is like stealing"- Krissy C.

T-Shirts:

We are all Witnesses

We're here to fuck shit up.

In closing, which will be a bigger debacle, Lebron's assault on the NBA playoffs or our assault on an unsuspecting dorm room in a small college town in upstate NY?

We will see.

Repost: The only time I will ever discuss Friends

2010-04-16T12:55:00.001-07:00

Where do you stand on a fake relationship on a bad TV show?
Category: Sports

There's some great topics in life that force people to choose sides. Democrat/Republican, Led Zeppelin/The Who, Black/White, Coors Light/Bud Light, Biggie/Tupac. I won't be writing about any of these however.

Friends is one of the most perplexing shows of all time. The last 4 seasons were absolutely dreadful. Mostly unwatchable except for a handful of episodes. This was in contrast to the first few seasons where it was one of my favorite all time shows. Why it sucked is another blog for another day. Today's blog centers around the one story line that was present throughout all 19 seasons of the show. Rachel and Ross.

You see I always blamed Rachel for their relationship problems, to the point where it made me like Jennifer Aniston a little bit less, and I really like Jennifer Aniston. However I noticed that girls ALWAYS took Rachel's side. I cannot stress this enough. I will however try to appeal to the logical side of all females everywhere, well if they have any sense of a logical side...shoota! I brought up all these points to Krystal aka Succubus and even her soul eating self agreed I had a valid point. So without further ado, here's a detailed argument on why Rachel was a total bitch to Ross on Friends.

She broke up with him first. If you recall that episode, she has a bad day, takes it out on him, breaks up with him and then is shocked when he sleeps with some one else. That's what broken up people do. Good for him that he was able to find some one so quick. They weren't going out anymore, she had no right to get mad about him banging the skank from the copy place.

After they were broken up, she convinced Ross' new girlfriend (the chick married to Ben Stiller in real life aka Marcia Brady) to shave her head, then for Ross to dump her. After sabotaging his current relationship, she puts a huge guilt trip on him, forcing him to admit that it was all his fault, and only then will she take him back. He doesn't and obviously can't go crawling back to the bald Marcia Brady.

She goes to London to sabotage his wedding, helps ruin his relationship with his 2nd wife (Emily). This is typical. Girls have this crazy idea that the day of your wedding is a good time to tell you they have feelings for you. I think there's like 100 movies where this happens. That is fucked up.

While pregnant, she not only moves in with him, asks him to sleep with her, but tells him that she is too emotionally distraught for him to date anyone while she lives there. Yet she doesn't want to be with him. Basically at this point she has become the worlds biggest cock block.

She starts dating one of his best friends (Joey). I can't remember if they slept together but its clear by now shes an evil whore so probably yes. Yes Joey has blame in this too, but we are already 5 awful things deep in ways she has fucked Ross and the show is still on for another year after this.

Those were the main items I could recall. I'm sure there were more, less glaring things that she did over the course of the show that were equally awful. From what I can remember, Ross never really did anything other than sleep with the copy girl after Rachel broke up with him. Females will inevitably bring up that they weren't going out at the time, even if that is the case, there was no reason to torture him as much as she did.

I challenge anyone to give me a legit argument on why Ross was to blame for everything in their relationship, or even for anything period.

This blog also illustrates another point of mine that I will hopefully get to in a blog later this week. TV is a bad influence on women. Rachel Green was supposed to be a strong role model for women, a sexy, smart likable character who they would strive to be like. From waitress to Ralph Lauren, you can do it too ladies. However her completely irrational behavior sets a bad example, and we'll see in a later blog, that shes not the only one.

Repost of an old Blog my 25 Fav Bar songs

2010-04-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

My top 25 Bar/drinking songs.
Category: Music

This list is based entirely on my opinion which is influenced by the opinions of those who go out drinking with me. The best drinking songs are ones where everyone is singing along. The order is seemingly arbitrary as it could change tommorow or next month or next year and is certainly different than it was 6 months ago. The following people all helped with this. Frisc, Tarah, Ron, Mike, Matt and my sis. I'm sure I forgot at least 7 amazing songs and I'm sure everyone (espescially Sean) will have a huge problem with the list

25- Tom Petty - American Girl/Free Falling- I started with a cop out and put 2 songs by one artist. Truth be told I like them both equally and haven't heard them in bar setting enough to differentiate.

24- John Couger Melloncamp- Jack and Diane- This is the most hick song on the list. However it is an excellent song to hear when your drunk and the lyrics are easy to learn after hearing it 4 times.

23- Def Leopard - Pour Some Sugar On Me- "This is my stripper song" I wish I had a nickel for every girl who has told me that. For whatever reason, 20 something girls have decided this is the most erotic song ever. They will dance on the bar if it comes on or grind up on you. So despite the fact that I don't like it at all it is number 23 for that reason.

22- Rick Springfield- Jessie's Girl- This song is infinitely better if your name is Jesse or you have a friend named Jessie. If not it is still excellent. Again, easy to sing lyrics make it better.

21- The Outfield - Your Love- This is one of those songs you've heard 100 times but never knew who it was by or what it was called. Now you will, you can thank me later.

20- Guns N' Roses – Sweet Child of Mine- November Rain is too long and Paradise City is a little too crazy. This is the perfect GNR song for social drinking settings.

19- Billy Joel- Only the Good Die Young- This is a personal pick. This was my favorite song to play on the old Legends Juke Box. It may be my favorite Billy Joel song and Billy Joel may have the greatest collection of drinking songs by any artist.

18- Michael Jackson- Billie Jean- I have no idea when this became the most popular Michael Jackson song to dance to but it did. It is almost a mortal lock to be played by any DJ and watch next time it comes on. People run to the dance floor that haven't been dancing all night.

17- Bon Jovi- Someday I'll be Saturday Night- My favorite Bon Jovi song. It NEVER gets played at bars. The 4 or so times I played it at Legends made me incredibly happy and it's my list so fuck you guys.

16- Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl- It doesn't have to be Van Morrison, this song has been covered more times than any song in history except Knocking on Heavens Door. It's a great song for cover bands and even better if you know a girl with brown eyes who needs to be sung to.

15- U2- With or Without you - A year ago this doesn't make the list. I blame Mike Williamson for playing it every single time we went to Legends over the last year.

14- Alone- Kim Sozzi- You have no idea about 4 guys driving in a car singing this song while coming home from a night of drinking in Manhattan. You just don't.

13- Oasis – Wonderwall- This is a new phenomenon for me. Always enjoyed the song, just recently realized how much more I enjoy it when drinking.

12- Cascada- Every Time We Touch- Go back to #14 and read what was written about there. Now imagine instead its 5 sober guys going to the bar and singing this song which they just discovered that fate full summer day 2 years ago. That car ride may have been one of the 20 best moments of my life.

11- Madonna - Like a Prayer- There isn't much I can say about this song. If you don't like this song I don't like you.

10- Biggie Smalls- Hypnotize- The only rap song on this list and the ultimate makes me want to dance with a chick song. Hearing the intro then "Hot sicker than your average", gets my head bobbing every time.

9- Shout- Isley brothers- This is the type of song you forget about until a cover band plays it again and everyone does it and gets low and jumps up and then you remember why its in the top 10.

8- What a Feeling- Peter Lutz- Phenomenal song to sing at the top of your lungs with a group of people. Words don't do it justice.

7- Eric Prydz- Call on Me- Amit Patel requesting this song 18 times at Joshua Tree one night is one of the 20 funniest moments of my life.

6- Bryan Adams - Summer of 69- Such a good song Melissa Kellner once asked me to email her the lyrics to this so she could learn them and sing along next time we were at the bar singing it.

James – Laid- This is another personal choice but it is one of those songs that the people who like it love it. It's a popular cover band choice and it makes me happy every time I hear it. It reminds me of a better time in my life.

4- Piano Man- Billy Joel- You haven't lived until you've sung Piano Man with Man Down and the ENTIRE bar. They are playing this Wed at Rhythm and Brews. It is more fun than any person should legally be allowed to have.

3- Bon Jovi - Living On A Prayer- one of only 2 songs that was a consensus pick by everyone who was asked this question. I'm told it's a tough song for cover bands to do. It however is probably impossible for this song to be played and people to not sing along. It will forever remind me of the best weekend of my life, in AC where if you weren't there I can't explain it to you.

2- Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline- I obviously enjoy the techno version better. It will piss people off that this is ahead of Living on a Prayer. To be fair, I've heard LOP 700 times when drunk. I've only heard this 645. Once that evens out it will probably drop. That won't change the fact that it is an amazing song to sing along to.

1-Journey - Don't Stop Believing- There was never another choice. This had #1 wrapped up before the blog was even conceived. It defies all logic why this song sounds 100Xs better when you've been drinking but it does.

My ongoing feud with Montana continues...

2010-03-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

"I could definitely kick anyone's ass from Montana, I could without a doubt fuck up the whole state"- 21 year old Joe Bisceglie (while drunk)

That's not what this is about though. This blog is about another quote or set of quotes. You see my good friend and co-worker and kind of boss Greg Drinkwater wants to visit Wyoming. He is enthralled with the idea. In fact when pressed Greg could NOT name a state he would not like to visit. I fully suspect this is because he is from New Jersey and when you are from the 45th most popular state going ANYWHERE else seems awesome by comparison.

I do not share Greg's enthusiasm for seeing all this majestic country has to offer. Not including driving through to get somewhere else I have been to approximately 17 of the 50 states in the US and there are some, like Hawaii that I would love to visit someday.

This blog isn't about that though, its about the states I DON'T want to visit. The one I have absolutely no inclination whatsoever to ever go see.

Now my last point before I get to the list. Anywhere can be fun and anywhere can suck. If you go to Hartland, Wisconsin it is going to blow but if you go to Green Bay and go to a Packers game it would probably be one of the top 10 moments of your life (if you are me). Same thing how if you go to NYC it could be awesome but if you go to fucken Albany your life sucks. That's not what's important here. We are trying to figure out the overall fun meter of each state if you are Joe Bisceglie and hate everything.

10. Delaware

I've been to Delaware. Other than going to U of Delaware and hitting on college chicks and eating the worlds hottest wings I can't think of any reason I'd ever go back.

9. Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire.

I am lumping in all these secondary New England states because to me there is no discernible difference. If pressed I would probably say Vermont is the least offensive although I think I could have fun in Rhode Island asking everyone where Quahog is. All of these places are cold and as far as I am concerned bring nothing to the table.

8. West Virginia-

They have a college with a major basketball and football program. That's what kept it from falling further on the list. What put it on the list? By most accounts West Virginia is the most white trash place in the entire world. Other than aforementioned sports contests the only fun thing for me to do would be to drink Bud heavies and sing John Denver. Actually that sounds kind of fun, move this to #10.

7. Iowa-

Is this heaven? No it's Iowa. That's all I know about the state except Sean almost went there for college until they didn't have housing for him or something. I'd inevitably walk around looking for Field of Dreams so I can throw hanging curveballs to Shoeless Joe Jackson and be extra pissed when I didn't find it and get to realize my dream of playing baseball in a cornfield.

6. Alabama-

Nothing about the deep south interests me and as far as I am concerned Alabama is the definition of the deep south. Points for being the defending National Champs but still....

5. Missouri-

Seriously, I know less about Missouri than I do Iowa. I guess I could look for Chase Daniels and we would throw footballs but that is fun for like 20 minutes.

4. Utah

An entire state of Mormons, a group of people who are all married, don't drink. smoke or curse. Sign me up! The problem is my entire knowledge of the Mormon religion is based on a South Park episode so I don't think I'd be too popular with my borderline agnostic views.

3. New Mexico, Wyoming, North Dakota, Idaho-

I refuse to differentiate b/w these 4 states. To me they are all the same, giant land masses that have long winters and are surrounded by more giant land masses so there's no beach but plenty of farm land. I can't think of any reason why I would want to visit any of these places.

2. South Dakota-

See the above paragraph and then read this quote from Mr. Harrington aka Doc Ottis who married a woman from South Dakota "There ain't nothing south about South Dakota"

1. Montana

For all the reasons listed 2 paragraphs above plus rumor has it they heard about my proclamation and are all itching to kick my ass.

Throwback Blog Wednesday, January 23, 2008

2010-03-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

Quinnipiac weekend blog

This was maybe the most randomly fun weekend of my entire adult life. There was no reason for it to be so much fun. Sean, Mike and myself left immediately after work on Friday took the train to New Haven and came Sunday afternoon in time for the Giant game. Here is a generalized recap of the weekend.

Good idea- Mio getting a keg for the weekend.

Bad Idea- Mio not getting TWO kegs

Good Idea- Mio's girlfriend Carmina being gone all weekend.

Bad Idea- Mio using this opportunity to act like a drunken retard all weekend.

Good Idea- going to a bar the first night with a ridiculous amount of hot girls including some who looked like they spent a few grand on their boobs

Bad Idea- not putting in more effort to hook up with these girls. Hicks love the NY accent.

Bad idea- having a hot girl sell Miller Lights for $5 at a separate stand by herself away from the bar.

Good Idea- stealing 19 of these Miller Lights every time she turned around. Mike stole 8 I got 7 and Sean and Mio got 4 b/w them. We didn't even want them we just wanted to take them. We even started giving them away to random girls.

Bad Idea- one of those random girls asking Mike if he put a roofie in the beer and he replies "if I was going to roofie somebody they would be better looking than you"

Good Idea- Mike getting some chicks number at the bar.

Bad Idea- Mike texting her the next night to "come over and pipe". When she asked what pipe is he replied "its a new drinking game, come over and we'll teach you"

Good Idea- doing a shot of coffee Patron when we walked into the bar.

Bad Idea- doing another one later

Good Idea- Mikes packing job for the trip

Bad Idea- Me and Sean's packing jobs. Combined we weren't properly prepared for an entire weekend. Sean wore his works clothes all Friday and most of Saturday. I wore sweatpants and dri-fit shirt all of Saturday.

Good Idea- playing beer pong

Bad Idea- throwing things in the living room including a lamp which put a hole in the wall. Mio then threw the lamp across the street in "the woods". The next morning we realized the woods were really his neighbors front yard which had 2 trees.

Good Idea- being "the most drunk I've ever seen you"- Mike Williamson to me.

Bad Idea- being Mio and being the most drunk person ever both nights.

Good Idea- Sean buying cough medicine because he was sick.

Bad Idea- opening it and drinking it straight from the bottle right in front of the cashier at Wal-Mart who was straight grilling him.

Good Idea- buying vitamin water, more chips and cups and 2 30 packs of beer on Saturday.

Bad Idea- not buying more salsa

Good idea- purchasing Accepted on DVD at Wal-mart for $9

Bad Idea- purchasing some movie with Paris Hilton and Jason Mewes that went straight to video for $5

Good Idea- playing beer pong as a warm-up for the night.

Bad Idea- not realizing that there was a "wine and cheese party" going on at his house that night so everyone who showed up was dressed in suits and cocktail dresses and Mio, Mike, Sean, Tim and I are all wearing jeans and t-shirts or sweats.

Good Idea- listening to old awesome rap songs while we played beer pong.

Bad Idea- a kid with a Boston accent singing Welcome to New York City

Good Idea- girls in revealing dresses

Bad Idea- lifting those girls dresses up

Good Idea- Sean coming down in a t-shirt and necktie and me wearing sweatpants a button down and Mio's "funeral tie"

Bad Idea- some kid wearing gray pants a blue pinstriped jacket a yellow tie and new balance sneakers.

Good Idea- some kid making fun of how I was dressed and me saying "who the fuck do I have to impress there's 27 dudes here"

Bad Idea- Tim (Mio's roommate) changing into a shirt n tie to fit in after his whole speech about not dressing up because he wears a suit to work every week.

Good Idea- the final girl to guy ratio settling at around 1-3 with most of the girls being above average attractiveness.

Bad Idea- the initial ratio which was something like 12-0

Good Idea- talking to some of the good looking girls

Bad Idea- using the unsuccessful pick up lines "do you want to piss off your rich Daddy tonight?" and "wanna make a mistake tonight?"

Good idea- teaching hicks the correct way to play fuck the dealer aka acey deucey. "I love you guys you got me drunk in 30 minutes"- some random hick to me

Bad Idea- any hick who refused to play right.

Good Idea- playing awesome music from Sean and Mike's I-pod that made everyone dance

Bad Idea- dancing on the coffee table and causing it to break

Worse Idea- Mio looking at the broken coffee table and deciding it was unfixable so he smashed it and threw it outside scattered all over his lawn.

Good Idea- a girl asking some one to taste her drink because she doesn't like Vodka

Bad Idea- having Mike be that person and having him tell her its fine when it tasted like straight vodka and her spitting it all out.

Good Idea- taking pictures

Bad Idea- jumping in random pictures of people you don't know and doing stuff like this. i did this repeatedly

Good Idea- making glue from horses

Bad Idea- asking "you can make horses out of glue?"

Good Idea- Chinese food for dinner

Better Idea- eating the leftover boneless spareribs at 3 am.

Good Idea- salsa for the chips

Bad Idea- throwing the salsa bowl into the street when it was empty

Good Idea- not playing beer pong at 3:30 am when it was just me Mike, Mio and Sean.

Bad Idea- doing cannonballs into the wood floor instead

Bad Idea- throwing glass bottles into the street

Good Idea- driving 5 minutes out of her way to avoid all the glass in the street ( some random DD girl)

Bad Idea- Rocco stealing my couch

Good Idea- stealing Rocco's pillow

Good Idea- going to Quinnipiac

Bad Idea- ever leaving Quinnipiac

21 Sucks

2010-02-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

The movie 21 based loosely on the book "Bringing Down the House" sucks. It doesn't suck as bad as 21 Grams but it sucks in so many ways that I will now detail.

Good book, crappy movie- I have never read the book (actually ordered it today) but it is very popular and quite famous. Of course whoever decided to turn it into a movie kept only the most basic concept; MIT kids play blackjack. As far as I can tell not one other similarity exists including the fact the movie stars 4 white kids and 2 Asian kids and the kids in the book much like everyone else at MIT were Asian.

Predictability- poor, smart kid needs money for Med school, hot girl offers him semi-dangerous but exciting opportunity. Let me guess he has much success, falls in love but eventually loses control and needs to hatch an elaborate scheme to win back his money. Yea I never saw that one coming.

Did I mention during the height of his success the main character lies to his mom, gets rid of his friends, gives up on the one thing that was always so important to him and won't stop playing blackjack even after he has enough money for med school? Oh wait you figured that out without seeing the movie, me too.

Unrealistic- in the movie every time the table gets "hot" the new player sits down and immediately gets blackjack or 20 against the dealers bust. EVERY TIME! In reality even professional blackjack players will tell you this rarely happens. Counting cards is a slight edge they give themselves not a surefire win every hand.

Kate Bosworth in the lead female role- the other 2 movies this happened, Blue Crush and Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (thank you IMDB). Lets move on.

Kevin Spacey post 2000- worse than Kate. Look it up. Ok I will for you. Fred Claus, Superman Returns, Pay it Forward, K-Pax. American Beauty was over 10 years ago!

Montages- I love a good montage but this one had an incredibly lame "everything's going great montage" where they buy a bunch of shit and hang out in the strip club and the main character hooks up with Kate Bosworth IN THE STRIP CLUB even though she rebuffed his earlier attempts.

Derivative- the final scene was pretty much stolen from the 2000 movie Cheaters which all in all was dramatically better than this. In fact replace black jack with standardized test and I think you may have the same script.

This movie was terrible and is now in my short list of worst movies of all time with Alpha Dog and Babel.

AC Roster list- 2 additions

2010-01-22T06:27:00.000-08:00

Joe Friscia- aka the big hush aka MR. "I hate AC and will never go back"
Over/under total number of drinks- 15
Over/under total gambling losses- $1
Random prediction sure to come true- One on one pong at 5 am participant.

Sean Sallee- Hick, another former above average poker player but below average beer pong player
Over/under total number of drinks- 10
Over/under total gambling losses- $95
Random prediction sure to come true- New first one asleep, possibly laying perpendicular to the way most humans lay on a bed.

Forecast for AC: Drunk with a chance of gambling

2010-01-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

We will be taking a momentary break from our regularly scheduled blog series; "The Chronicles of Bleh" to write about my future Friday night.

Tomorrow is Stewie's birthday and anyone who knows that sick fuck knows that his birthday in Atlantic City promises to be an event that is fun for the whole family. That is assuming your family has massive gambling and/or drinking problems.

The key to this night as far as I am concerned is the roster of people attending. So far we have...

Stewie: Birthday boy, owner of the legendary bar Rhythm and Brews, all time great beer chugging and one of the top 5 worst gamblers I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
Over/under total number of drinks- 15
Over/under total Gambling losses- $500
Random prediction sure to come true- Stewie wears something stupid on his head while playing blackjack

Mike Williamson- Dairy free drinking hiatus dickhead. Former above average poker player and above average beer pong player, emphasis in both cases on the former.
Over/under total number of drinks- .5 (bet the under)
Over/under total gambling losses- $75
Random prediction sure to come true- late night beer pong game where Mike references the 2nd sentence and plays with water.

Ace- the better Viera brother. A key addition to any trip, most likely to be playing Mike in beer/water pong at 5 am. Apparently doesn't gamble.
Over/under total number of drinks- 16
Over/under total gambling losses- $1
Random prediction sure to come true- Will sleep in the most uncomfortable place of anyone on the trip

Scott Viera- the 2nd best Viera brother. Experiencing an HGH induced beer pong resurgence. Dates Stacey. Also doesn't drink.
Over/under total number of drinks- 13
Over/under total gambling losses- $1
Random prediction sure to come true- 5+ references to our last AC trip together

Paul Hyer- First time ever staying in AC. Ace's new running mate in drunken antics. 5'6 but 5'8 with a blowout.
Over/under total number of drinks- 14
Over/under total gambling losses- $1
Random prediction sure to come true- Will not gamble himself but instead encourage Stewart and I to lose all our money

Sto- 240 pounds of fun, 3rd biggest gambling degenerate on the trip. Possible the biggest drinker on the trip and that's saying something.
Over/under total number of drinks- 17
Over/under total gambling losses- $150
Random prediction sure to come true- At least one Jack and Coke but if I had to predict I would guess 11

Me- oldest person on the trip, including Stewie who is like 40. Second biggest degenerate gambler and washed up former beer pong great.
Over/under total number of drinks- 11
Over/under total gambling losses- $200
Random prediction sure to come true- First one passed out.

Chronicles of Bleh 11:15

2010-01-21T08:14:00.000-08:00

Understatement of the week

"So you've checked out now?"- John Fahmy said to me at 10:50 this morning when I strolled in.

Stupid Statement of the week- "the internet was slow because somebody was downloading a 2 hour movie from You Tube"-

Nauseating trend of the week. The associates email Kool-Aid fest I came in to this morning. Enough, we get it, you guys love it here.

Funniest comment of the morning- Saudi Arabia has the right idea, not letting women vote or drive"- Frank O'Kie

My goal for today is to avoid NSR. This will be tricky but I once avoided NSR for a month straight, I think I can pull it off one more time.

Chronicles of Blegh 2:30

2010-01-20T11:30:00.000-08:00

I refuse to finish my rant about scheduling from before.

Reality check in 3 hours, seriously what am I going to say?

McSorleys in 4 hours, thank you 8 pound 5 ounce baby Jesus.

T.O keeps trying to weasel her way into this blog, here is your mention, now stop whining.

My lunch sucked, this day has been utterly disappointing.

New guy is not going to do well, trained him yesterday and he seemed overwhelmed, worried he has some form of social retardation.

Sean insists Lebron James has "good" teammates. I disagree and I am certain i am right because it is Sean arguing the other point.

If you don't think that last point was made to increase my comments you don't know me or Sean.

One note on scheduling, I love the confused look on people's faces when I tell them what their schedule will be. You have to love a company that has a very unique and specific schedule that doesn't bother to tell most new hires about it until week 4 and even then leaves it a co-worker of theirs and not a manager.

McSorley's * repost

2010-01-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

I went to McSorley's Friday after work. I have been meaning to write a blog about it ever since. However true to its form, I was unable to do so until today. Thats the affect McSorley's has on you.

McSorley's leads to drunk beligerant nights. For instance on Friday instead of walking into my house I decided to pass out on my front steps. Poor Megan had to get out of her car and open my door for me. This was at 10:30.

You see there is no drunkness like a McSorley's drunkness. So much so in fact that we cannot go there more than a handful of times a year out of respect for our livers. Before Friday the last time I was there I got so drunk that I fought with my friend Justin for 10 minutes about $100. You see Justin had gotten so drunk there that he had inadvertently paid $100 when he meant to pay $20. Even after we asked numerous times who threw in too much money he still was too drunk to realize he had. I was too drunk to then talk reasonably to him when he asked me to help me recuperate his $100 loss by asking everyone at our table to give him money. I felt the best course of action was to make a scene in the middle of NYC and berate him and ridicule him and offer him the $7 i had in my pocket as compensation.

How I treated Justin was practically like royalty compared to how I treated my sister's friend Natalie. For no real reason I berated her mercilessly until she cried and my sister called me an asshole. Now while I hate Natalie I would have never done this if not for McSorley's beer. It is liquid heroin.

Now on Saturday my friend Kara asked me, "but I thought they only served beer at McSorleys, how did you get that drunk?"

My answer "Magic Beer". I have no idea what it is, maybe their beer has a higher alcohol content than average beer. Maybe its the fact that it is so delicious. Maybe it is the phenomenal service that leads to constant beers at your fingertips even though the places is ALWAYS crowded. I have no idea. All I do know is that every time I am there I am beyond drunk. I am in a state of utter confusion and disregard for anything. The best description was the one I used following this recent pilgrimage.

"I could not differentiate between colors and sounds. I was hearing red and seeing loud".

To understand McSorley's you only need to know that I haven't drank since Friday at 9 and I am just now able to write this blog and put together human thoughts. Allow for me to try and paint a picture of this bar for you.

It is the oldest bar in NYC. They only serve 2 kinds of beer, light and dark and bring you 2 for every one you order. Legend has it some one walked in and the exchange went like this.

Customer: Can I have 3 shots of Jaeger?

Bartender: We don't have Jaeger

Customer: Can I have 3 shots of Jack then?

Bartender takes the person's $20 bill from their hand and licks it and sticks it to their forehead and says "come back when you know what you want"

Many people are confused by the beer situation. However they only serve McSorley's beer which they obviously brew themselves and is all kinds of delicious. Even if you don't typically enjoy dark beers ( I know I don't) you will probably enjoy their dark beer since it is so good.

What does the inside of the place look like? The tables are approximately 75 years old. Their is a TV which we are fairly certain was put in place last year even though the TV is about 20 years old.

There is sawdust on the floor. When Ron once asked why there was sawdust on the floor the response from the waiter was "why wouldn't there be sawdust on the floor?"

There are old pictures hanging up all over the bar. The place is the very definition of old. Let me review some random facts about McSorley's to help you paint a better picture.

The beer is $4.50 and when you order one they bring you two.

They didn't allow women in until the 1960s. After they finally did allow women in they had one same sex bathroom forever. The original owner died and passed the bar on to his daughter who out of respect for her father wouldn't go in until Sunday nights until after it had closed.

Maybe as some sort of punishment, now that women are allowed in they refuse to come. The bar is usually 75%-80 % men on any given day. This is the primary reason why Anthony Pieters refuses to go there.

However the above fact was null n void the last time we were there as there was an entire table with about 7 girls and no guys and the split was a much more friendly 60-40.

The reason there are usually no women probably has to do with the ambiance aka the old pictures and tables and sawdust, the lack of cosmos and wine and miller light beer and the lack of music.

That's right, there is no music played at McSorleys and no sound on the TV. The sounds of the bar are the bristling of the workers and sounds of conversation between the participants. I personally enjoy the change of pace.

The excess of conversation is good because table seating is on a request basis. You have to ask permission to sit, if you are not drinking they will give your seat away and there is a very good chance they will seat you at a table with people who you do not know. However worry not, the quality of people at McSorley's is the highest caliber. I have always enjoyed whatever random people they have sat me with there and trust me it happines about 50% of the time I go there. That's if I am lucky enough to get a table.

The bar closes at 1. This may seem like heresy however I have come to realize it is a blessing in disguise. The aforementioned McSorley's drunkeness is limited by the cap on drinking at 1 am. It has also caused us to create...

The McSorley's bar tour which includes usually McSorley's followed by Ray's pizza followed NYC's most underrated bar Continental for 5 shots for $10 followed by Third and Long and random appearances by Mike Williamson.

The bar isn't racist and I don't like to stereotype but there are rarely any black people in this bar. I believe the above blog explains this fact alot. However the most recent outing led for us to proclaim this to Keith (our black friend) and followed with FOUR more black people entering the bar while we were there. It was bizzarro McSorley's for a day filled with black people and women but no black women.

After Ron's 21st birthday we took him there. He proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated and berate my father with taunts of "I'm 21 I do what I want. You can't kick me out of your backyard anymore"

My father responded to these claims with taunts of his own "I'll still kick you out of my backyard and I'll kick you in the balls"

The above 2 paragraphs don't even do justice to describe how funny this event was.

In fact the above blog does not even do justice to describe the whole experience. I recommend you experience it with us if you haven't already. Just ask me to invite you next time we go, if I don't it means you suck as a person and I think you will ruin what is quite possibly the happiest place in my life.

Chronicles of Bleh 11:00

2010-01-20T07:58:00.000-08:00

I've said this before but I REALLY feel like today is my last day which would make my McSorley's trip a defacto going away party. If not I imagine they keep me until Friday to make it easy payroll wise.

I will repost my old Mcsorley's blog for new readers.

Today's first post will be about schedules. Here at Ai NYC I am the czar of scheduling and Lindsey Laughlin is the VP of scheduling. These are unofficial titles as we are just the powerless drones who have to do the leg work with no real power to make things better.

This isn't to say we both haven't used the responsibility to our advantage whenever possible, it's just saying that it's more often impossible to do anything more than give yourself a good "comp day".

The schedule includes 30+ people, all with different schedules and every time they want a day off we have to go in and change it so we literally change it every day. Plus because my boss is approximately 150 years old, she can't ever look at the schedule located on the "Shared" drive that everyone has access to. She insists that all changes be made manually to the hard copy hanging on a door and an email sent to her assistant so he can manually change her hard copy so that every few weeks she can leave snarky notes at our desk about our tardiness or whereabouts.

The problem with this besides being time consuming is that this is a job that requires people to occasionally adjust their schedules to best suit their business, however they are so cheap and bitch relentlessly about OT so somehow they want you to take care of all your business, never put in OT and maintain your schedule exactly how it appears on their piece of paper.

In other words they want us to work 40+ hours but only put in 40 but they would NEVER say that because it is an HR issue.

This topic needs a part 2 later....

Chronicles of Blegh 2:30

2010-01-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

Saye Konah apparently borrowed a playlist from a 15 year old white girl today. So far I have heard Faith Hill, Panic at the Disco and some weird dance song being played at his desk. I think all the Ai Kool-aid from his recent promotion has affected his brain.

Funniest occurrence of the week so far. One of the "new people" informed me that I am supposed to train them on something. I told them, "sure, we can either do it today or you can wait until I get fired and have somebody else do it". She chose today. This should be interesting.

The above story is the result of reason 476 why this place is awful. The training here somehow manages to be long and unhelpful at the same time. They once "assigned" different training task to various ADAs here and ever since then have just photocopied the same list so EVERY time the new people get to "role playing cost and resources through referrals" they ask me to do it. Now I don't mind doing this and it will be fast because I don't like these new people enough to spend more than 25 minutes with them.

Back when I cared, I offered to train the new people on curriculum because the 5 weeks of training here does not include curriculum training which is the equivalent of working at a Honda dealership and never reading a book on the features of the Accord, the Civic or the CRV. Now, they get no such help from me.

Lastly, Dear Austin, I hope you are reading this, enough with the 21st Century thing. I have heard more about this than our January start. I get it, you guys are excited, please be considerate of your poor co worker (me) stuck in between your triangle of nonsense babble for the last 2 weeks. I only have a few more days here, please don't make me commit a homicide before I go. I will personally give $20 to an AIDS patient if you promise not to talk about it at work anymore.

Chronicles of Blegh 11:15

2010-01-19T07:58:00.000-08:00

Any blog could be my last blog. I possibly went to my last Tuesday meeting ever today. It was somehow short but still twice as long as it needed to be.

My biggest concerns at this point are as follows.

1. Where would I get a bag to carry my remaining items home if I needed one immediately?

2. How will I waste my time now that start week is over and I am clearly not enrolling any more students for myself? maybe I will take a Robin Hood approach and help my friends.

3. What will people devoid of common sense do here when I am not around to help them with their simple problems?

4. Will I continue this blog series and chronicle my meager attempts at finding new employment?

I am openly requesting suggestions for all 4 questions especially thoughts on number 4.

Chronicles of Blegh 3:15

2010-01-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

My day goes much faster when I help students. I added one more last night who was finalized today. I will finish with 3 and possibly 3 for February (told you guys we have a start here every few weeks seemingly)if this weekend goes well.

Since the theme is 3, this will also be a 3 day weekend, sadly there won't be 3 blogs today but I tried.

I will only have 3 drinks tonight at Mike's sober bartending debut.

I probably only made 3 calls today and that includes the 1 to Mike.

This post will end up going up dangerously close to 3:33

I'm in third place in one of my Jersey Shore leagues.

My basketball number is 3 which presents a problem since it is also Mike's and we play on the same team. I am not a big baby so I let him have it.

Sadly I won't get out at 3 today but...

If I make 3 more sets I can leave at 4, which I am going to do anyway because

I already have 3 hours of OT and they don't want too much OT.

Chronicles of Blegh 10:45

2010-01-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

Its Friday, I finally don't have work tomorrow which is a rarity but a good thing. However not a good thing is the lack of allies here today. I have counted at least 3 people I like not here today including Austin. This is crucial because with Austin not here it means that the women of the sweet never stop talking nonsense and I have no support to make fun of them.

For example one of my co-workers just reveled her boyfriend doesn't take the subway at all, he drives everywhere in NY. This is the type of thing he and I could have made jokes about for 11 minutes but without him I have no support and it looks like I am just a jerk making fun of people who already hate me.

But seriously, who doesn't take the subway? Why even live in NY?

There will be a Jersey Shore blog next week, I promise. This series doesn't have much more time....

Chronicles of Blegh 5:45

2010-01-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

The long gap between entries was for 2 reasons. The first was an email sent by my boss

Many of you (including myself) are somewhat frustrated by the slowness of our technology so I ask that unless necessary you refrain from having internet windows open other than work-related. Thanks.

I am unsure if she considers blogging part of this but to be safe I refrained.

I also was legit busy doing numerous things including; playing pool with Hecky, sitting by the front desk telling people to sign a piece of paper if they are a first quarter student (seriously) and to quote Lesley Moran "helping people who should be helping themselves".

However I was NOT busy doing what many of my co-workers were doing which was sitting in a meeting about our upcoming open house. If this is your first reading of this blog, go back and catch yourself up on my hatred of meetings. This was a meeting that should not have been more than 10 minutes and ended up being about 30.

I was not there and couldn't have been happier about it.

Chronicles of Blegh 11:00

2010-01-14T07:50:00.000-08:00

I seriously thought about calling out sick today. My legs hurt so bad I consider amateur amputation this morning. I am too out of shape to play 30+ minutes of basketball on back to back nights, not the way I play.

Alas I thought better of it and I am here and wondering things like "how soon is too soon to take lunch?"

The writing of this blog was interrupted by a "crisis". Apparently half my students have not posted attendance this week so we have no confirmation that they have been in class. This is simply a clerical error. I personally witnessed said student in class, waved to her and said hello. However in the world of Ai management this was an issue that needed immediate action so I took the elevator of death (more on that later) upstairs, pulled the student out of her class and told her she needed to do a better job raising her hand when they take attendance. I work in 3rd grade....

This will serve as good news for later however as I need to "check in" with my manager about how my start is coming and how my week is going. "Umm I have 2 students, I made 4 appointments this week, randomly got an application and wrote 10 blogs" At least now I will have positive news to report. This "check in" is the result of yesterday's "reality check" being canceled due to actual work being done. You see multiple times a week, actual work is stopped so that the managers can talk to us about the actual work that we are doing. On Wednesdays this is called "reality check" and is supposed to motivate us to do better the rest of the week. In reality it wastes our time but does give our bosses something pretty to put on their resumes about how they "helped" us achieve our goals.....

Chronicles of Blegh 2:45

2010-01-13T11:44:00.000-08:00

Things I will miss about Ai Wednesday afternoon edition. The Tai place 4 blocks away that is so fantastically good I want to set up a tent there and eat it 3 meals a day.

People who don't own TVs. Before I worked here I met 0 of these people and here I have met 2. Their unique TV-less take on pop culture will be missed.

The people at Dunkin Doughnuts who know my order as soon as I walk through the door.

I am assigned to work the front desk sign-in tomorrow afternoon so you guys get one more day at least of this series.

Rob- if you are reading this buddy, don't worry, there are no bell towers around here, I will probably just get on a bus and go home and jerk off and then email you to tell you how your opinion on something baseball related is incorrect.

It is disturbing to me there are multiple people here who don't know who Lesley Moran, Kara Corrente, Matt Cacavo or Rob Tycenski are. Soon there will be ones who don't know what a Joe Bisceglie is...

Chronicles of Blegh 11:30

2010-01-13T08:23:00.000-08:00

As per my manager's request I shaved hours this morning so I was able to get an extra hour or so of sleep and it was AWESOME. You could tell how excited I was to come in today because I was making plans for lunch on the bus before I even got in.

I know it is not work related but I must speak about this article.

http://www.myfoxphilly.com/dpp/news/local_news/011110_Woman_Wearing_Romo_Jersey_Assaulted_In_Bethlehem

First off example number 1,347 of why Philly not only has the worst fans in the world but is legitimately the worst city in American history. Two guys beat up a woman because of her football jersey? Somehow despite being a major American city Philly has more white trash than West Virginia.

Secondly, that link will allow Mike, Kara and Frisc to devise 315 different jokes at my expense about how I love Tony Romo and are we sure it wasn't me who got punched.

Thirdly I'd be remiss if I didn't admit to occasionally wanting to hit a woman wearing the jersey of certain teams I hate, however I have never acted on this anger and instead held it in and drowned it in booze...

Chronicles of Blegh 3:30

2010-01-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

Events that have occurred since my last post in no particular order.

Hung out in Hecky's office designing shoes on Nike.com

Made 2 sets.

Witnessed the 3 most boring people in the office talking to one another and wonder how it took them 7 days to find each other.

Told Austin he is Fox New's worst nightmare.

Had a discussion with Austin and Geneva about New Jersey legalizing medicinal marijuana and Gay marriage, which led to the above quote.

Texts from last night....

Spoke briefly with both Greg Drinkwater and Loren Cohen 2 of my 5 favorite people who left here.

Decided I would only shoot lefty tonight in our game.

This exchange happened via email

Sean: Did anyone else know that Bird once dropped 47 on portland left handed?
Matt:I heard you did that at UB intramurals lol

Made plans for Mcsorley's next Wednesday with a co-worker. Whose in?

Easily the most productive 150 minutes of my week so far....

Chronicles of Blegh 1:00

2010-01-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

Here are the exact instructions from my superiors here.

You have to work on Saturday, you shouldn't take a day off this week, you can't leave early any days and you shouldn't put in OT.

HUHHHHHHHHHHH???????

In an unrelated note the internet is slow again because all the kids are back at school and it is seriously screwing up my ability to scour the internet all day.

I had a subway sandwich for lunch in an attempt to eat healthy and realized that b/w the subway club sandwich my iced tea and baked lays I was around 900 calories. So that plan was completely useless.

The new guy was even butting into Austin and Franks pseudo lunch date. Doesn't he recognize a multi-generational gay bonding trip when he sees one?

In a related note, I gave them $2.00 to get me a vitamin water and said "Let Austin pick the flavor". If stereotypes have taught me anything it's that I will end up with the pink Vitamin water.

Chronicles of Blegh 10:30

2010-01-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

I am out of Hanes white t-shirts currently. This is problematic because that is what I wear underneath my work shirts, or when I am Defensive Coordinating in the NFL. I will have to do laundry when I get home or risk going undershirt-less which I cannot do because I am not European.

Any former Ai employees reading this post are probably confused by the timing. 10:30 on a Tuesday morning is prime meeting time. In fact normally at this time they are just getting ramped up with their millions of kudos. However today they did us all a favor and kept it under 30 minutes. This happens occasionally, using around start week and we are all so happy we don't know what to do with the extra 90 minutes so we mostly just jerk around until noon and then go eat lunch.

Now for those who have never attended an Ai Tuesday meeting, it is most comparable to Pulp Fiction. Imagine a combination of what happened to Marcelus Wallace in the store basement combined with what happened to the young black man's head in the car multiplied by the feeling you get when you see any scene involving Butch's French girlfriend and that is what everyone of our Tuesday meetings feel like. To keep up with the theme, we all leave there after the 2+ hours with the same look Uma Thurman has after her OD and subsequent adrenaline needle into her heart.

But today was not that and I'd like to think the bosses did it so I could start blogging earlier.

Chronicles of Blegh 6:45

2010-01-11T15:38:00.000-08:00

Other aspects of American culture Hecky doesn't understand; why it's completely uncool to get a jersey of your favorite team with your name on the back....

Aspects of work that I don't understand, why the new guy wants to be my friend. I have given no indication that I am friendly to anyone let alone new people.

I also don't understand people who reply to all on company emails. YOU ARE RETARDED, stop it.

Now if you are saying to yourself, "Joe I have seen you reply to all with cheesey clip art emails". That is an elaborate joke between myself and a select few. Trust me I would stop immediately if others would stop and it would cease being funny.

If you have decided to follow this ongoing blog series please leave suggestions in the comment section as to what I should write about tomorrow.....

Chronicles of Blegh 4:30

2010-01-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

"Don't give me this bullshit you're busy, I read your blog and it says you are doing nothing"- Mike

I have been strangley busy today. Intertwined with periods of utter nothingness are signs of an actual work ethic that if I somehow could have been harnassed earlier then I wouldn't be in this current situation.

In 90 minutes approximately 60% of my co-workers will go home. The other 40% will stay until about 8 PM like myself. This is one of the many facets of this job that sucks. Now when they leave it will be a case of Good News/Bad News. The good news is that its much quieter and I LOVE the quiet. The bad news is there will be less people for me to BS with and I like that as well. Ina perfect world everyone I hate would leave and all my friends would work until 8 and I could BS with them until I left at 7:40.

Anyone familiar with Ai will notice the time and day of this blog and if they are of keen mind will realize that I am currently avoiding my phone-a-thon. I think we can all agree my time is better served doing this even if these blogs were written in a combination of English, Spanish and Klingon and were nothing more than my thoughts on cats and fried eggs.

Wow that last sentance was a little too hipster for me, I think I need another break. Make sure to check back later for more updates.

Chronicles of Bleh 1:45

2010-01-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

I've been here 4 hours so far. If it wasn't for my student showing up unannounced at 9 am I would have 0 relevant activity so far today. I've blogged, scoured the internet and ate lunch with Hecky. I enjoy eating lunch with Hecky for a few reasons.

1. He is in the same boat as me, if they fire one of us and not the other somebody should be ashamed of themselves.
2. The cultural barriers. Hecky does not understand 75% of American pop culture. Case in point, he thoroughly enjoys the Jay Leno show. We mostly discuss things about America that confuse him like Jersey Shore, the Salary Cap, Laurie Boxer the weather.
3. I have no other friends here.

The first point however is the key. You see when you struggle at this job you want to surround yourself with others who are also struggling. So while T.O and Frank and Austin and John are all doing well and I am happy for them they can all go fuck themselves because they are not mired in the hell that I am right now.

Less than one month until vacation, substantially less time until next update.

The Chronicles of Blegh 10:45

2010-01-11T07:48:00.000-08:00

This will be an attempt at traditional blogging. Most of what I write here wouldn't be considered traditional blogging. Its well thought out, concise essays about specific topics that are written once or twice a month. This is going to be a constantly updated mess of thoughts so make sure you check back sporadically throughout the day for new updates.

I have worked at my job for over 2 years now. It's had it's up and it's downs. However it looks like my time here will be coming to an end. They have let me know in not so subtle ways that if I don't make my number for January they will stop payment of all the checks they send me every 2 weeks. They will also take away my desk and my email account.

I am nowhere near my needed goal of 8 students for January. I am currently at 2 which is more than the 0 I had in November but less than the 4 I had last Tuesday. Outlook is bleak and I COULD try and make a last ditch effort to save my job or I can blog about the experiences of my last week. Anyone who knows me already knows which one I am choosing.

Now some people would be worried about this or sad and I am a little bit of both. I don't want to to not have a job but truth be told it wouldn't be so bad. Lets review the positives.

1. Don't have to request vacation time for my upcoming cruise.
2. Don't have to come in here anymore and interact with a good many people who I wish would die a horrible death.
3. Maybe this will motivate me to change my life and actually do something productive that I won't hate immensely.
4. I won't ever have to feel guilty that I ruined some kid's life by enrolling him in a school where he needs to take out thousands of dollars in loans.

So you can see this situation does have it's good side. The negative side is that it sucks to get fired from a job and I will feel like shit for a while after it happens. However it will be much like being dumped by a crappy girlfriend you just couldn't dump for whatever reason, yea it's a hit to your ego but now you are finally out and she can't hit you anymore. Not that anythign like that ever happened to me....

Pier 76 VS Jersey Shore

2009-12-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

Jersey Shore and Pier 76. These are easily the 2 biggest new developments in my life. I spend 75% of my conversations discussing Jersey Shore and 50% of my free time in Pier 76 (located at 76 Bay St., now open for lunch). I could reasonably write a blog about neither but a blog comparing both? Well that’s right up my alley.

Pier 76 VS Jersey Shore

Biggest Ego

Pier: Joe Gusto, a man who while"
kareokeing "Don't Stop Believing"
stopped singing and just started
shouting; "Gusto, what it is right now"

Jersey Shore- "The Situation"- Trust me, watch the show and you will understand

Advantage= Pier 76

Drunkest person

Pier 76: Mike Williamson
Jersey Shore-"Snookers"

Advantage= Pier 76

Chicks

Jersey Shore: 4 in the house
Pier 76: On average 4 a night

Advantage= Tie

Propensity

Pier 76: The birthday of everyone I know
Every semi holiday
Any day Mike is promoting

Jersey Shore:Its on MTV every single day at some point

Advantage= Pier 76, ITS OPEN FOR LUNCH!

Drunk Factor

Pier 76: 2 for 1 happy hour, shot wheel,
Armory specials, Ricky

Jersey Shore: Jersey Shore drinking Game*

Advantage= Tie Again

Most Annoying Person

Pier 76: No comment

Jersey Shore: Angelina aka cake face aka worst person ever

Advantage= Jersey Shore, shes the worst person on the planet

Vinny

Pier 76: Bar tended there one night for approximately 45 minutes least

Jersey Shore: On every episode for at least 45 seconds

Advantage= Jersey Shore

Biggest Whore

Pier 76: The bartender who hooked up with one of my friends in the
private bathroom

Jersey Shore: J-Woww- "After I have sex with a guy I want to rip his head off"

Advantage= Jersey Shore, shes like Bo Jackson, nothing like anything we have ever seen before.

Best Part

Pier 76: Coaster Toss Game
Jersey Shore: Intentional unintentional comedy

Advantage= Jersey Shore

Best Deal

Pier 76: Armory Specials**
Jersey Shore: Free episodes on MTV.com

Advantage= Pier 76

Defining Quote***

Pier 76: "It's like Beer Garden but twice as far"
Jersey Shore: "It’s like a three some with Jessica Alba and Jesus"

Advantage= Jersey Shore

Final Score 5-4 in favor of Jersey Shore, its official we have solved nothing!

*** Both quotes are attributed to Joe Bisceglie
** $25 for 3 hours of bottled domestic beer $30 for Imported or Kettle one
* The rules are as follows" Drink every time they say Jersey Shore, call Snookie by the wrong name, anybody says "the situation", they say bro, guido or guidette or you hear the duck phone quack.

Reposting of an old blog * unedited**

2009-12-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

Girls love quotes.

On Myspace, on AIM. They love using the same quotes as other girls. Females are often quite unoriginal. I'm here to break down what they really mean for you. The bold text is my interpretation of each of these famous quotes that females love.

1. There are 3 things a girl needs; alcohol to make her strong, men to make her weak and friends to pick her up when both make her hit the floor.

I occasionally get very drunk because of guys and I hope my friends don't talk bad about me behind my back.

2. I'm conceited, I got a reason

I'm a bitch.

3. I don't know how many times I told myself to hold onto these moments as they pass

I'm graduating college and I'm fully aware how much my life is going to suck.

4. You're only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix and the friends you roll with

My friends and I like to perpetrate the image that we are crazy partiers but really 2 cosmos and a shot of soco and lime and I'm puking in the corner.

5. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away

My life is boring; I miss that one night stand with the busboy at my job.

6. Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that once made you smile.

Things just ended badly with a guy and I'm trying to justify wasting a portion of my life I will never get back. Also I may like to kiss at below average speed.

7. Someday you'll find some one who makes you realize why it never worked out with anyone else

I have a new boyfriend and things don't suck yet

8. They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday......But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.

I'm in a relationship that everyone else can see is a mess but I won't get out for fear of being alone.

9. True love is the recognition of a soul and its counterpart

I've seen Wedding Crashers and will pretend not to be quoting a movie where they also say, "Crab cakes and football, that's what Maryland does"

10. Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option.

I ended it with that married guy I was seeing.

11. Keep talking about me; you're only making me more famous

I have beef with either one or a group of girls that is eventually going to lead to a bad situation at a shitty club/lounge.

12. I'm not a bitch I just speak the truth, I'm not a slut, I just get every guy I want. I'm not a heartbreaker, I just get bored easily, I'm not cocky, I'm confident

I'm the worst person ever.

13. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous

I'm lonely

14. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone, just as wild, to run with

Right now I scare guys and as a result they won't wife me.

15. Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate

I've been depressed watching Grey's Anatomy with my girlfriends and eating ice cream in our pajamas

16. Just because some one doesn't love you how you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I have a male friend that is crazy about me and I don't want him to not be my friend because I want to make him do stuff for me and cry about other boys to him and make him want to light his head on fire.

Why Tiger Woods validates Derek Jeter’s Sportsman of the Year..

2009-12-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

Derek Jeter winning Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year (SOY) award is the type of thing that normally would lead me to go on a bitter angry rant. However recent events having transpired have changed my mind.

“It’s a fake award”- Joe Frsicia.

This is true, NOBODY cares about SOY. It’s routinely given to ridiculous athletes. It is more or less a way for SI to write a feature about an athlete they wanted to write about anyway. It’s routinely given to multiple athletes to share or even entire teams like the 04 Redsox or the American Women’s Soccer team. It’s in no way a relevant indication of who was the most important athlete in any given year.

However Derek Jeter deserves an award. I know this seems sacrilegious coming from me, the lord king of the “Jeter is so overrated it makes me nauseous” camp. However overrated does not mean the man is not worthy of praise.

Derek Jeter has been a multi-millionaire athlete, fashion model good looks celebrity, King of NY for quite some time now. He can’t be any more in the spotlight. Yet he has managed to stay scandal free for 13 years. The closest thing he has had to controversy was the deterioration of his friendship with A-Rod and their lack of slumber parties following some negative comments by A-Rod. This was a minor blip at best and possibly endeared him to Yankee fans even more (grown men having sleepovers is creepy).

EVERY major celebrity athlete has had some sort of major controversy in their lives. Jordan with the gambling issue, Kobe with the rape allegations, Bonds with the steroids, Brady with the baby mama drama, Charles Barkley with EVERYTHING. Jeter going 13 years unscathed is unheard of in this age of celebrity obsession and TMZ and twitter and camera phones. Hell, Ron Artest can’t go one day without doing something idiotic like revealing he drank Hennessy during half time of games.

Further more Jeter deserves major kudos for not making the biggest mistake every good looking male celebrity of the last thousand years has made. He hasn’t gotten married. The man is 35 and has spent the last 13 years putting together quite possibly the most impressive resume ever. He has something like 8 of Maxim’s top 100. He had Mariah Carey before the stench of Marshall Mather’s was on her. Can you think of anyone else who went so long without getting married?

Jordan, Barkley, Ken Griffey, Mick Jager, Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Burt Reynolds, the Beatles, with the exception of George Clooney every major male celebrity of my lifetime has gotten married (you can even make the case that Jeter’s hit list is better than Clooney’s, definitely more famous). And almost without exception every one of them was accused of infidelity or got divorced and lost half their shit. When you or I get divorced it’s a few thousand in alimony every year. If Tiger gets divorced it will cost him the GDP of Trinidad and Tobeggo.

Now I am sure there is a reason these celebrity’s all got married and a less cynical person than me would even muse that it was “love”. I personally think it allows them a hint of normalcy in an otherwise completely un-normal life.

Tiger’s wife is smoking hot. She is cut off your finger for 11 minutes with her hot. All apologies to the women I have been with up until this point in my life but she is hotter than any 2 of them put together. However Tiger cheated and he did so inevitably because of a theory my dad once told me; “No matter how hot a women is there is some guy somewhere tired of fucking her”. I don’t know if Jeter is aware of this or not but he has been able to avoid this his entire life and should be applauded for it.

The stereotype about men always wanting more women and being dogs and all that may or may not be true. However temptation is a dangerous thing. It’s hard to resist and I guarantee any one reading this blog has never been faced with the type of temptation that these celebrities are faced with on a daily basis. The hottest 1% of women in the world are throwing themselves at them often for reasons less moral than “love”. Are we really judging these guys for giving in to it?

That’s what makes Jeter so special. He has been able to enjoy this perk his entire professional career and has somehow managed to do it away from the judging eyes of the media and conservative America. For this he deserves a “real award” but I guess he will have to settle for Sportsman of the Year.

Why I Hate Sports

2009-11-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

I used to love sports. Now I don’t. I don’t even like them anymore. Why you ask?

The Giants are like the greatest girlfriend you ever had. They are too good looking for you and they buy you awesome presents (like signed Endy Chavez pictures) and not crappy cologne you will never wear, they are great in the sack and all your friends like them. Now imagine this same girlfriend got an STD. That’s the NY Giants season right now, fucken chlamydia.

My perils with the NY Mets are well documented. I won’t even get into it here because blogspot doesn’t have enough bandwidth for me to go into all the ways the Mets make me miserable.

Hockey. Hockey is incredibly lame and is played by people who aren’t athletic enough to play any other sport. Seriously, 98% of H.S hockey players were not even remotely good enough to play any other sport. Not only is it terrible but everytime I go to the bar one of the 3 “NY” hockey teams is on and I have to suffer through this shit. Hockey is gay and you are faggots for liking it.

The Knicks suck and it’s miserable watching them. Plus I routinely discuss basketball with Sean and that makes me want to light myself on fire. SI Aquarium may have just won a championship on a forfeit followed by losing a makeshift game to a terrible team. The game was marred by horrid officiating and worse outside shooting by our team. We may have been 8 for 45 from outside the paint. Basketball is miserable.

Wes was eliminated 2 weeks ago from RR/RW Challenge the Ruins. Since this is my 4th favorite sport I am including this.

Phil Ivey didn’t win the W.S of Poker. This isn’t a sport but further shows how stupid I am for loving poker so much.

Shaun Alexander, Ladanian Tomlinson, Ronnie Brown, Joseph Addai and Matt Forte are all pussies and should be shot and killed instantly.

Which brings me to my last point. Fantasy foootball is the most terrible awful thing ever. It is pure evil. Mike and I lost this week by HALF a FUCKEN POINT because the commish overturned a point that was incorrectly awarded to us. I have 5 teams and if I even try to do any leagues next year I am going to Joseph Friscia and having him smash me over the head with a frying pan.

I have been an idiot for loving sports so much my entire life. Consider this my official resignation from all sports both participating and following.

13 Reasons why I will be rooting for the Yankees in the World Series

2009-10-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

13 Reasons why I will be rooting for the Yankees in the World Series.

For at least 3 months all Met fans have been wierdly cogniscent of our worst case scenario World Series matchup. Phillies Yankees seemed too terrible to even be possible. Surely there was a God and he wasn’t a sick spitefull vindictive God.
Alas further proof that God doesn’t care about sports, Yankees Phillies World Series. I was asked numerous times what I would root for in this seemingly inevitable scenario. My most common response was “A plane crashes into the Phillie’s stadium during game 3, everyone involved dies”. My second most common answer was “drink a bottle of drano”.
I am nothing if not overly dramatic when it comes to sports. However forced to choose I will choose not to watch any of the games but I will be rooting for the Yankees and just typing that sentence has made me feel dirtier than a repeat offender child molester. However I have my reasons and they are as follows.

1. I only know 4 people I actually like who are Phillies fans but I know at least 5 Yankee fans I like and I want those people to be happy.

2. Jimmy Rollins is the most fraudulent MVP in the history of organized team sports. Seriously, no knowledgable baseball person would ever say he deserved that MVP in 2007.

3. The Phillies stole the Mets slogan. http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/mets/2008/10/18/2008-10-18_phillies_fans_ya_gotta_be_kidding_me.html
Save me the Tug Mcgraw bullshit, wars have been started over less than this.

4. Cole Hamels is a Tool. I hate that word but it is the only word to accurately describe him

5. Phillies fans rioted after their only loss of this postseason and destroyed over 20 cars including my sister’s friend Mary’s car. Really Philadelphia? A riot after one loss in the NLCS? Stay classy. This is horrendous even if Mary’s car looks like this.

6. Alex Rodriguez is possibly the greatest player of his generation and has been unfairly lambasted by the NY media and Yankee fans. It would be nice for him to win a W.S maybe even get MVP and shutup all the know nothing Yankee fans who ride Jeters cock like it’s the fucken 6 train.

7. 2 words Bill Burr http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S4nSzE4N-o

8. Philly fans are the biggest bunch of phonies in history. This was a city who could not have possibly cared less about its baseball team until they won a World Series. I used to go to Phillie’s games and the crowd would start Eagles chants. One hick with 7 teeth once trash talked me in my Met jersey by telling me Eli Manning was gay because the Giants don’t have cheerleaders. I’m stil waiting on that first Eagles Superbowl win guys.

9. Philadelphia has the highest percentage of hicks among any major city in the country. This is indisputable scientific evidence, look it up.

10. They booed Santa Claus and cheered when an oppossing player was paralyzed. I cannot stress enough how white trash the entire fan base is.

11. Their cheesesteaks are overrated, there I said it, it needed to be said.

12. I want to know what it feels like to be a soulless, mindless, unoriginal front running bastard.

13. I HEART N.Y. I think it is the greatest cold weather city in the world. I think Chicago tries

to be it and suceeds 80% and Philly tries to be it and suceeds 17%. I go down to Atlantic City which is located approximately equal distance from Philadelphia and NY. I don’t want the hicks to have scoreboard on me. I want them to say some shit and my response to be as simple as, fuck off Yankees swept you guys in the World Series. I will NEVER be a Yankee fan and I would rather cut my own wrists than see the Yankees win but I would rather cut my own wrists TWICE than see the Phillies win so that’s it, go Yanks

Reposting of an old blog

2009-10-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

This blog was funny 2 years ago and the unintentional comedy is off the charts now in light of certain events that transpired since September of 2007. I will occasionally go back to Myspace to post old blogs for new readers here.

Weekend Recap

I am usually opposed to play by play recaps of my weekend as blogs. They come off as self serving and monotonous and worst of all; boring. However this weekend warrants one.

Friday 9 am- 4pm. Four people in my office were sick this week. Guess who gets sick while at work? That's right, me. I have a big weekend planned, I don't need this shit. I immediately plan to overmedicate myself as soon as I get home. I spend approximately 4 of the 7 hours talking via email to my friends. The plan is set. My father and I will drive down immediately following my getting home and Mike and Mcnicol will leave around 8 PM that night. Mike will stay at Trop with me and Matt will leave at 7 am with my father to come home. The wheels are in motion.

5:30- 9 pm- I take as many Tylenol cold and sinus as any human can without overdosing on non-prescription cold medication.

9 PM- 12:30 PM- I lose $140 playing mostly uneventful poker, enjoy one hot tea and 6 cold beers. Mike and Matt arrive and somehow Mike has 8 beers and Matt has a number unknown to all but is drunker than both of us.

12:30- We know Matt is drunk because he is telling us his story how he lost all his money at poker. It isn't a sob story about a suck out on the river but rather a boring story about his weak ace losing to trips. Mike and I berate Matt for his awful play. Matt convinces me to play roulette with him aka put $20 on black. I do and it hits. Matt insists we let it ride. I let $10 ride and we hit again. Matt insists we must do it again. Mike bets red because he is positive we are going to lose. I cannot watch. I leave $15 on and we hit again. I have now turned $20 into $65. Matt calls me a term that rhymes with "mussy" for wanting to take our money and run. He convinces me to bet $15 more on black which we lose. We finally stop playing and go back to our hotel room. I have cut my losses by $30.

1 am- I am yelling at my sister on the phone because she is trying to leave the Tropicana after we waited hours for her and her friends to finish dinner. Mike must take the phone from me to calm my sister down. Somehow Mike has turned into the voice of reason. My friend Sabrina starts drunk texting me. This is something she does now. She's upset she wasn't invited to AC even though she has bailed on our plans to hang out the last 5 times. Girls are reasonable.

1:30 am- We arrive back at our room and I take the world's fastest shower and attempt to make my hair do what I want it to. Matt makes mixed drinks for Mike and me. The term mixed is being used loosely here. The drinks are described by Mike as "vodka on the rocks with a splash of mountain dew for color". To make a point I pound one as fast as I can. Anyone who knows me knows this was a bad idea. I immediately make myself another one that makes the last drink look like fruit punch by comparison. The girls have arrived and proceed to help us kill this bottle of kettle. I end up having 6 total drinks because I share mine with the lovely ladies of PSU.

I continually rank my sister's friends in terms of how much I like them. This list changes every 35 seconds. Here is it at that point as best as I can remember.

Cassie Donna
Anna aka Woodchuck Cider
Lindsey aka Leslie

Dariah (because I'm scared of her)

Mary aka Borat

Michelle aka ferret girl

Amy aka Boston (because I had never met her)

Danielle aka the worst

2 am- I'm drunk and belligerent and have already made my sister not speak to me at all. We go to some bar in Trop that has karaoke. We have decided that Anna's boyfriend is named Jim or maybe John or maybe Steve. Truth be told we don't know his name. I buy 6 shots of Soco n lime for me Matt, Mike and 3 of the girls. These 6 shots and a beer cost me $41. I have trouble getting my shot down. This is going to be bad.

2:30 am- I have decided the book of karaoke songs has wronged me in some way so I throw it every chance I get. I also throw pencils at people including those singing. This leads to Dariah and Danielle scolding me. Danielle is the worst.

3:00 am- My sister is pissed at me and talking to some bald guy. Mike wants to fight him. I encourage him not to. We are hardcore hitting on any girl that will talk to us. It's not going well. My sister has told them all awful things and they all think we are awful. Matt has signed us up to sing Don't Stop Believing.

4:00 am- We leave the bar and Mike, Matt and me decide we need to eat. We go to a diner inside the casino. Mike has a bacon burger with A1 sauce. I have a Reuben and we all have beers. We are passed drunk and basically at train wreck status. We try to get the girls to eat with us or stay at Trop with us but they go back to Harrah's. They hate us because we are awful. The new list looks like this.

1. Cassie Donna and Michelle. Michelle has vaulted up the list because in my vodka soaked brain I figured I had a 7% chance of hooking up with her. Cassie has the number 1 spot on permanent lock so the best Michelle can do is a tie.

3. Leslie- she does nothing of consequence so she stays at 3. There is no 2 since there's a tie at 1.

4. Dariah because I am still afraid of her.

5. Amy. Amy has an insane Boston accent. I didn't know this because Amy didn't say 3 words to me all night. She's at 5 however because everyone else is below her to make a point.

6. Danielle. Still awful.

7. Anna and Borat. Tie for last due to Anna having a boyfriend and Borat standing up for her in this regard. I'm a vicious dictator with this list.

5:00 am. We think the girls are asleep but really they are at Harrah's partying. Except my sister who is passed out. Matt is lying in his bed. Mike and I are scouring the phonebook for escorts. We are unreasonably drunk. We price out 4 different escort services and decide they cost WAY too much money. We then walk around for an hour and realize there's lots of prostitutes in AC. We are very please the next day that we didn't pay anyone for sex because "that's a slippery slope to go down". I'm pretty sure I never plan on paying somebody for sexual services.

6:15 am- Matt leaves with my dad. Mike and I pass out.

10:30 am. Mike and I wake up. My cold has reached epic proportions. I would trade my first born child for a Gatorade because I am so hung-over. Mike and I decide on a plan of action that includes showers and the purchase of Gatorade. I shower and go to find Gatorade.

10:55 am. I offer some man in the elevator $5 for his vitamin water. After determining I was serious he accepts my offer and claims it was a lucky $5 so he must go bet it. I wish him good luck and tell him to bet it on black.

11:00 am. Trop has a store that sells just hats, one that sells crystal figurines and one that sells spy equipment. They don't however have one that sells Gatorade. I purchase 2 vitamin waters for $4.80 total. The irony is not lost on me.

11:15- Mike and I are all packed and ready to leave. We then spend 10 minutes looking for his keys. We tear the room apart which is hard because the room already resembled a whore house on a Sunday. We finally realize we valet parked the car so they had the keys. We are morons. Mike forgets his wallet in the room and we have to walk back up there to get it after finally leaving. We are messes.

11:45- 5pm- We play poker at Trop. I eat the worst wrap ever created and get a 10 minute massage from an Asian woman. Mike loses all his money and has to watch me for the last 90 minutes or so. I buy in for $100 and cash out for $384. There isn't one hand worthy of retelling. My sister texts me and is no longer upset with me. She has also won at poker. My winnings have paid for my entire weekend plus some. Great success!

5:10 Mike and I eat at the cleanest McDonalds ever. I remember I don't like Big Macs after ordering a Big Mac. We laugh ridiculously. Mike makes a joke about Leslie that I won't repeat. He also says "I've never had a girl with a tongue ring". I tell him it's the most overrated thing ever. "Go get a fork and rub it on your dick, that's what it feels like." Mike almost has a seizure from laughing so hard. We start our journey. I'm driving.

7 pm- We are 5 minutes from Staten Island. Mike has slept for over an hour. I make him drive the last 20 minutes and I pass out. I am still popping cold pills like they are altoids. We also conclude Matt Mcnicol makes the weirdest mix cds ever.

7:30 pm- I arrive home to my family and 4 PSU girls eating dinner. I don't fall asleep. I regal my parents with stories of the weekend. I need to go get contacts for tonight since there is another night of drinking. My cold has reached full heights and makes me wish I was dead.

10:30 pm- I'm dressed, new Met hat and fresh pair of Nikes. This makes me happy. Yes I wear hats to bars. I drive 6 girls who have been pre-gaming in my house to Rhythm and Brews. It looks crowded.

11:00 pm- I drive back home to pick up my friends. Lenzo, Frisc and Mike have been playing one on one beer pong for 2 hours or so. They aren't quite sober. We go to the bar and it is indeed packed. Mike and I are having beers. Lenzo, Frisc and our friend Scott have decided to pound mixed drinks. I don't see this as a problem. They would buy a round each and whoever finished first would berate the other 2 until they finished. Competitive drinking never ends well.

12:00 pm- The band isn't terrible. I have had 2 beers and a few Jell-O shots. The shots are quite small but in celebration of my sister's birthday we buy lots. The hot blonde Jell-O shit girl remembers me from high school. This isn't strange. People remember me all the time even if I don't remember them. Mike and I proceed to buy approximately 40 Jell-O shots from her and the other girl throughout the course of the night. I also steal at least 5 more. This is common behavior for me. I enjoy stealing Jell-O shots because they are a rip off. Scott thinks he has hooked up with the hot blonde shot girl before. Throughout the course of the night he tells me this fun fact 14 times. I counted. Scott is very drunk.

12:30 Mike and I take turns hitting on Cassie Donna. She's encouraging the tap the beer bottle game that leads to it overflowing. This is a bad game. She later switches to drinking out of a pitcher. This combined with 3 other facts has led to me falling in love with her. Danielle, Leslie, Dariah and Michelle had all decided to go home that morning. I have forgotten to mention this fact earlier. They have been replaced with Veronica's bff Natalie. Natalie hates me and the feeling is mutual. I consider trying to get Scott to hook up with her so I can make fun of her for it at a later time.

1 am- Natalie is busy puking in the bathroom. This leads to Amy and Cassie to take care of her the entire time. I hate Natalie. I do however agree to take her home when she finished puking. I don't order any more beer so that I don't leave a ½ finished beer at the bar to take her home. I instead do lots of Jell-O shots, some free some paid for.

1:30 am- I eat 3 sliders and orgasm in my mouth. Borat and my sister immediately order them for themselves.

1:45 am- I tell my cousin I am too old for bars this crowded.

2:30 am. Natalie has finally finished puking. I wish I was making this up. She literally was in there dry heaving for over an hour. Cassie, Amy and I walk her to the car. I resist the temptation to leave her with the drunkest guy there in the hopes he would take her home. Sometimes I'm too nice of a guy. I drive home 20 mph the entire time because the sharp turns make Natalie queasy. Her hand is on my shoulder the entire time. I'm pretty sure she burns a hand mark in my shoulder since she is from hell and all.

2:45 am- Natalie is puking in my bathroom. Veronica has secured a ride home for her and her remaining friends. This is good news to me. The other girls get changed in my room and Amy yells at me for trying to sneak peaks while she does this. I tell her she's the first girl to ever be naked in my room so I couldn't miss it. Cassie tells me I am lying because Veronica tells them I get girls apparently. If my sister is going to lie she can at least lie and say I'm rich with a big penis. I hate her at this point. The other girls return and I go back to R+B to pick up my friends. I tell Cassie when we get married that Natalie isn't invited.

3:00 am. I walk back into the bar and Lenzo is asleep at the bar. Apparently he got into an argument with the bartender over a shot. Details are sketchy at best. Lenzo is the drunkest one and there is a fierce competition for number 2. I am sick and driving and hate everyone.

3:05- 3:45 am. We drive Scott home who can't live any further away. We pull over 6 times for Matt to puke and he never does. He does repeatedly try to get out of the car and lay down on the sidewalk. I hate everyone at this point. When we do get to Scott's house Matt lays down in the street. Scott proceeds to give me directions to the highway. He repeats them 7 times. Scott is a drunken repeater. We struggle to get Lenzo in the car. He makes me talk to his girlfriend and tell her he's ok. I don't know why this is even in question. It takes us 10 minutes to drive 5 blocks because Lenzo makes me pull over and finally does puke; a lot. He then tries to walk home because "I used to live over here I know where I am." I tell him he's 10 miles from his house and to get the fuck in the car. I hate Matt Lenzo at this point. Frisc and I are throwing him in the car. Mike has been asleep for 20 minutes and is now snoring. Lenzo finally passes out on top of Mike.

4:00 am- I drop Lenzo off at his house not his car because even though it is only 5 blocks it would be the most dangerous 5 block drive in the history of automobiles. I drop Mike and Frisc off at Frisc's house. I get home and are ready for bed.

4:05 am- I get a call from Mike Williamson. He can't find his keys and thinks they are in my car and I need to come back. I hate my life. The keys aren't in there. I now have to drive Mike home.

4:15- I go to bed in my sisters bed because 6 drunk girls are passed out in my room. If my sister was a better friend to me one of the 6 would be sleeping in the bed with me.

4:30 Frisc has found Mike's keys somehow. Mike walks back to Frisc's house to get them stopping for a bacon and egg first. He then walks back home leaving his car at Frisc's for absolutely no reason whatsoever. This is probably a good move because anyone who forgets they have a car at a house is probably too drunk to drive it anyway.

The final Rankings of all Penn State girls.

1. Cassie Donna- we already have preliminary wedding plans

2. Anna- because god forbid I was mean to her and she wouldn't let us come visit at Penn State.

3. Michelle- still 7% the way I figure. Plus she used to own the ferret

4. Leslie- Mike's line about Leslie which I will not repeat was one of the funniest things ever.

5. Amy- would be higher but she talked with that awful accent early in the morning.

6. Mary and Dariah- Mary because she is a good sport about the Borat jokes and Dariah; well you already know why.

7. Danielle- because she is of course the worst.

8. Natalie- not a Penn State girl but throw up face deserves a spot on the list.

Nick Punto Facts

2009-10-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

Derivative of Tim Tebow and Matt Weiters Facts which are rip-offs of Chuck Norris facts.
This blog was inspired by Joe Friscia who came up with the first one.
And dedicated to Patrick whose irrational hatred of Nicholas Punto is ultimately the sole reason for this blog.

Nick Punto's favorite song is Free Bird and he, Denard Span, Jason Kubel, and Ron Mahay listen to it before every game, expect on Thursdays they listen to Notorious Thugs

Nick Punto handles the bat well

In fact he is the greatest .223 hitter ever.

Nick Punto’s lack of gold gloves is the most egraious error in major sports voting history since
Eric Crouch somehow won a Hesiman.

Nick Punto knows Pi to the 17th numeral.

Nick Punto’s mom makes a mean Strawberry Rhubarb.

Nick Punto invented i-tunes.

Nick Punto was retrospectively the inspiration for both Bull Durham and the Natural.

Nick Punto’s high score on brickbreaker is 19 million.

Nick Punto has spent -$145 on women in bars. Women buy HIM drinks.

Tim Tebow calls Nick Punto for advice.

Derek Jeter wishes he had Nick Punto’s little black book.

The church of Nick Punto is the 6th largest organized religion in the United States.

Nick Punto eats pennies and shits quarters

Nick Punto wrote season’s 2 and 4 of The Wire.

Nick Punto won the NFL’s Punt Pass and Kick competition in the 10 year old division when he was 7.

The only adjective to describe him is Puntoesque.

Nick Punto is the prefferred producer for Slaughterhouse.

Nick Punto found AJ Sunday morning and woke him up and walked him home.

Nick Punto can raise and lower his cholesterol at will.

Nick Punto ALWAYS shoots from the naked tees and never misses.

Nick Punto is the Knicks 12th man.

Nick Punto has never played basketball.

Canadian was going to rename itself Puntoland but Nick advised against it because he is so modest.

Nick Punto could have made Joe Friscia’s birthday fun.

Nick Punto invented McSorley’s.

Nick Punto is Jessica Alba’s actual baby daddy.

And he broke up with Megan Fox for being “too crazy”

Nick Punto has won 12 ESPY’s

Analysis of the anger reached during drinking games

2009-09-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

Thursday and Friday morning I woke up in LBI and both mornings Mike and I looked at each other and apologized for arguing the night before. Neither one of us could remember what had made us so upset and we both vowed to never play the drinking game we had played the night before that we agreed had made us so angry. That is the inspiration for this blog.

You see under the right conditions drinking games can be tremendous fun for all involved. In fact I hate those people under the age of 30 who “don’t do drinking games”. Congrats you are basically telling everyone you either hate fun or have a massive alcohol problem and can’t be bothered to stop drinking long enough to be told to drink by another person.
However drinking games can end badly. What starts out as fun can end terribly. The following is my ranking of all the drinking games I know and the likelihood of them ending with anger.

11. Flip Cup- This barely counts. Flip cup can hardly even qualify as a drinking game and nobody ever gets angry because it takes 100 games of flip cup to get drunk and only girls play it. On a scale of 1 to Vinny Ungotz this is a 1

10. Buzz- Buzz requires too much intellect to get angry. Only people who are mathematically illiterate get angry during this game. On a scale of 1- Ungotz this is a 1.5

9. Beer pong. Conventional 2 on 2 or 3 on 3 non-matchup beer pong is a relatively safe game. The drinking is in moderation and other than routinely hitting cups there is no way to force any person to drink an excessive amount. The only people who get angry after beer pong are me and my overly competitive asshole friends. On the scale of 1 to Ungotz this is a 3.

8. Ride the bus- Ride the bus is dangerous because poor luck can lead to never ending drinking. I once seen Mike drink for every potential drinking card except 3, walk outside of R+B and yack 7 feet from the front door. This is a 4 on the 1 to Ungotz scale.

7. Asshole- We are starting to get into the danger zone. Asshole allows players to make other people drink and alliances are formed and vendettas started. Empty cardboard boxes are worn as clothing and friends are lost. The only saving grace is the pace of the game forces people to move quickly and fortunes can rise and fall easily. On the scale from 1 to Vinny Ungotz this is a 5.

6. Baseball beer pong- As far as I am concerned this is a completely separate game from conventional beer pong. I won’t even listen to arguments about this. The problem with this game is that the drinking can be endless. A hot team can torture their opponents by repeatedly hitting shots and forcing them to drink with seemingly no chance at revenge in sight. Sean and I played a one inning game against Mike and P-west on Wed night because we NEVER made an out in the 2nd inning and they just gave up at life rather than continue playing. 6 on the Ungotz scale. If played one on one then it is a 75 on the Ungotz scale.

5. Kings- I know what you are saying. Joe; Kings isn’t a bad drunk game its fun. Not if you play
with my friends. It is a violent and spiteful game where those who pick a King hold all the power and make rules that benefit themselves and those who make lame rules are ridiculed and seconds are given out like syphilis and Hofstra. Kings is bad, trust me. I once had to wear a box on my head to keep my sister from crying. This is despite the fact that current variation of Kings is a layup version compared to how we used to play years ago. In fact Joseph Friscia refuses to play the current way because it is not the destructive life hating version that used to fill our time. Kings is a 7 on the 1- Ungotz scale. Old version was like a 34.

4. Fuck the Dealer- the title says it all. All you need to know about your intention towards your friend dealing is repeat the title. Compound this with the fact we used to blatantly cheat and you have a game that led to Partch and Sal dying on multiple occasions. The CORRECT way of playing aka Acey Deucy is so terrible you can only start playing if you have a BAC over 1.1 because no sober person would ever consider doing any such thing. 8 on the 1 to Ungotz scale.

3. War- war for drinks, low card drinks every time. There is nothing fun about this game. It was created to get both parties intoxicated to the point of violence. Needless to say P-west, Sean and I played this for over an hour after Mike passed out from the aforementioned baseball game. 9 on the Ungotz scale.

2. Up the River down the River- each game lasts about 20 minutes. Quite possibly more drinking per card than any of the previous 9 games. At the conclusion of the first game I got so angry at Mike for what I perceived as “too much delight” in getting me to push that I smacked all the cards off the table in his direction. This combines all the bad elements of every other game including rules that mandate certain cards require drinking, alliances and personal vendettas and a ridiculous end game that can go on forever if you get unlucky. This is a solid 10 on the Ungotz scale.

1. The Chachi Bullo game- here is all the explanation you need. “I walked into Chach’s basement and Chach and another kid were rolling dice, flipping a coin and just yelling at one another” The game has never not been exactly how it was first described to me by P-West. On a scale of 1 to Vinny Ungotz it is an Ungotz, the highest rating possibly on the scale.

Things that make me happy

2009-08-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

Work sucks...unequivically. I need to stay positive.

Things Joe Loves 8-19-09 version

Have You Ever Seen the Rain?- Creedance Clearwater Revival

Mike is officially closing his internet explorer at this moment.
Some one told me long ago, theres a calm before the storm.

Take me Home Country Road- John sunshine on my freaking ass Denver

What can I say I love hicks. I played this song at work last week and my co-worker Hecky who is from Kosovo was singing along at his cube. I asked him how he knew this song and he told me "it is on citizenship test"

3 points the old fashioned way

I had 2 of these tonight I think.

Days where it doesn't rain and is under 90 degrees.

We had 3 of these this summer. Somebody tell me why I haven't moved to San Diego yet?

Funny Blogs not self serving blogs

In other words, not this one.

Flopping sets against an overpair

Its a beautiful thing. It leads to moneys like nuts.

Go Go Gadjet

10 days until we see them in LBI. Speaking of...

LBI

3 days of utter destruction and debaucery. A bunch of dudes acting like they are still in college even though the average age is 25.

Blue Moons by the fire with my dad

self explanatory.....

Why I hate the Yankees and other misconceptions about Mets fans.

2009-07-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Being a Met fan is akin to being a wrongfully incarcerated 135 pound prisoner at Oz only your older brother is the head of the coolest and biggest gang and you routinely get raped by him and the other inmates and spend your whole life wondering what you did to deserve this.

Dramatic much? You try watching Alex Cora bat leadoff for the last month. We just got swept by the Yankees and Phillies and both fan bases can go fuck themselves because this current Mets lineup would have trouble scoring runs at Triple-A let alone the major league level.

However this blog isn’t about bitching about the Mets. That’s what real life is for. This blog is about clearing up some misconceptions about Met fans.

W We hate the Yankees because we are jealous of their success. While I can’t speak for EVERY Met fan I can speak for myself. I rooted for the Yankees in 96 and if the Yankees ever played the Phillies in the World Series I would root for the Yankees, right after I tried to blow up the stadium and drink a bottle of Drano. My hatred of the Yankees started in about 1998. The Mets were starting to become relevant, interleague play was starting and all of a sudden a Mets Yankees rivalry was born. You MUST choose sides because the worst parts of hell are reserved for those who remain neutral during times of conflict.

However it was more than just side choosing. Yankee fans took the Mets newfound success as a personal threat to them. Suddenly the Mets and Yankees couldn’t both be good, the Yankees were the best and the Mets sucked and I suddenly sucked for liking them.

Now when I talk about Yankee fans I hate realize I am not talking about TRUE Yankee fans that love and support their team. The ones who remember Kevin Maas and don’t buy the jerseys with the names on the back and miss old Yankee stadium. Those people are ok in my book (unless they are incredibly obnoxious). Mike Williamson is a good example of this. However when a team is as successful as the Yankees they acquire a lot of bandwagon jumpers. Those are the worst types of fans; their ignorance is only exceeded by their arrogance. They believe the Yankees SHOULD win the World Series every year because they had won it every year since they started liking the Yankees and they wear the jerseys with names on the back because they don’t know any of the player’s numbers and they just suck at life in general. These are the worst type of fans of ANY team but living in NY and the Yankees being the best team alive for 5 years I have encountered many of those people and I hate them.

Also realize something; the Yankees are EVERONE’s least favorite team. The Yankees truly are the evil empire. Any real baseball fan will hate the Yankees. It’s a combo of their success and their arrogance and their inflated payroll. If I lived in fucken Kansas City I would hate the Yankees second most after whoever my biggest rival was (St. Louis?). Living here in N.Y has just brought my hatred to another level because I am surrounded by them. But Yankee fans trust me on this you guys are the most universally hated team in baseball edging the Red Sox narrowly.

Readjustment to society

2009-06-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

I am home, no worse for the wear. I'm like Brooks in Shawshank, I highly doubt my ability to adjust back into society. At least a society where drunk people don't walk around with axes and the 4 food groups are chicken, beef, eggs and beer. I am unfamiliar with this world even though I inhabited it a mere 72 hours ago. To be fair another day or 2 and I would probably explaining to my parents and local police what happened to their house. This is probably better.

Things I will want to remember for next week and next year and next 10 years.

1. Ginochi (BTB I have no clue how to spell that, my Italian American card was just taken away)

Apparently in real life it is a food. In upstate world it meant anything. Any noun could be ginochi. It could be used multiple times in one sentance each time referring something different. For instance; "Ehh Yo you stupid Ginochi, throw the Ginochi ball already". It was used repeatedly all weekend. 100 times is underestimating the actual number, 200 is a safe guess, 300 is not out of the realm of possibility.

"Throw the frozen Chicken at the Ginochi"

2. Saint Frangeli

My mom has a statue of St. Joseph holding baby Jesus in my house upstate. This was owned by my great grandmother the most overtly religous person I ever met. My mother also has a bottle of Fragelo upstate. This 2 items were combined (not literally) to form St. Frangelli.

St. Frangelli had a beer in his hand most of the weekend. He also sometimes had a brownie on his sword. Thats when Mio wasn't using the sword to battle god knows what.

St. Frangelli came everywhere. He watched us play wiffleball, beer pong and make fires. He was the patron saint of wiffleball, fires, upstate, the river, beer pong and masturbation. You were not allowed to masturbate when St. Frangelli was in the room. Sometimes he would sit in your room aand stare directly at you while you slept to make sure you weren't masturbating.

3. Do not allow the use of an ax for drunk men surronded by other drunk men. Much like throwing a ball, there is no proper action but to swing an ax and chop something if it is in your hands. My parents property upstate has 1% less trees now and 100% less stumps in front of the house.

Also be carefull about letting 3 VERY drunk retards take the ax across a fast moving river to chop down a tree on the other side. A tree 15 feet up a dirt mountain that was approx an 84 degree angle. Thank ST. Frangolli nobody got hurt.

4. Pollie is smarter than we realized.

"Your dad's a priest asshole"
"My dad's a preacher dick"
'Yea well they're both tax exempt"

5. No matter how hard I try I will never be able to equal Frisc's man burgers. I've come to terms with this.

6. Jumping off a bridge is no less scary the 3rd year you do it.

7. If there are 6 beds available the first 3 people to fall asleep will fall asleep on a combined 2 couches. This is indisputable.

8. My friends answer to every fire related problem is either "more paper" or gasoline.

9. Death makes everyone more likeable, Michael Jackson is a borderline saint now. But fuck the man did make Thriller so hes teflon in my book.

10. Absinthe. I did 2 shots, I did not see anything crazy so that was dissapointing. However Absinthe was part of the reason I was more fucked up Friday night than I have been in the last 4 years. Fucked up is different than drunk. I've been drunker than Friday night but Friday I was FUCKED UP. Fucked up is not just a lame fraternity term to describe the latest rush party. Its the only 2 words in human language to describe my state of being Friday night.

Plus Absinthe can't be too bad because I texted my friend from the Phillipines to ask her to get me some( and she responded!).

Now I am home and its after midnight and I am wondering when I am going to play beer pong and eat food cooked by a fire and hear Mio yell complete nonsense. Theres always next year.

Upstate=

2009-06-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

I have taken a break from www.textsfromlastnight.com to blog for June. I am not P-West, months without a blog are unacceptable.

However that doesn't mean I will write about anything interesting or relevant. I cannot wait until I am famous so that my blogs can be elaborate inside jokes only funny to 23 people.

8 days from today is upstate.

Upstate is a shit show.

Upstate ruins lives.

Upstate leads to conversations like this..

"I can't wait to jump off the bridge...." "If all your friends are jumping off the bridge does that mean you have to?" "Yes"

Upstate leads to drinking.

Upstate leads to everyone on earth being invited even though there is only 5 beds and a couch.

Upstate leads to 500+ beers drinking and discussions on whether or not 2 kegs and 200 beers would be better suited for the weekend.

Upstate means 6 pounds of bacon and 6 dozen eggs.

Upstate leads to the decision to take a Monday off not because you are still upstate but to give you a day to recover.

Upstate is LBI on steroids.

Upstate is the worlds biggest wiffleball game and a 6 team 2 on 2 bocci tournament.

Upstate is "How many cups do we need?" "a shitload" "300?" "more"

Upstate is sleeping on a rock or in your car or in a raft.

Upstate is beer castles and man burgers.

Upstate is vodka by the lemonade.

Upstate is broken tubes and enjoying nature on the rock.

Upstate is the same songs over and over again for the 5th straight year

Upstate will include more Michael Jackson songs this year than any previous year.

Upstate is rafting, with or without a raft.

Upstate is Lord of the Flies on acid.

Upstate is going out to the rock to enjoy nature.

Upstate is homo-erotic to say the least.

Upstate is food revolves around fire.

Upstate has included me headbutting glass screens.

Upstate is afraid to cross the middle against Pollie ina touch football game.

Upstate is a poor bed to person ratio.

Upstate is what I've been looking forward to for weeks.

My Desk

2009-05-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

My Desk is where I spend 50% of my work day. 40% is spent wandering around my office and 10% is outside of my office purchasing food and coffee.

I have the smallest desk of any Assistant Director of Admissions at the Art Institute of NY. It is a tiny desk located inside a cubicle in the back office on the first floor of 11-17 Beach street. My office is called "the suite". This was a name given to it before I started here and its origins are unknown by anyone who works here.

Despite its size and the lack of windows in my general area my desk is in a highly desired location. This is because we have more microwaves than managers back here. (1-0). Anyone who has ever worked in an office will tell you that the phrase "out of sight out of mind" is the most optimal working conditions. My co-workers from "the front" lobby and politic and bitch and beg and plead to sit back here and every once and while one of them is relocated back here.

To top off my good fortune I am surrounded by people I either like or tolerate. This is extremely rare in a workplace setting because most people are stupid and I hate everybody.

My desk area itself is exactly as you would picture it if you have ever been in my room more than 3 times. Instead of clothes everywhere there are papers everywhere. We get these sheets of paper called "NSR" sheets. We get these sheets 3 times a week and every time we get a new one the old ones are completely useless and outdated. Needless to say I have approximately 10 of these on my desk at any given time taking up space.

It is also filled with new student sheets and lists of students that are in triplicate. Basically my desk represents the needless destruction of the rain forest.

At any given time my desk will have a half empty soda/snapple/water/gatorade bottle (currently cherry coke).

I have 4 ID badges on my desk but only one of them includes a picture of me.

I have an i-home Kara purchased for me.

I have a copy of Downtown Owl by Chuck Klosterman.

I have a copy of Watchmen.

I have a box of business cards and a cup of change that is mostly pennies.

The papers I deem important enough to hang up in plain site are.....

a list of phone extensions from 8 months ago that requires me to remember who used to do what job and who used to sit at what desk if I want to call the right person.

Cancel code list, calendar of events and a holiday calendar.

I have 2 motivational self made signs, "stay positive" and "being a professional is doing your job on days when you don't want to"

I have 3 certificates of recognition from my boss. This is amazing to me.

That is the boring shit though.

I have 2 photos of Kara and Lesley, my only 2 friends here who both are not here. I like everyone else I work with but nobody else is "my friend". I miss my friends.

I have a picture of the front page of the Daily News after the Mets collapssed in 07.

I have the front pages of the News after the Giants NFC Championship and Superbowl wins. As you can see my desk is equal parts happiness and sadness.

I have a Pearls Before Swine calendar. Pearls Before Swine is one of only 5 newspaper comics that is actually funny. The other 4 being Get Fuzzy, Calvin and Hobbes, the Boondocks and Marmaduke.

I have 7 random old get Fuzzy calendar days that I have taped to my cube because I find them espescially amusing.

I have 2 notes from students thanking me.

I have a comic that has 2 characters conversing "Do you believe bad things happen to you for a reason?" "Yes...I'm stupid"

I have my phone which according to my bosses I don't use enough. However if you ask my sister, I call her too much.

I have the card Kara sent me from the DR.

I have 6 pens and 6 highlighters..

and an empty tupperware.

and 2 speakers attached to my computer.

and a slinky.

and a dyeing plant.

and a Brian Westbrook figurine.

My desk is where I spend the highest % of my week excluding my bed.

I hate my desk.

I have a Surprise Guest

2009-04-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

Every few weeks Mike Williamson will present me with the above statement. I will then ask who the surprise guest is and he will tell me and his answer will usually determine how likely I am to go out and drink. Now this list is not ranking how much I actually like the following people, just how excited I am if they are coming out to drink and how likely that will make me come out to drink.

Partch- 1. This would be higher except the average Partch hangout time is 35 minutes and its hard to get excited about 35 minutes even if that 35 minutes will include numerous gin and tonics or whatever old man drink Partch is into now. If Partch hung out for 3.5 hours then he would recieve a solid 6.

Sal- 5. Sal is Sal. He drinks Vodka and hits on every thing with a vagina and does Sal things. Sal things are a 5 out of 10. If Sal comes out, I want to be there. A 5 equals "I want to be there"( if I'm not deathly hungover or tired)

Mio- 6. This number would be higher except I probably seen Mio more over a certain period of time than some of the other people on the list. Plus the added Bonus that every time I see Mio theres a 17% chance I will get arrested. However I can't knock the man's hustle, when he is out and Carmina is not he acts like a 14th century Viking. I wish there was a stronger word for drunken rape and pillage. Not to mention theres a 7% chance he will try to purchase beer using a mailbox as currency.

Frisc- 7. I miss Frisc, I didn't see him for a long time. He is a HOF drinker and quite possibly the most underrated person humor wise. He is also the strangest person I know bar none. I try to go out and enjoy his company whenever possible because I don't know when I will get another opportunity to. Frisc is like Robert Horry. He does so many things well and is a key game saving cog on so many championship performances.

Paul- I'm just testing to see if you guys are paying attention. Paul never goes out.

Pollie- 8. If seeing Pollie smile doesn't make you happy then you are a bad person. I've seen him once in the last 2 months (GGG at Jenks) and it made me incredibly happy. Unfortunately I rarely ever see him anymore. This however may be a good thing because it means Pollie has turned his life around and is no longer getting drunk and punching holes in his bathroom wall naked.

P-West- 9. the inspiration for this blog. On Wednesday Mike convinced me to go out even though I had no interest because P-West was coming out. Then he pulled a Chase Budinger on us and withdrew his name from the draft. So there I was out and no P-West. Now even though he is not better than Wa-Wa or Chuck Klosterman I still look forward to every opportunity I can get to drink with Patrick. Unfortunately he likes to keep his life on shuffle and I rarely if ever get to see him. I think this is partly why he recieved such a high grade, because every time I drink with him may be the last forever. Not because he may die but because he could pick up and move to Bismark at any time and nobody would blink.

The Final 4 of people Joe likes with Guest blogger Mike Williamson

2009-04-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

The following is a blog written by Mike Williamson. Anything in italics are MY OWN comments. Anything non-italicized is written by Mike Williamson. He bugged me incesently about finishing this blog until I finally screamed "why don't you just write it?". After much prodding he finally agreed and the result is much better than anything I would have written.

Okay, enough…We get it, you want the blog finished. Add coming up with this blog on to the extensive list of reasons I should and do hate myself. So lets get to it. There are three matchups remaining in this dreadful. Mike-vs.-Wright and Kara-vs.-Megan Fox. Then the showdown of the winners will square of the “Championship” of my top 16. Mike is writing as if he were me. I think that is refferred to as the 4th person.

First will be the Battle of Mike verse David Wright

David Wright:

He is my favorite player on my favorite team. He is also the best player on my favorite team. These two things work in his favor. One of my sexual fantasies is to have fuck a girl from behind wearing a D-Wright Jersey, enough with the school girl or nurse shit give me a bitch in a Write (the first of about 47 misspellings) Jersey any day…preferably white so if I make a mess it blends in better. Given his age and contract and talent he is the best 3B to own in the major’s right now. Yes even better then A-Rod and his roided past along wit 757 million dollar contract. Below is a picture of him getting a game winning hit. I have a man crush on him. I want him on my waffle ball team, fantasy team, volley ball team, cranium, whateva god damn game u can think of I want him. This is all true btw.

This is not the original picture Mike posted but I could not find that one so I used this one.

Mike Williamson:

If people did not know, they would think Mike and myself were friends for years. This is not true, in fact he is one of my shortest tenured friends if you do not include the people I met through brews. As earlier stated, I can always count on Mike to drink. I don’t go on many vacations but Mike has given me a shore house to party at for at least a weekend each of the past few years (this year will be a week and weekend). Other then the attempted duck taping to the bed, this shore house has provided me with numerous hysterical memories. My friends for most part are picky. Mike for most part is not.(This is a lie, Mike routinely blows me off from any non-drinking related acivities to go do more fun stuff with his other friends) If I want to play cards, drink, shoot around, run, go to the mall, play a game chances are he will do it.(Mike doesn't know that theres 2 spaces after a period) Mike has got me back playing basketball. I love basketball. Mike and I experienced Preakness togethor. Below is Mike and I having fun. P.S. we are not sobar.

This WAS the picture Mike chose intially. It was easier to find than the David Wright one.

Winner: In a stunning upset Mike. I like to win and Mike has won me things. There have been beerpong games Mike has won me. I once bankrolled him in AC and he turned that into a decent profit for me. It can be said Mike has won us some basketball games this season by the default reason of noone else can do what he does and he isn’t even that good at it anymore. (Mike's ego is out of control)

DAVID WRIGHT WIN ME THE WORLD SERIES SO I CAN EDIT THIS BLOG AND YOU WIN.

Next will be the battle of Megan Fox against Kara Corrente.

Megan Fox:

Just in case you do not remember Megan Fox still looks like this

This was the pciture Mike chose and KUDOS Micheal for the inspired choice.

I am right now imagining that cherry is my penis. This is helping Megan Fox. (This is FACT)

Kara Corrente:

Kara does not look like that but Kara has body features that I would like to play with a cute face so that works too.

Lets list thing Kara does for me: (Mike is a liar, none of the sex related things he says here are true)
Makes me deserts. Had sex with me in college. Has sex with me now. I use to hate blowjobs, but Kara has a cool tongue trick and now I do not hate blow jobs .Drives me and my drunk friends around often. Gets food wit me a lot. Surprises me with many presents that for no real reason. She has conversations with me that I can not with most of my friends because my friends are not smart. Allow me to reiterate, Mike has fabricated all the sex related things in this blog because he is a liar and thats what he does.

Winner: In another huge upset. Kara

MEGAN FOX HAVE SEX WITH ME SO I CAN EDIT THIS BLOG AND YOU WIN.

p.s. Kara and me do not really have sex now. That was the only way I could use my imagination to convince me to allow her to beat Megan Fox and that picture of her. I fooled myself and it worked. Now Kara will not hurt me with her freakishly strong legs. (See even Mike admits he was fabricating for the sake of blog)

CHAMPIONSHIP

This is what we have all been waiting for. And for me I have been waiting to be finished so this is going to be short

Mike Williamson verse Kara Corrente. The two non immediate family members I see the most.

Mike-

He has a penis. (I think)

Kara-

She has a vagina. (I know)

For all of you who do not know I love to masterbate. It is two of my top 5 favorite things to do.

My top 5:
Masterbate
Basketball
Cards
Beerpong
Masterbate twenty minutes after the first time.

(This is 75% true)

Winner: Since I love to masterbate and I have seen Kara naked and been inside her, I can use this to my advantage while masterbating. Sorry Mike, you had a good run but you don’t get my load off. (This is so funny I won't even dispute its truth at all)

State of the Union

2009-04-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

Upcoming blogs (possibly today).

Why the Giants are more likely to acquire Braylon Edwards than Anquan Boldin.

The OMG ____ is coming out I have to come out chart.

The completion of the running tournament which is now longer than the actual March Madness. This one I actually gave Mike Williamson carte blanche to write it for me and I would post whatever he wrote and he still hasn't done it.

The second one will make more sense when I think of a better title.

The first one is a theory I have been developing for a year now and it is good to actuallyw rite about the Giants since the title of this blog is Giants related.

Rounding out the Final 4 of the longest running sweet 16 ever.

2009-04-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

Lets finish this up. I am already tired of this whole concept.

1. David Wright VS 4. My Dad

Lets be serious, if you asked my Dad who he liked more HE would answer David Wright.

WINNER= David Wright.

1. Jessica Alba VS 4. Kara Corrente

Jessica Alba still looks like this.

However my friendship with Kara is real as it includes REAL things like trips to Friendly's and watching football and discussing pop culture. My relationship with Jessica alba exists in that I've imagined we had one.

WINNER=Corrente in the biggest upsett to date.

Dear Coach K

2009-04-07T08:11:00.001-07:00

We will be taking a temporary break from our regularly scheduled program to write about sports, engage a legend in a letter writing campaign and overall piss off Sean.

Dear Coach K-

Congrats on another fine season of getting the most out of less than super talented group of kids. Congrats on winning the ACC tourney (your welcome btw) and my regards for the drubbing that Villanova handed you in the round of 16. However this is not to rehash this season but to look forward to the future.

The Duke-UNC rivalry is the best rivalry in all of American sports. The proximity coupled with the enormous success of both programs and the absolute hatred among the fan bases makes it a rivalry with no match. Even a less than stellar Duke squad will play UNC hard for 40 minutes and force them to earn every basket. However recently thats what we have been seeing, less than stellar Duke teams. Quite frankly, its not fun to root against Goliath when Goliath sucks. Ok sucks is a strong word. 99% of programs would kill for perinial sweet 16 appearances which you guys deliver( as long as you don't have to play Greg Maynor) as well as ACC titles seemingly every year.

However Duke is not just any program. There is a different set of expectations. It has been 8 years since your last national title. Six years since the last final 4 appearance. Meanwhile in that time UNC has won 2 national titles and made 3 Final Fours. How are we supposed to play the underdog when we constantly outperform you guys every year? If you guys don't improve people will look for a new team to hate and God forbid may start to hate UNC.

So please I am begging you, start recruiting athletes again. More Gerald Henderson and less Greg Paulus. The great Duke teams of my teenage years had Shane Battier, Corey Maggette, William Avery, Elton Brand and the best college basketball player I can remember; Jay Williams. Sure you had your usual array of Cobrai Kai resmebling white dudes (Hurley, Laettner, Dunleavy, Reddick) but they were flanked by athletic black guys who could lock down defend and dunk from the 2nd hashmark. What happened to those guys?

Not to mention the fact that you stopped recruiting in Alaska! Trajen Langden, Carlos Boozer, I thought it was mandatory for Mr. Alaska basketball to attend Duke. Why did Mario Chalmers go to Kansas? You don't think he was worth an extra round in the tourney as opposed to Greg Paulus from 05-07?

So please Coach K, please for the love of God start recruiting some ATHLETES (Seth Curry is whiter than Chase Budinger so he doesn't count). Acquire some players to can challenge the Danny Greens and the Ty Lawsons and the Rashard Mccants and the Raymond Feltons of UNC. Push us to be better. You are the Frazier to our Ali, the Bird to our Magic the Hillary Duff to our Lindsey Lohan. As much as it pains me to say it, we NEED you. We need you to be the best we can be. Not to mention its alot more fun beating Duke when they are the #1 team in the country and its senior night and the immortal David Noel and 4 freshman ruin JJ Reddick's life.

Sincerely,
Joseph Bisceglie

Round 2- People I like ALOT

2009-04-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

I am already tired of this tourney. This is why I never do blogs that require multiple posts; I lose interest quickly. I am going to try and plow through as many matchups today as possible. For those of you wondering how this is going to affect your brackets, its going to decimate them.

3. Megan Fox VS 7. Anna Valvo

For those of you who forget, Megan Fox looks like this....

PLUS shes in Tranformers. Plus she is now single. Plus we know she has low confidence because she used to date Brian Austin Green.

Anna does not look like that. However Anna is cute and her boyfriend is a nice guy named Rusty. Her aunt is also awesome. But Anna lives in CT and CT is the worst place ever.

WINNER= Megan Fox

6. Chuck Klosterman VS 7. Mike Williamson

Mike Williamson has been cranky lately. On Tuesday he cried at our basketball game because our ball movement was sub-par. On Saturday he sulked for 30 minutes because Sean accidently blocked his shot. This last week has not been a good week for Mike Williamson in this competition.

If Chuck Klosterman defeats both P-West and Mike then he will become public enemy #1 among my group of friends. Plus Downtown Owl wasn't all that good.

WINNER= Mike Williamson (God knows how)

Last set of Games for Round 1

2009-04-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

I have put off this blog for a multitude of reasons. There are the usual reasons; I'm lazy, and haven't felt like it and the unusual; I actually am afraid of the magnitude of this blog and how tough it will be to write. However on this rainy Friday afternoon I will script it as follows.

4. My Dad VS 5. Bill Simmons

Bill Simmons is my favorite sportswriter. I read everything he writes that I can get my hands on and I generally listen to every podcast unless I find the guest to be incredibly boring. He has probably brought me 2+ hours of happiness a week for the last 4 years. I wish I had read his advice on college when I was 18.

My Dad is phenominal. He gives me more good advice than any person ever. If i could go to a baseball game with any one person it would be him. He is my de-facto beer pong partner if he is out and willing to play Beer Pong. Since he gave birth to me he is indirectly responsible for all good things in my life (I realize by this logic he is also indirectly responsible for all bad thigns as well, bear with me). It was never a contest really.

WINNER=DAD

4. Kara Corrente VS 5. Loren Taylor

Just a note, theres a new person starting my job on Monday who is described as a cross b/w the 2 people listed above. If this is in fact true then this will become my new favorite person ever. Unless she has a mixture of all the bad qualitites of both then she will only be my 15th favorite person ever.

Loren Taylor is my defacto partner in all the stupid work trainings that we have to do. Loren Taylor thinks I am funnier than anyone else does. Loren is above average nice but has little patience for stupid people so we usually make fun of stupid people together. Loren is always cold. Loren is smart.

Kara is Kara and she made my borthday possibly the best one I have ever had. she organized the only surprise bday party I have ever had. She drives out to Staten Island to bring me chicken gyro guy. She buys me random presents. I have seen her naked. She tells everyone how awsome I am.

WINNER= sorry Loren, you unfortunately never had a shot...

WINNER= Kara

Day 2 of Round 1 of People Joe likes Blog

2009-04-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

Last nights contests seen a slew of upsetts. What do today's battles have in store for us?

3. Patrick Westrick VS 6. Chuck Klosterman

Patrick introduces himself as Pat sometimes instead of P-West. He is not in fact better than Wa-Wa http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=11812914&blogId=430448363

P-West rakes, he reads Kurt Vonnegut. His basketball game is akin to John Smith, he consistently settles. He went to Mardi Gras this year with nothing but a bookbag of clothes. He is taking a Saturday class this semester. The car always has to be in the spot. He makes me smile everytime I see him.

Chuck Klosterman is my favorite author who has penned my favorite book. He is the answer to the question what one person would I most want to have a drink with at a bar and shoot the shit. He has a horrendous haircut and a phenominal knowledge of pop culture. He sonned Bill Simmons on his most recent podcast (Simmons).

WINNER= Klosterman, P-west conceded defeat via Facebook last night.

3. Megan Fox VS 6. Martha Cotto

Martha Cotto is my Admissions Coordinator. She is phenominal at her job. She makes my life a hundred times easier. She is also phenominal at pool. Her being so great at her job has caused me to become infinitely lazier this quarter. She calls me Babe.

This is a picture of Megan Fox

WINNER= Megan Fox

Continuation of Round 1 of People I enjoy

2009-03-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am LOVING the controversy this blog is causing already. Controversy= 3 people who will remain unidentified (Kara, Veronica and Mike) who are pissed about their ranking or lack there of. On to the matchups

2. Matt Mcnicol VS 7. Mike Williamson

When Matt Mcnicol smiles the whole world smiles. He has the worlds most fantastic girlfriend. His wiffleball swing is the righthanded Griffey's. He is the only person I've ever met who hates more people than me. He once asked if he could bring chips to a tailgate and then brought one small bag, for everyone to share. He gets me free stuff.

If I call Mike Williamson and tell him I need to drink theres a 97% chance he says yes. This is at least double any other person in the entire world. Ask Mike Williamson who the best beer pong player he knows is and he will say "Bop". His questionable morals make me feel better about my not as questionable morals.

WINNER= Mike Williamson in our first upsett to date.

2. Sabrina Osami vs 7. Anna Valvo

Sabrina may be the smartest girl I know. She is one of my 3 favorite people in the world to talk to. She drives out to S.I to have sushi with me. She too has questionable morals that make me feel better about myself.

Anna is the nicest person I have ever met bar none. Anna has let me stay in her apartment at Penn State multiple times. Anna and I once had a 25 minute discussion about books on a bar tour. Anna is too classy to make out with me.

WINNER= Anna. Upsetts run rampant today. Penn State trumps the 4 times a year Sabrina comes to S.I.

Round 1 Joe's favorite people Tourney

2009-03-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

1. David Wright VS Aldwyn Lawerence

Aldwyn Lawerence is a mentor of sorts to me. He is one of the smoothest operators in the world. he is an excellent dresser. He consistently tells me "I don't understand why people go for second best when they can have first best". He is one of the 10 funniest people on earth intentionally and unintentionally.

David Wright practices opposite field hitting at 7 A.M with his puppy. David Wright's eyes are like the bermuda triangle, you just get lost in them. David Wright made one of the best catches in baseball history. David Wright is currently the best thirdebaseman in baseball. David Wright's girlfriend looks like this...

David Wright is the UNC of this tourney and this was his LSU game.

WINNER= David Wright

1. Jessica Alba VS 8. Angela Kopishke

Angela Kopishke knows me better than anyone. She is one of the few people in the world I can tell anything to. She has seen me naked and not laughed. She is one of the 5 smartest females I know. Quite possibly has more character than any other girl ever.

Jessica Alba looks like this

WINNER= Jessica Alba

A Blog with a positive Outlook

2009-03-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

In an attempt not to dwell on too much negativity I am following up my last blog with an immediate counter revolution. The Sweet 16 of people I like.

Mens side

1. David Wright VS 8 Aldwyn Lawerence

2. Matt Mcnicol VS 7. Mike Williamson

3. Patrick Westrick VS 6. Chuck Klosterman

4. Bill Simmons VS 5. My Dad

Women's Side

1. Jessica Alba vs 8. Angela Kopishke

2. Sabrina Osami vs 7. Anna Valvo

3. Megan Fox vs 6 Martha Cotto

4. Kara Corrente VS 5. Loren Taylor

In an attempt to bleed one decent idea into a series of 52 blogs I will leave this as is for now. Feel free to vote for your favorite Joe's favorite person, not that it matters because this will go completely based on my whims.

Things I hate March 30th edition

2009-03-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

Writing a things I hate entry is so stereotypical blog like that it is gross. Blogs love hating on stuff. However I have been hating things since before the word blog was an acceptable term in the American language. I hated ties and Ray Handley and losing as a kid. However as an adult my list of hates has expanded.

People who join the group "we won't pay for facebook". Please stop being retarded. They will never charge for Facebook; stop giving into the hype. Other groups I am looking to start that I am SURE retarded people will join; "Join this group to keep Mayor Bloomber from charging us to walk on the widewalk". "Join this group to keep Obama from supporting an air tax"

Besides startng a Facebook group has never solved anything. The layout changes every 6 months and everyone hates it everytime and joins groups like "One Million strong against the new Facebook" (which usually only have about 4,000 people in them). Everytime the layout changes people immediately miss the old one. Joining a facebook group has not saved an endangered species, changed K-rock back to rock and roll music or stopped the genocide in a foreign country. You are retarded if you think it will.

People who say "You have to..."

To quote Charles barkley "As a black man all I HAVE to do is pay taxes and stay black"

So realize you don't HAVE to pick A-rod in your fantasy baseball draft, you don't HAVE to make a terrible call in poker and you don't HAVE to do anything. You have free will, make your own fucken decisions and stop doing what you think is mandated by some inane set of unwritten laws.

People who call you up and tell you all about their fantasy baseball team at work. The season hasn't started EVERYONES team looks good. Talk to me in July Justin, I mean random person who I am writing about.

People who take more than 2 minutes to make a pick at a live fantasy draft. Make a fucken pick, its not a mortgage, its a selection of what baseball player you guess will have the best season for the next 6 months. Truth be told it doesn't even fucken matter because if he sucks you can cut him and pick up a better quality player.

Meetings

Every Tuesday at 10 am my office has a meeting. I cannot think of a bigger waste of time than these meetings. They last anywhere from one to two hours and basically cause most of my co-workers to act like fidgity little 6 year olds or naricistic, love to hear the sound of their own voice windbags.

Our average Tuesday meeting consists of 20 minutes of Kudos which everyone knows already because we have recieved 15 emails about how everyone has been doing so far. We then go through a variety of topics that never change so every week we are given the same information that everyone knows and never changes. I don't care about our events, scholarship competitions or overdue deadlines. They were the same for the last 5 weeks. Then we usually get chewed out for 30 minutes about how we aren't doing enough. Lastly theres the biggest waste of time ever which is 15 minutes of training done by two of us. We have been doing this for over a year and about 6 months ago everyone gave up on making it informative and instead aimed to make it amusing. What a fucken waste of time.

Any bar that doesn't have some kind of drink special or above average entertainment. What then Brei Bear is supposed to entice me to coming to your bar? Make it $3 Bud lights, 2 for one kamikaze shots, fuck make it anything. Just make me feel like I am getting a good deal.

Ultimate Day of Eating

2009-03-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

My little brother and his friends did an "Ultimate Day of Eating" yesterday. It went as follows.

Breakfast- I-Hop
Lunch- Beyers Deli for sandwhiches
Snack- Crave case from White Castle
Dinner- Planet Wings

This was a solid repitoire. However as a food connissour and general fat ass I think I can do better. So I present to you the REAL ultimate day of eating.

Breakfast- Golden Nugget Diner Chicago, Illinois.

I'm still not sure what I would get but it would probably be some combo of the icecream waffle with scrambled eggs rye toast and bacon on the side. This is literally the only place on earth where EVERY item on the menu is fantastic with a side of spectacular.

Brunch- Tacks/Wo-Hop/ Mysterious chinese food place Mike gets, NYC

Chinese food isn't brunch you say? Well I say fuck you. Also notice how we have flown from Chicago to New York. Just assume for the sake of this blog that teleportation is possible and makes you hungry.

We would have Wo-hop rice, boneless spare ribs from that place that Mike gets all the time and and shrimp lo-mein and chicken and brocelli from Tacks.

Lunch- Rizzo's Pizza Astoria, New York

Nothing too big, maybe only 3 or 4 slices, square NOT sicilian. Its a good thing we have the teleportation device because parking is a bitch on Steinway street. Now many of you I am sure have a pizza place that you swear is better and taste in Pizza is a matter of opinion, just realize however that if your opinion on this topic differs from mine than your opinion is WRONG.

Linner- R U Hungry State College Pennsylvania

I like this choice for 2 reasons. First is that we have invented a meal between Lunch and Dinner for those people who can't make it 5 hours without eating. Secondly I have pissed off Dariah and everyone else who went to PSU who insists you can't eat R U Hungry unless you are smashtown drunk ever. I would order the Fat Phillippino sandwhich which is

cheese steak, chicken fingers, 2 mozzarella sticks, gyro meat, white sauce. Plus a side of Mac n Cheese bites. I dont know for certain but I am fairly certain by this point I will have had a heart attack and passed away. If I manage to survive however...

Dinner- Mr. Kim makes me sushi.

Mr. Kim was the owner/chef of a sushi place in the Staten Island Mall. It was one half sushi bar one half food by the pound (not to be confused with beers by the beer).

Despite his humble settings Mr. Kim was perhaps the finest sushi chef created. The man created Spicy Tuna symphonies. He was the Mozart of rice and seaweed. Unfortunately he closed his business thus leaving me with no suitable sushi options since. For the purposes of this blog however he is coming out of retirement to prepare me

One spicy Tuna roll, One salmon skin roll, One lobster roll, one plate mixed sashimi and one piece Ikura.

Dessert- Friendly's any of the thousands of locations throughout the United States.

Banana split with Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry icecream. What can I say I am a traditionalist? Topped with whipped cream oreo crumbs, hot fudge and a cherry. Thats whats up.

Late Night Snack- Chicken Gyro Rice Platter guy 53rd and 6th New York, NY

Combo platter, extra white sauce, no lettuce. If you don't know what I am speaking of than may God have mercy on your eternal soul because you have led a deprived life on this earth.

First Post

2009-03-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

This is the first post of the 3rd blog series I have engaged in. Because I am lazy and because most of my best stuff is on there I will occasionally repost old Myspace blogs in this space.

Why have I switched? P-west told me to months ago and because I am tiring of Myspace. It is not a user friendly blog system. This will be the new go to space for my every few months thoughts which will hopefully come more frequently.

So what will this blog be like? For those of you who have been around since the xanga days and remember it, it will be the exact oposite of that. It will be alot like Myspace but hopefully with more sports related entries.

The name of this blog is Brandon Jacobs=Beast.

Brandon Jacobs is actually a Lycan

Notice the similarities.

I would like to take credit for first noticing this but actually Joe Friscia did. I am mad I did not notice however I have realized the list of Lycans does not end at B-Jake.

Justin Tuck

Is it just limited to NY Football Giant players? I am glad you asked new blog reader. The answer to your question is no, no it isn't.

She has super strong legs and an incredible ability to eat. She also has trouble comprehending most human concepts. Final verdict? Lycan

Those are the known Lycans on earth. I encourage my readers to suggest other possibilities.

So far I have considered.

Lebron James (explains his freakish physical abilities)

Takeo Spikes (has no traps, ask Sean)

Matt's dog white fang (go to Lander ave, house with the bread truck and try to walk in, all the explanation you need)

Adam Dunn (lycans have difficulty hitting for average)

Quinton Rampage Jackson (sometimes a picture explains it all)

I will leave you with a final question valued reader. Who would win in a fight? Brandon Jacobs and Justin Tuck or 3 velociraptors?

You Like that Side Boob?

Who's More Dissapointed the Last 3 Weeks?

LBI

17 weeks of Contingency Plan

24 hours of Pier 76....

The uncanny parallels between alcohol and religion

Jealousy doesn't a rivalry make

A defense of something I love

A Heart Divided

Sleeping with the Enemy

Who is the worst?

Enough is Enough

Is a Good Blow Job all Tiger Woods needs?

Recomending 2 things you should consume

The True Definition of a Guilty Pleasure

People I hate and a meager attempt to quantify how much

Lebron's 1 hour special is YOUR fault

Dear Met Fans.... Please stop doing the wave

Losing is for Losers

We're taking over...

30 for 30: A lesson in documentary filmmaking

Repost of one of my all time Fav stories

The Closet

The Joe Gusto Corollary or how media technology is changing the way we drink.

Why Robin Hood made me realize we must beat England in Soccer.

My Cats push weight.

Things Jerry Manuel might do to "Shake things up"

Things I implore you to start doing..

Why I hate Mike Williamson

New Paltz VS Lebron James: an exercise in hyperbole

Repost: The only time I will ever discuss Friends

Repost of an old Blog my 25 Fav Bar songs

My ongoing feud with Montana continues...

Throwback Blog Wednesday, January 23, 2008

21 Sucks

AC Roster list- 2 additions

Forecast for AC: Drunk with a chance of gambling

Chronicles of Bleh 11:15

Chronicles of Blegh 2:30

McSorley's ***** repost****

Chronicles of Bleh 11:00

Chronicles of Blegh 2:30

Chronicles of Blegh 11:15

Chronicles of Blegh 3:15

Chronicles of Blegh 10:45

Chronicles of Blegh 5:45

Chronicles of Blegh 11:00

Chronicles of Blegh 2:45

Chronicles of Blegh 11:30

Chronicles of Blegh 3:30

Chronicles of Blegh 1:00

Chronicles of Blegh 10:30

Chronicles of Blegh 6:45

Chronicles of Blegh 4:30

Chronicles of Bleh 1:45

The Chronicles of Blegh 10:45

Pier 76 VS Jersey Shore

Reposting of an old blog *** unedited****

I have a new boyfriend and things don't suck yet

I'm lonely

Why Tiger Woods validates Derek Jeter’s Sportsman of the Year..

Why I Hate Sports

13 Reasons why I will be rooting for the Yankees in the World Series

Reposting of an old blog

Nick Punto Facts

Analysis of the anger reached during drinking games

Things that make me happy

Why I hate the Yankees and other misconceptions about Mets fans.

Readjustment to society

Upstate=

My Desk

I have a Surprise Guest

The Final 4 of people Joe likes with Guest blogger Mike Williamson

State of the Union

Rounding out the Final 4 of the longest running sweet 16 ever.

Dear Coach K

Round 2- People I like ALOT

Last set of Games for Round 1

Day 2 of Round 1 of People Joe likes Blog

Continuation of Round 1 of People I enjoy

McSorley's * repost

Reposting of an old blog * unedited**